|
Instead of
Saying
|
Try Saying
|
Child Hears
|
|
“Look at you, you’re such a good girl.
You cleaned up all the paint by yourself.”
|
“You cleaned up the paint all by
yourself! That was a big task. Thank you very much. That
was helpful.”
|
I am helpful. I am capable.
I can tackle big projects and see them through to the end. I am
appreciated.
|
|
“I like it when you clean up the
books.”
|
“You cleaned up the books all by
yourself. Thank you. I appreciate it.”
|
I can make valuable contributions to
our group.
|
|
“Good job!”
|
“You did it! You must be proud of
yourself.”
|
I am capable. I can take pride in
what I do.
|
|
“You drew a beautiful picture.”
|
“You have worked hard. Tell me
about your favorite part.”
|
My opinions are valuable
|
|
“I love your dress (hair, shirt, etc).”
|
“You picked out your clothes today.”
|
I am can make choices.
|
|
“You slept through the night (ate all
your food, etc), what a good baby you are.”
|
“I love you.”
|
I am loved, and it’s not based on my
behavior or biological drives.
|
|
“You have a stinky diaper, let’s change
you.”
|
“You have poop in your diaper, you will
feel better once you have a fresh diaper on.”
|
My body and my biological drives are
o.k. and not something to be judged, but something to be respected.
|
|
"Stop screaming.”
|
“You are screaming. You are
feeling strongly right now. Do you want my help?”
|
My feelings and needs are valid and
important. I can meet my needs and seek help if necessary.
|
|
“Stop crying.”
|
“You are crying. You are feeling
(identify the emotion). Do you want my help?”
|
My emotions are valid and important.
I can regulate my emotions and seek help to soothe myself if I need to.
|
|
“Good boy/girl!”
|
“Thank you for…”
|
My worth does not depend on my behavior
or others opinions of me. I am appreciated when I contribute to “the
team.”
|
|
|
|
|
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Good Job Alternative Phrases
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Stop Feeling Threatened By Your Child’s Behavior by Janet Lansbury
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/11/stop-feeling-threatened-by-your-childs-behavior/
Stop Feeling Threatened By Your Child’s Behavior
Posted by janet on Nov 27th, 2013
When I consult with parents about their children’s more challenging behaviors, I sometimes offer a visual that I hope will put otherwise volatile situations into perspective. I’ve been reluctant to share this on my blog for fear it might be misinterpreted, but since so many of the parents I hear from continue to struggle with remaining centered and calm when their children push limits and buttons, I decided to risk it and share my descriptor: teddy bear behavior. I know — teddy bears are objects, babies definitely are not. I’ll explain, but first, a bit of context…
Our children are born sentient — as present as you and I — and so our primary job is forging person-to-person relationships with them, relationships that are honest, caring, respectful and unconditionally loving.Yet all children exhibit behaviors that are impulsive and irrational, especially during periods in their development when they need to resist us in order to test their wings (like the toddler and teen years). How are we supposed to respect our small “person” when she can be so disrespectful, hurtful and downright rude?
Some might conclude that young children are nothing more than thoughtless beasts (and that would explain the “taming your toddler” type of advice, which includes distractions, tricks, treats and other manipulative interventions). It’s easy to get personally offended, or fear that we’ve failed our child somehow, that we didn’t teach her appropriate behavior or respect.
Triggered by our anger, frustration, fear, or guilt, we are likely to respond in a manner that unfortunately creates even more challenging behavior. Truly, when children repeatedly test, it is more often than not the direct result of our previous responses. That is why remaining calm and centered matters. A lot.
The easiest and surest way to calm ourselves is perspective, which might mean reminding ourselves that the toddler screaming and swinging at us is a tiny person who has spent only 2 ½ years on this planet. She needs us to tolerate her screams and stop her from hitting, but a response of anger or confusion would be unsettling to her, to say the least.
And so I suggest that parents suffering the slings and arrows of a child’s behavior consider it in the context of something cuddly and benign, like a teddy bear.
Teddy bear behavior includes occasional hitting, kicking, biting, screaming, whining, refusing to follow directions, resistance and rejection, “I hate you” (in all its forms), and grumpy teenagers scrutinizing you under a microscope and criticizing every single thing you say, do and wear. It is age-appropriate and can certainly be annoying, but it is essentially harmless. If we can perceive teddy bear behavior for what it is and respond appropriately (for more on that please read HERE and HERE), it will be temporary and not progress to chronic, dangerous or harmful.
Teddy bear behavior is sparked by:
- A need for the reassurance our gentle leadership provides
- Stress, hunger, exhaustion
- Fear, sadness, anger, frustration, all of which children need us to help them express
- Feeling out of favor, ignored, unloved
- Emotions surrounding transitions: the addition of a sibling, moving to a new home, attending school for the first time, changing schools, changes of any kind
- Developmental phases and milestones
Teddy bear behavior is eased when we:
- Feel unthreatened, breathe, let it rollll off our back, project confidence
- Prevent it whenever possible (by giving children safe “yes” places to explore, for example, rather than free access to markers and white sofas).
- Set limits calmly, clearly, early
- Acknowledge all desires and feelings and encourage children to express them (“You feel like throwing the trucks. I can’t let you. That’s unsafe. Are you upset about Daddy leaving for work? You sometimes miss him when he goes. Over there are some safe toys you can throw.”)
- Discern needs and do our best to meet them
I offer a complete guide to respectful discipline in my book:
Monday, November 2, 2015
Don’t Waste an Opportunity to Connect With Your Kids by Janet Lansbury
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/11/dont-waste-an-opportunity-to-connect-with-your-kids/
I have a keen interest in every aspect of child care, but the advice I share is focused on one goal: Building healthy relationships with our kids.
There’s a lot riding on this. The quality of our connection will dictate whether teaching our children appropriate behavior is simple and successful, or whether it is confusing, discouraging and ineffective. It will decide whether our children feel secure and retain the sure sense of self and confidence that helps them fulfill their potential. And perhaps most importantly: Our relationship will be forever embedded in our child’s psyche as their model of love and the ideal they’ll seek for future intimate bonds.
In the impressionable first years especially, every interaction we have with our children is an opportunity to deepen our connection…or not. Sometimes a missed connection is just a minor wasted opportunity. In other instances, missed connections create distance, lessen trust, and are even invalidating for our children.
Connecting often means overriding our instincts and emotional impulses and thinking before we act. Here are some common examples:
1. We don’t want to hear crying.
Hearing and acknowledging our children’s emotions can be intensely challenging, but it is essential for raising healthy children who feel connected to us.
We disconnect when we discount their feelings (“Oh, don’t be frightened, it’s only a puppy”), or invalidate (“That didn’t really hurt” or “Those aren’t real tears”), or rush feelings through (“Okay, okay, that’s enough now”), or when we misread our infant or toddler’s cries and try to calm her before listening and understanding.
Since feelings are involuntary (and even if they seem forced, who are we to decide this?), these disconnected responses also teach children that they aren’t wholly acceptable to their loved ones, that they can’t trust themselves or their feelings.
The secret to connecting is to meet children where they are. Listen patiently and acknowledge. We can never go wrong or overboard when we acknowledge: “You are so upset we have to leave. Oh, this is terribly upsetting for you! I said we had to go when you really, really wanted to stay longer. You were having so much fun!”
2. We don’t want to be the bad guy who confronts and displeases
Distraction is the polar opposite of connection, yet I often hear it advised as an acceptable “redirection” tool for infants and toddlers. Really?
Distraction doesn’t teach appropriate behavior. What it does teach children is that they don’t rate an honest connection in their first and most formative years. So these distractions, along with other manipulative, controlling methods like bribes, tricks and (most disconnecting of all) punishments threaten the relationship of trust necessary for close parent-child bonds.
Children need simple, truthful, empathetic, but direct responses, especially when they are testing and learning limits. The parent who confronts situations honestly, acknowledging the child’s point of view and possible (actually more like probable) displeasure may worry about being the bad guy, but this will be the “trusted”, genuine guy, the brave person the child feels closest to and safest with. (For details, please check out my many posts on respectful, non-punitive discipline.)
3. We get invested in what our child plays or learns.
“Wouldn’t life be easier for both parents and infants if parents would observe, relax and enjoy what their child is doing, rather than keep teaching what the child is not yet capable of?” – Magda Gerber
Trusting your child, appreciating what he or she is doing right now will bond you and transmit positive messages of acceptance and appreciation to your child. Again, the key is to meet children where they are. The way children choose to play and learn is usually better than enough – it is the perfect thing for them to be doing at that particular time.
But sometimes our agendas get in the way and leave parent and child less connected and fulfilled. Anna Banas shared an evocative example of this recently on her blog “Every Moment is Right”. She concludes, “How easy is it to assume we know better what the other person wants. And why? It seems especially ironic when it comes to having ‘fun’, don’t you think?”
My own son’s birthday party last weekend was yet another great reminder of the power of ditching agendas and valuing what is. We’d spent the afternoon decorating our house with cobwebs, ghosts and other scary things at our son’s request and a dear friend, our son’s beloved godfather, had been “hired” for DJ duties.
We were all set for a house party, but our son and his guests had another plan. They took the glow stick party favors outdoors and spent the entire evening exuberantly throwing them at each other under the moonlight, a game they invented called “Rainbow Wars”. To another family, this might have been disappointing, but we were amused and totally thrilled about the great time the kids were having. We’ve since celebrated this success together.
5. We don’t have patience for exaggerated, over-dramatic, unreasonable behavior.
Toddlers can seem to have overblown reactions, emotions and behaviors. They can seem to be greedy, self-centered, oversensitive, crybabies, braggarts, and the list goes on. It’s as if toddlers are unconsciously auditioning annoying behaviors just to test our reaction. Will we be accepting, understanding, on their team? They need us to be.
I admire one of the parents I work with so much for realizing she needs help with this. She has a tendency (passed down to her from her own parents) to discount her daughter’s point of view. She feels herself going there almost against her will. For example, if her daughter complains that another child bumped into her and her mom sees that it’s obviously nothing serious, she might reflexively say, “Oh, he didn’t mean to. It’s fine.” I’m encouraging her to try to catch herself before she does this and instead meet her child where she is by acknowledging her perspective. “Oh, did that hurt you? Sorry to hear that. You and Peter bumped into each other? Ouch!” Subtle adjustments like these are the difference between connecting and invalidating.
6. We want to get care-giving duties over with.
Diapering, feeding, bathing and bedtime are important opportunities to slow down and connect. We do that by paying attention and inviting children to participate, even when it’s not going well — especially when it’s not going well. These activities are prime time for the kind of intimacy that not only deepens our connection, but also refuels our child’s body and soul.
I’m often asked, “How can I pay attention when the baby needs to feed 24/7?” Or, “But my toddler hates having his diaper changed. I have to distract him and get it over with quickly.” Ironically, these are common results of disconnection. Babies need to nurse less and appreciate diapering more when we are engaged during these activities.
“Whenever you care, do it absolutely with full attention. If you pay half attention all the time, that’s never full attention. Babies are then always half hungry for attention.” – Magda Gerber
7. We hesitate to express our love, appreciation, gratitude or apologies because our child doesn’t seem to be listening.
Whether our children are infants, toddlers, teens or somewhere in between, when we talk about the feelings that connect us, they’re listening.
One of my RIE Parent – Infant Guidance Classes met for the last time recently, and I bid farewell to families I’d sat on the floor with each week for almost two years. I started sharing with strong, sweet and sometimes feisty two-year-old Maren how much I had enjoyed watching her grow and play, but she walked away. I continued. The moment I finished she turned around and surprised me with the most tender hug and kiss.
***
“Don’t Waste an Opportunity to Connect With Your Kids” is included in my compilation:
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting
(Photo by Sara Prince)
Share and Enjoy
I have a keen interest in every aspect of child care, but the advice I share is focused on one goal: Building healthy relationships with our kids.
There’s a lot riding on this. The quality of our connection will dictate whether teaching our children appropriate behavior is simple and successful, or whether it is confusing, discouraging and ineffective. It will decide whether our children feel secure and retain the sure sense of self and confidence that helps them fulfill their potential. And perhaps most importantly: Our relationship will be forever embedded in our child’s psyche as their model of love and the ideal they’ll seek for future intimate bonds.
In the impressionable first years especially, every interaction we have with our children is an opportunity to deepen our connection…or not. Sometimes a missed connection is just a minor wasted opportunity. In other instances, missed connections create distance, lessen trust, and are even invalidating for our children.
Connecting often means overriding our instincts and emotional impulses and thinking before we act. Here are some common examples:
1. We don’t want to hear crying.
Hearing and acknowledging our children’s emotions can be intensely challenging, but it is essential for raising healthy children who feel connected to us.
We disconnect when we discount their feelings (“Oh, don’t be frightened, it’s only a puppy”), or invalidate (“That didn’t really hurt” or “Those aren’t real tears”), or rush feelings through (“Okay, okay, that’s enough now”), or when we misread our infant or toddler’s cries and try to calm her before listening and understanding.
Since feelings are involuntary (and even if they seem forced, who are we to decide this?), these disconnected responses also teach children that they aren’t wholly acceptable to their loved ones, that they can’t trust themselves or their feelings.
The secret to connecting is to meet children where they are. Listen patiently and acknowledge. We can never go wrong or overboard when we acknowledge: “You are so upset we have to leave. Oh, this is terribly upsetting for you! I said we had to go when you really, really wanted to stay longer. You were having so much fun!”
2. We don’t want to be the bad guy who confronts and displeases
Distraction is the polar opposite of connection, yet I often hear it advised as an acceptable “redirection” tool for infants and toddlers. Really?
Distraction doesn’t teach appropriate behavior. What it does teach children is that they don’t rate an honest connection in their first and most formative years. So these distractions, along with other manipulative, controlling methods like bribes, tricks and (most disconnecting of all) punishments threaten the relationship of trust necessary for close parent-child bonds.
Children need simple, truthful, empathetic, but direct responses, especially when they are testing and learning limits. The parent who confronts situations honestly, acknowledging the child’s point of view and possible (actually more like probable) displeasure may worry about being the bad guy, but this will be the “trusted”, genuine guy, the brave person the child feels closest to and safest with. (For details, please check out my many posts on respectful, non-punitive discipline.)
3. We get invested in what our child plays or learns.
“Wouldn’t life be easier for both parents and infants if parents would observe, relax and enjoy what their child is doing, rather than keep teaching what the child is not yet capable of?” – Magda Gerber
Trusting your child, appreciating what he or she is doing right now will bond you and transmit positive messages of acceptance and appreciation to your child. Again, the key is to meet children where they are. The way children choose to play and learn is usually better than enough – it is the perfect thing for them to be doing at that particular time.
But sometimes our agendas get in the way and leave parent and child less connected and fulfilled. Anna Banas shared an evocative example of this recently on her blog “Every Moment is Right”. She concludes, “How easy is it to assume we know better what the other person wants. And why? It seems especially ironic when it comes to having ‘fun’, don’t you think?”
My own son’s birthday party last weekend was yet another great reminder of the power of ditching agendas and valuing what is. We’d spent the afternoon decorating our house with cobwebs, ghosts and other scary things at our son’s request and a dear friend, our son’s beloved godfather, had been “hired” for DJ duties.
We were all set for a house party, but our son and his guests had another plan. They took the glow stick party favors outdoors and spent the entire evening exuberantly throwing them at each other under the moonlight, a game they invented called “Rainbow Wars”. To another family, this might have been disappointing, but we were amused and totally thrilled about the great time the kids were having. We’ve since celebrated this success together.
5. We don’t have patience for exaggerated, over-dramatic, unreasonable behavior.
Toddlers can seem to have overblown reactions, emotions and behaviors. They can seem to be greedy, self-centered, oversensitive, crybabies, braggarts, and the list goes on. It’s as if toddlers are unconsciously auditioning annoying behaviors just to test our reaction. Will we be accepting, understanding, on their team? They need us to be.
I admire one of the parents I work with so much for realizing she needs help with this. She has a tendency (passed down to her from her own parents) to discount her daughter’s point of view. She feels herself going there almost against her will. For example, if her daughter complains that another child bumped into her and her mom sees that it’s obviously nothing serious, she might reflexively say, “Oh, he didn’t mean to. It’s fine.” I’m encouraging her to try to catch herself before she does this and instead meet her child where she is by acknowledging her perspective. “Oh, did that hurt you? Sorry to hear that. You and Peter bumped into each other? Ouch!” Subtle adjustments like these are the difference between connecting and invalidating.
6. We want to get care-giving duties over with.
Diapering, feeding, bathing and bedtime are important opportunities to slow down and connect. We do that by paying attention and inviting children to participate, even when it’s not going well — especially when it’s not going well. These activities are prime time for the kind of intimacy that not only deepens our connection, but also refuels our child’s body and soul.
I’m often asked, “How can I pay attention when the baby needs to feed 24/7?” Or, “But my toddler hates having his diaper changed. I have to distract him and get it over with quickly.” Ironically, these are common results of disconnection. Babies need to nurse less and appreciate diapering more when we are engaged during these activities.
“Whenever you care, do it absolutely with full attention. If you pay half attention all the time, that’s never full attention. Babies are then always half hungry for attention.” – Magda Gerber
7. We hesitate to express our love, appreciation, gratitude or apologies because our child doesn’t seem to be listening.
Whether our children are infants, toddlers, teens or somewhere in between, when we talk about the feelings that connect us, they’re listening.
One of my RIE Parent – Infant Guidance Classes met for the last time recently, and I bid farewell to families I’d sat on the floor with each week for almost two years. I started sharing with strong, sweet and sometimes feisty two-year-old Maren how much I had enjoyed watching her grow and play, but she walked away. I continued. The moment I finished she turned around and surprised me with the most tender hug and kiss.
***
“Don’t Waste an Opportunity to Connect With Your Kids” is included in my compilation:
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting
(Photo by Sara Prince)
Share and Enjoy
Monday, October 26, 2015
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Making Tantrums a Positive Experience BY AUBREY
http://montessorimischief.com/making-tantrums-a-positive-experience/
Making Tantrums a Positive Experience
Making Tantrums a Positive ExperienceWhen your child is having an emotional meltdown, it’s hard to keep your cool!
What if your child is crying uncontrollably or is kicking and screaming on the floor? What then? No matter what, realize that it is your job as the parent to push your own emotions aside as much as possible in order to help your child. But how? It takes practice and a lot of determination.
In this video, I ask you to turn your thinking about tantrums around. Instead of seeing the tantrum as something negative to nip in the bud, look at it from an educational perspective…a positive learning opportunity for both you and your child.
What do you think? Can a tantrum become your best friend?
Watch Making Tantrums a Positive Experience HERE or just view it below.
Tips for Success:
1. Children do not always know how to communicate their frustrations to you. Your job is to help teach them how.
2. There are two times when your child is more likely to be in a receptive state: before the tantrum starts (watch the video on preventing tantrums here) and after the tantrum is over. If at all possible, use those times to your advantage.
3. During the tantrum itself, remain compassionate and patient until it’s over. If your child likes to be hugged, provide physical comfort. If your child prefers to be left alone, just hang out sympathetically nearby until the tantrum is over.
4. Keep firm. If you said no to something your child wanted to do, really mean no and stick to it. Don’t give in just because there is a tantrum. Giving in will not solve the problem. Discussing feelings and coming up with solutions and compromises will.
5. Be kind to yourself. You’re only human. Every tantrum gives you the chance to grow and change as a parent to meet your own unique child’s needs. By putting a positive spin on the situation, you are not only empowering yourself, you are raising a child who will learn how to put life’s hurdles into perspective.
Have to make illustrations: Talking to your toddler
"Good Morning, xxx!
How did you sleep, My Love?"
Here's some milk! "Thanks, Mommy!" "I love you, My Sweet Boy!"
"Today your going to Montessori School, xxx! Let's get ready together!"
"We will change your diaper, now! Can you please help me? Thank you, My Boy!"
Time for breakfast with Daddy, downstairs. Yum yum!
"Now it's time to clean up! Can you please wipe your face and hands, Pup Pup? Thank you!"
"Let's put on your clothes for school. Over-your-head, goes your shirt! Arms! Now pants, one leg and the other!"
"Ok, here's your school bag. We will bring it in the car with us. It has everything you will need for school today."
"Time to get in the car! I'll buckle you in tight!"
"Here's the school! I'll park the car and walk you to your classroom."
It's Miss Marsha, the principal, "Good Morning"!
Down the hall, is your class room, Ezzy! Miss Val and Miss Vanessa are waiting to say "hello"!
"Good Morning, teachers!"
"Ezra, I love you so much, My Boy! Mommy will come here to pick you up when it's time to go home. Have a wonderful day!"
"Bye, Dadda!"
Time to play, and learn, and talk, and listen, and run, and jump, and laugh, and snack, and read, and sing with your teachers and classmates!
What a wonderful day!
"Hi, My Boy! I'm here to pick you up! How was your day?"
"Good, Mommy!"
"Goodbye, Miss Val, goodbye Miss Vanessa! Goodbye, friends!"
"In the car we go! Back home, we will eat lunch and have a rest. I love you so much, My Baby!"
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