SittingPretty If parenting were film acting, we’d always be brilliant because we’d have plenty of “takes” to perfect our responses (not to mention make-up, hair styling and ridiculously high salaries). But we are playing a part — the role of a lifetime for a lifetime. Luckily, we perform for an adoring, forgiving audience, and our children will usually accept our less thoughtful, less than stellar performances. In fact, even our bloopers can be blessings, because they teach kids the invaluable lesson that mistakes are okay since even superstars like their parents make them.
Here are a few of my “Take 2” suggestions for handling common infant and toddler situations and some of the reasoning behind them…
Non-judgmentally acknowledge the child’s response and the incident that caused it. “Ouch, that hurt you when you bumped into the wall.” Or “oh, you are very upset that the dog barked.” Or “You are having a hard time relaxing your body. I hear you.” Then allow the child all the time he or she needs to finish crying with your full support.
Encouraging children to express their feelings is the key to fostering emotional health. No matter how unreasonable our child’s reaction seems, he or she needs it to be accepted. Remember, even adults can’t control emotional reactions, but young children are not capable of controlling the manner in which they express them, either. Discouraging the feelings or responding impatiently invalidates the child. When you’re feeling impatient with a tantruming toddler, stay present, relax and imagine all the future therapy bills you’re saving.
2. Minor accidents
Instead of running over to the child and scooping him up in a panic…
Take a moment to observe his response. If he cries, go close to him as calmly as possible, ask if wants you to pick him up, acknowledge what happened (as explained above) and his feelings about it.
When we respond frantically, we startle our child, which can make him fearful or cause him to become upset when he might have quickly recovered and continued playing. Our little ones are very tuned into us and benefit greatly when we can trust their competence. Allowing children to recover autonomously whenever they are able to fosters self-confidence and resiliency, gives them an opportunity to try to understand what happened and learn something from the experience.
3. Praise
Instead of “good job”, “That’s beautiful”, “You are so smart!” or a big round of applause…
You might say, “Thank you for helping me!” “You did it all by yourself!” “You pulled the plastic beads apart. That was hard!” “You struggled and struggled, but you didn’t give up.” “You must be proud of yourself.” Add specifics so your child knows you’ve been paying attention (and to aid language development).
These responses encourage children to own their accomplishments, protect intrinsic motivation, and are less likely to train kids to depend on others for validation.
4. Encouragement when a child is struggling
Instead of “you can do it!”
“I hear you getting frustrated, but you’re almost there.” “This is hard work you’re doing!” “I’m here and I won’t let you fall, but it is safer for you to climb down yourself. Try placing one foot on the bar below.”
“You can do it” can be perceived as pressure and make the child think he’s disappointed us if he ends up not being able to do it. Giving a little verbal instruction helps children learn to get down safely after they have climbed onto something. Children usually can do this themselves, but by taking them down, rather than just spotting and providing verbal support, we lead them to believe they can’t.
5. Undesirable behavior
Instead of distracting, coaxing, bribing, shaming, scolding, punishing…
Handle with care, confidence, respect, brevity (save the lectures for another time). Whenever possible, acknowledge the child’s point of view. “You wanted ___.” Give a brief instruction (and an option if possible). “I can’t/won’t let you ___. That’s not safe” (or “It’s not time for that now”, etc.). “But you can ___.” Physically block the behavior if necessary. Acknowledge again. “I know you wanted ___ and I wouldn’t let you. That’s upsetting.”
Infants and toddlers need help managing their immature impulses and understanding our boundaries. They are not bad kids who need to be reprimanded, punished or “taught a lesson”. The most vital lesson they must learn is that their parents are always in their corner (rather than sending them off to one), and that we will calmly, consistently and patiently remind them of the family rules and prevent them from harming us or themselves. When we do this, children learn our expectations and internalize them with amazing proficiency.
6. Sharing
Instead of telling babies and young toddlers they must share or take turns…
Observe closely and calmly reflect (or ‘sportscast’) the situation and allow it to unfold. “Justin, you are holding the ball and Meredith wants it, too. Now Meredith has the ball.” Or, “Meredith are you asking Justin for the ball? Justin seems to be saying he wants to keep it for now. Maybe when he’s done. “
Infants and toddlers commonly socialize by taking and (less often) giving toys. From the child’s perspective it’s as if the toys suddenly come alive and become interesting when another baby is holding them. When we allow children to connect with and learn from each other this way, they may react negatively in the moment, but they are usually quite capable of working it out without our intervention. The big clue to the child’s perspective? After these little play tussles have ended, the desired toy is almost always left behind, no longer of interest to either child.
7. Learning language
Instead of correcting toddlers when they mispronounce words or use them incorrectly (for example, they call green “yellow” or a rabbit “a dog”)…
Don’t. It takes courage to speak words for the first time. Encourage your child to speak by treating him with the same respect you would a foreigner trying out English. If the child mispronounces a word, we can respond in a manner that provides a gentle correction. In other words, when your child points to the rabbit and says “bobby”, you could reply, “I see the rabbit, too!” If the child points to the rabbit and says “dog”, you could say honestly, “Yes, I see! That looks like a dog.”
When children begin using language, they are only able to say a fraction of the words they know. Chances are they know the difference between a rabbit and a dog but just aren’t able to express that yet. Trusting and supporting your child’s process means allowing him to be “right” as much as possible. And don’t forget to enjoy (and log!) your child’s creative use of language while it lasts.
Cut, print, that’s a wrap.
***
I share many more suggestions in
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting and No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame.
Both are now available in Audio book!
I also recommend…
Pondering Praise by Amanda Morgan, Not Just Cute
What To Say Instead Of “NO” – Six Ways To Gain Your Child’s Cooperation by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby
Encouraging Things To Say To Kids and the new book Encouraging Words for Kids by Kelly Bartlett, Parenting From Scratch
( A BIG thanks to Erin, Vanessa and Fran for asking me to make this list… Hope this is what you meant!)
Thoughts? 9. DO let them know that extrinsic rewards such as grades, fancy degrees, and big paychecks are not how they should define their worth. We have homeschooled since day one. My children have never been to school, and I have never bought into the system that says that you can measure progress or intelligence or knowledge by a letter grade on a test. My kids – and yours! – are so much more than that. They’re more than a GPA. They’re more than an ivy league school. They’re more than a BMW parked in the driveway. I don’t ever want my children to use any of the above as a yardstick to measure other people, so I’m not going to start by using it as yardstick to measure them. I want them to see the people beneath the fluff. I want them to see the things that you can’t put down on paper. The things that aren’t listed on report cards. The things that matter. I want them to see hearts. Kindness. Generosity. Determination. Strength. Resiliency. Joy. I don’t want them to aspire to be what the world defines as “successful”, but to what theydefine as successful. They have their own paths, and the best thing I can do as their mother is honor it. Encourage it. Support it. NOT stifle it by trying to manipulate or force them into a box of my own choosing.
Twelve Ways to Raise Children That Are Generous and Kind
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I read an article this morning that outlined the many ways the author felt that parents were creating “entitled and rude” children. This isn’t about one specific article though (such articles are a dime a dozen. If you Googled, “entitled children” you’d have no shortage of results). It’s not even about dozens, or hundreds, or thousands of articles. It’s about this pernicious and widespread belief that children need to be FORCED into being grateful, and generous, and kind…. as if such a thing were even possible.
Is there a problem with entitlement in our society today? Sure, although I’d argue that it’s more prevalent among adults than children. But the answer to the problem isn’t more rules; it’s more connection.
Less coercion; more compassion.
Less demanding; more listening.
Less requiring; more modeling.
If mainstream media is to be believed, the key to raising “good” kids lies in things like strict bedtimes, prompted “please” and “thank you’s”, forced household chores, and making darn sure you don’t buy them everything they want. Many of these articles would be more appropriate advice for an employer/employee relationship than that of parent and child.
What I believe is a little bit a lot different. And while I can’t speak for any other kids out there, I can speak for my own, who are pretty much the opposite of entitled and rude.
Here then are twelve parental strategies that I do stand behind, every one of which I believe contributes to raising children who are gracious, generous and kind.
1. DO be generous with them. There is much ado made about not buying your children the latest and greatest gadgets, toys, and electronics, lest they become too spoiled. And yes, absolutely, buying “things” in place of your time and attention is problematic. But if we want our children to grow up to be giving and generous to those around them, wouldn’t it only make sense that we are first giving and generous towards them? It’s human nature to want to give to those we love. As parents, we’re in the unique position of being able to give through our time, our presence, our love, and, when circumstances permit it, through the various material things that make life more fun, interesting, and enriching. I love being able to give to my children, whether it’s picking up their favorite kind of juice at the grocery store, or surprising them with a wished-for video game snuck into their Christmas stocking. I couldn’t imagine actually withholding something from my children – or from anyone for that matter – just to teach them some kind of lesson.
2. DO let them see you being generous to others. A popular blogger recently posted a video of herself leaving food for a homeless person. While I definitely don’t think that those sorts of things are meant to be made public, I do think that it’s wonderful – and important – to involve your children in the giving you do to others. Let them see how it’s a part of your day-to-day life. Take them with you when you volunteer. Talk to them about what it means to truly share with the people around you. Show them ways you can bless other people. I am a huge, huge fan of Christmas, and exchanging gifts with loved ones. But for the past several years, my favorite part of the holidays has been deciding who to gift outside of our own little circle, and it is a family decision every time. Kids don’t need to be told, or coerced, or forced into giving to others. They just need to see it.
3. DO treat them how you want to be treated. Sometimes I fear I will sound like a broken record, because it’s something I repeat so often. But mindful and gentle parenting can be summed up in this one little point. If you want your kids to be kind, show them kindness. If you want your kids to be respectful, show them respect. If you want your kids to be polite, show them what it means to be polite. If you want your kids to be generous, show them generosity. So often parents want to demand respect from their kids, without stopping and asking themselves if they’ve even showed them what true respect looks like. As parents, we are the first and biggest influence on how our children treat others. Be nice to your kids, especially if you’re going to expect them to be nice to others.
4. DO be their soft place to fall. Life is sometimes full of foibles and disappointments… from the small (the movie you desperately wanted to see is sold out; you failed your math test), to the major (your long-term relationship ends; you get laid off at work), to the vast chasm in between (you get cut from the basketball team; you drop and break your $600 phone). Over and over I see parents cautioned against trying to “fix” their child’s problems or disappointments. We should let them fail, we’re told, because it builds character. Because they’ll be better for it in the long run. Because they need to learn life isn’t always fair. Well, life isn’t always fair; this much is true. And we can’t always fix everything for our kids. What we can do? We can be there for them, every time. We can be that soft place to land. We can be that shoulder to cry on. We can be the one to give them the time and space they need to process. We can be the one, when the situation lends itself, to help them figure out what to do next. And they, in turn, will become the ones who will be that person for someone else.
5. DO be their friend. Oh what a bad rap that word gets when it comes to parenting! But a friend is simply someone who is there for you. Someone you can trust. Someone who listens. Someone who encourages you, cheers you on, and holds your hand. Someone who gives honest advice. Someone who has seen you at your best, and your worst. Someone who lets you be you, and loves you unconditionally. I will always, always be that person for my kids, with no disclaimers and no apologies.
6. DO let them have a voice. I think that one of the most important things we can do for our kids is to empower them to form their own opinions, forge their own paths, and make as many of their own decisions as possible, so that – among so many other reasons – they know they are valued, they can gain confidence in themselves, and they will have the ability to stand up for what is right. To that end, my kids are always free to say anything to me. They have a voice in this house, and everyone’s voice matters. We don’t operate our home as a dictatorship, but as a TEAM. If my kids are sad or scared or frustrated or angry, I want to know about it! I want to honor it, and I want them to know that we will always provide that safe place for them to express themselves…. no matter what it is they may be in need of expressing.
7. DO listen to them. Let them know that what’s important to them is important to you, whether they’re talking about Barbies or a TV show or a special rock they found outside. Kids generally desperately want to invite you into their world. Accept their invitation! It’s not just important for your relationship right now, it’s also an investment into the relationship that you want to continue to grow stronger and closer into the future as your children mature. “Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.” ~ Catherine M Wallace
8. DO spend time with them. At the time of this writing, my children are 18, nearly 15, 11, and 7. I’ve lately been going through the profoundly bittersweet realization that my role in their lives is changing. We still spend time together (one of my very favorite things to do is to go watch arena football games, and it recently occurred to me that one of the big reasons why is that it is something all six of us still do together as a family) We still enjoy spending time together. But it is in a wholly different way than during the toddler years, when I was largely their main companion. It’s a cliche, but those years really do go by so fast. So, so fast! If I could give just one piece of advice to new parents, it would often be: Have the tea parties. Play dress-up. Jump on the trampoline. Get on the floor with the legos and the ponies and the Matchbox cars. Spend hours coloring in the sheet fort in the living room. Play with your kids. Show up, and really be there. One day you’ll blink and they’ll be teenagers, opting to stay home to hold down the fort and take care of the pets while you take the two little ones camping. They’ll start spreading their wings – and it’ll be good! But oh, so bittersweet.
9. DO let them know that extrinsic rewards such as grades, fancy degrees, and big paychecks are not how they should define their worth. We have homeschooled since day one. My children have never been to school, and I have never bought into the system that says that you can measure progress or intelligence or knowledge by a letter grade on a test. My kids – and yours! – are so much more than that. They’re more than a GPA. They’re more than an ivy league school. They’re more than a BMW parked in the driveway. I don’t ever want my children to use any of the above as a yardstick to measure other people, so I’m not going to start by using it as yardstick to measure them. I want them to see the people beneath the fluff. I want them to see the things that you can’t put down on paper. The things that aren’t listed on report cards. The things that matter. I want them to see hearts. Kindness. Generosity. Determination. Strength. Resiliency. Joy. I don’t want them to aspire to be what the world defines as “successful”, but to what they define as successful. They have their own paths, and the best thing I can do as their mother is honor it. Encourage it. Support it. NOT stifle it by trying to manipulate or force them into a box of my own choosing.
To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.
~Emerson
10. DON’T punish them for being kids. Better yet, don’t punish them at all. A writer friend of mine has likened young children to aliens. The first time I saw that comparison, I’ll admit it caused a bonafide head tilt. But the analogy is actually pretty spot-on. Children are brand-new to this planet. They’re learning how to navigate the world. They’re learning how to get what they want. They’re learning how polite society works. They’re learning how to communicate. They’re learning how to handle frustration. They’re learning how to treat others. Our job as parents is to patiently and lovingly stand beside them and guide them and be their partner in learning. Punishing a child who’s still learning (and we’re all still learning) is unkind at best, and incredibly damaging at worst. Instead, work with your child, not against him. Help him problem-solve. A child who is having a tantrum, for example, is trying to tell you something. Lean into the moment and truly listen.
By the always wonderful L.R. Knost:
Discipline is helping a child solve a Problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solution not retribution.
11. DON’T try to force them to be kind or have good manners. I always cringe a little bit when I hear a well-meaning parent chirping at their child with, “What do you say??” when they think a “thank you” is warranted. It feels awkward and embarrassing and – ironically – not particularly polite. If you want your child to use “please” and “thank you”… use “please” and “thank you” with your child. If you want your child to interact respectfully with family members and strangers and waiters and bus drivers and mailmen and doctors, interact respectfully yourself. If you want your children to be generous and kind and patient… if you want them to listen to others, to respect each other’s differences, to be caring and thoughtful in their interactions… show them what that looks like. There is no greater influence in a child’s life (or at least there shouldn’t be!) than the one he experiences in his own home. That’s where it all starts. Let him live it. Let him experience it. The only way a child can pass on loving kindness to someone else is if he first knows what it feels like to receive it.
12. DON’T treat them like second-class citizens. I saved this one for last because it’s at once the most important concept to understand, and for many people the most difficult. Our society has been so ingrained to think that it is normal and okay that most people never even question it. Most people never even see it. Our children are not ours to micromanage, control, or manipulate. They’re not house pets that need to be trained, nor robots that need to be programmed. I always find it so ironic that articles proclaiming to show you how to raise respectful kids often prescribe such blatantly disrespectful behavior on the parents’ part. Children are human beings that we have invited into our lives. They didn’t ask to be here. They are our invited guests. Our job as parents isn’t to shape them or mold them but to love them. Honor them. Respect them. Listen to them. SHOW them what it means to walk in kindness and love. SHOW them what it means to navigate the world with respect for self, and respect for others. SHOW them what it means to be a person of value (hint: they’re a person of value right now. So am I. So are you.)
Parenting well is about love. It’s always been about love. Somewhere along the way the love got lost amongst the rules. The requirements. The rigidity. The idea that our kids are somehow our property, instead of what they actually are: living, breathing, heart beats and souls walking around the earth, deserving of as much respect as anyone else. Except, more respect actually, because they are our children.
Want to raise kids that are loving and kind? Immerse them in love and kindness.
There
are people who don’t mind hearing babies cry. They ignore a baby in
distress, won’t pick the baby up ‘so as not to spoil him’, think nothing
of leaving babies crying alone for hours in a dark room. I know these
people exist because I read articles about them all time. But seriously,
who are they? In my 18 ½ years as a mother, 16 years as a parent
educator and 2 years blogging, I’ve never encountered a parent like
this.
The parents and caregivers I know and have known (myself included)
are of a very different ilk – 180 degrees different, in fact. We’re
jolted by our baby’s slightest expression of discomfort or dismay. Our
instinct is to do anything in our power to stop a baby from crying. When
our baby’s cries aren’t easily abated we’re unnerved, frustrated, feel
like complete failures. One sound from the baby, and the pressure we
feel is enormous. Make the crying stopso I can breathe again.
Perhaps we shush, rock, jiggle, use electric swings, washing
machines, pacifiers, drive all over the neighborhood, nurse babies for
hours on end, afraid to take them off the breast even while they sleep
lest they wake up and cry. Some moms might attempt to sleep all night with a baby latched on. Our own discomfort is better than bearing even a moment of our baby’s.
We do our best to discern the different cries and respond appropriately, but doubts and comparisons loom… Apparently, African babies don’t cry, so what’s the matter with us?
Later, the time comes when we have to say no to our toddlers and they
object to our decision and end up crying. This also feels innately
wrong. So we either find ways to distract our child or just give in and
please him instead, which then causes our children to make increasingly
unreasonable demands…because they desperately need our “no” and their cry. But instinct and culture tell us our children shouldn’t be crying, and it’s up to us to make them stop.
Thankfully there are some intelligent, insightful, compassionate voices of reason out there. Experts like Magda Gerber, Aletha Solter, and Patty Wipfler are
champions for your baby’s emotional health…and yours, too. Their books
and articles help us to understand that an infant’s cries are not only
okay, they serve an important purpose. When babies cry, our job is to
tune in, provide help, love and support as needed, but not necessarily
stop the crying.
These experts agree that crying is the primary manner in which babies communicate, and we must, without question, respond to our baby’s cries. As Magda Gerber notes in Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect:
“Crying must be responded to. But how is a more complicated issue. To
follow the advice, “do not let your baby cry,” is practically
impossible. At times the harder a mother or father tries to stop the
baby’s crying, the more anxious everyone becomes.”
1. When we calm ourselves, we’re able to listen and respond to the true need
When we follow our impulse to quickly stop the crying, we aren’t taking the time to listen to and understand our baby’s cues and are less likely to validate the baby’s communication by giving her what she really needs.
“When babies and toddlers don’t feel
good, they cry in order to clear the tension they feel. We try to get
them “settled down” with patting, bouncing, walking, pacifiers, and
sometimes, the breast. We’ve been trained to believe that a baby will
do better as soon as she is able to stop expressing her upset. …However,
you’ll see that when you stop a baby from expressing feelings, she
doesn’t actually feel better” –Patty Wipfler,Hand In Hand Parenting
“An anxious and irritated parent (crying
does irritate!) will most likely do what brings the fastest relief –
give the breast or bottle. The baby almost always accepts it, calms down
and often falls asleep. Of course, this is the right solution if the
baby is hungry. However, if the baby has other needs (for instance
being tired or having pain), she will learn to expect food in response
to these other needs, and grasp the breast or bottle even though she is
not hungry.” – Magda Gerber, Dear Parent: Caring For Infants With Respect
“Why is it so difficult to hold a crying
baby and to accept the crying? Probably because few people were allowed
to cry as much as needed when they were little. Your parents may have
tried to stop you from crying when you were a baby. Perhaps they gave
you a pacifier,
or kept trying to feed you, or jiggled you every time you cried,
thinking this was what you needed at the moment. Perhaps they tried to
distract you with toys, music, or games, when all you needed was their
undivided attention and loving arms so that you could continue with your
crying.” –Aletha Solter, Aware Parenting
2. Crying is natural, healthy healing
When parents first attend my RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Classes, I make a point of letting them know – crying is allowed here. I sense their relief. Gina from The Twin Coachwrote
an insightful account of her visit to my class, but her observation
that the babies “never once cried” was a rarity! Usually someone cries
at least a little. At RIE we understand that babies cry and parents need not feel stressed or embarrassed about it.
”Fortunately, babies come equipped with a
repair kit, and can overcome the effects of stress through the natural
healing mechanism of crying. Research has shown that people of all ages
benefit from a good cry, and tears help to restore the body’s chemical
balance following stress.” -Solter
“… when a baby cries about something
that’s not actually threatening, or something that is an unavoidable
annoyance, she’s engaged in a natural and important endeavor. She’s
having some feelings, and telling you about them.” -Wipfler
“All healthy babies cry. We would worry
if they didn’t cry – no infant can be raised without crying. Respond to
the baby, reflecting that you are there and that eventually you will
understand the reasons for the crying.” -Gerber
“A growing number of psychologists
believe that the healing function of crying begins at birth, and that
stress-release crying early in life will help prevent emotional and
behavioral problems later on.” -Solter
3. Wild animals won’t eat our babies
Babies could not cry in primitive
societies because their survival was at stake. Nor could these children
squeal with exuberance like my neighbor’s children are doing at this
very moment (and I love that sound), or sing at the top of their lungs
in a high-pitched voice like my son often does first thing in the
morning. His joyful noise is a little unnerving before the caffeine’s
done its job, but I’m grateful to have a child who wakes up exceedingly
happy, feels free to express himself and lives in a society in which
freedom of expression is not only allowed, but encouraged and valued.
I can certainly understand relating to a
particular ancestral practice and choosing to adopt it. But comparing
ourselves and our babies to tribal families without taking into account
the context in which these ancestral behaviors “worked” makes little
sense to me. The realities of our lives and the expectations we have for
our children couldn’t be more different.
4. Passing down our discomfort
“Our culture tends to block and suppress
the healthy expression of deep emotions. Some adults remember being
punished, threatened, or even abused when they cried as children. Others
remember their parents using kinder methods to stop them from crying,
perhaps through food or other distractions. This early repression of
crying could be one factor leading to the use of chemical agents later
in life to repress painful emotions.” -Solter
“It’s painful to listen to a crying baby.
Grown-ups tend to overreact to a child’s cry. Why? Because crying often
stirs up painful memories of our own childhood, churning up issues of
abandonment and fear. Perhaps as babies or young children we were not
allowed to cry and were distracted or reproached when we did. Our
children’s tears many trigger in us these buried memories of rage,
helplessness, or terror, taking us back to those early years. Our baby’s
message may then become muddled in our own issues. Try to listen to
your baby to hear what she is saying.” -Gerber
5. Less abuse?
If we could all be more comfortable with babies crying would parents be less likely to abuse? My guess is yes.
“For instance, sometimes babies cry when
we disappear into the shower, when a friendly stranger approaches, or
when we put them down to crawl or walk. Many babies develop a hatred of
their car seat. Some parents decide to go for days without a shower, or
to carry their baby all the time, in an effort to remedy this kind of
crying. Life gets harder, and parenting less enjoyable.” -Wipfler
6. Calm breeds calm
There is no one more sensitive than an
infant and the people he is most sensitive to are his parents. Every
interaction we have is an educational experience. Babies want what all
of us want when we cry — to be heard, understood, and helped if possible. Sometimes the help they need is our calm support so that they can fully express their feelings.
“Do not start crazy tricks. Infants do
not need them at any age, and neither do you. Do not make babies
dependent on distractions that you do not want them to depend on later.
…Your baby will learn to be calm from a calm parent in a calm
atmosphere.” –Gerber
7. We bond through gentle, calm listening and observing, honesty and acceptance.
“What can parents do? First of all, it is
important to check for immediate needs and discomforts, such as hunger
or coldness. But if your baby is still fussy after you have filled her
basic needs, it is quite appropriate simply to hold her lovingly and
allow her to continue crying.” -Solter
“A crying baby responds to gentleness and
calmness. Respond slowly and acknowledge that she is crying by saying,
“You’re crying. What’s the matter?” Next, make sure that her basic needs
are taken care of. Be sure your baby is fed and warm. Some babies are
more sensitive to a wet diaper than others, so check that. If she is
neither hungry nor tired and seems to have no other pressing need,
observe her to discover the possible source of any other discomfort.
Tell her you’re trying to understand what she wants. This is the start
of lifelong, honest communication.” – Gerber
“After a good cry, your baby will connect
with you. And she will thrive. …You’ve listened and let her tell you,
in her powerful nonverbal way, what was on her mind. There’s nothing
like being heard fully to settle a child’s mind, and help her feel
loved.” -Wipfler
Source: iStock
Growing up, I got a lot of positive reinforcement from my parents about my appearance.
My mom always told me I was pretty (though as I became the kind of
teenager who veered toward piercings and tattoos and dyed hair this,
sentiment sometimes came with the caveat that I’d be so much prettier without those accouterments). And both my parents often talked about how fortunate my brothers and I were to be thin. These comments were often made in direct contrast to how they felt about themselves and their own weight.
For example, my dad would make jokes referencing how he’d gained ten
pounds with each of my mom’s three pregnancies. He also liked to tell
the story of how as a chunky kid called Dick he had been terribly teased
on a family trip to Germany where “dick” translates into “fat.” After
that trip, he announced that he was never going by Dick again – and not
for the reasons that modern Dicks tend to want to be known as Richards!
My mom’s conversations about weight were less anecdotal and more
wistful. She would say things like, “I was never a slender kid like you.
But now, I really need to lose weight!”
Though photos of my mom as a child don’t indicate that she was even
chubby, I just accepted what she said. And while it’s true that as an
adult, my mom’s weight fluctuated, the fact that I always thought she
was a bit heavy probably had as much as her regularly mentioning this as
it did with any reality about her size. Of course, it’s not only comments that parents make about their
own bodies that can affect their kids. The way we talk about our
children’s bodies, strangers’ bodies, food, and diet can all have a
serious impact.
And in a world where the National Eating Disorders Association reports that nearly 80% of ten-year-olds are afraid of being overweight, and where studies have found
that over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage
boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals,
fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives, this is a
serious issue that we need to address.
Numbers like these remind even me that I need to be careful about the
messages I send my own kids. So with that in mind – and in case you,
too, need the reminder – here are some common pitfalls that can
inadvertently contribute to kids’ negative body feelings, and a few ways
we can help reinforce body love in our children.
4 Things A Lot of Us Do, But Shouldn’t
1. Criticizing Yourself (Or Others) About Weight or Size
Like my folks, and probably like myself to a certain degree, many parents unconsciously put their own body image concerns on their children through what they think are benign and innocent comments about themselves and about other people. And while most of us don’t think twice about saying “I’m not
having dessert tonight – I’m still trying to lose those five pounds” in
front of our kids, such comments have power.
According to a study
by Harvard Medical School researchers, a mother’s concerns about her
own body weight are a leading cause of body image problems in
adolescents. Furthermore, the same study found that the more mothers
were worried about their own weight, the more likely they were to pass
on these attitudes to their children. But it’s not just moms who shoulder the blame for body image issues. Fathers’ words and actions also have an effect.
A paper published in the journal Appetite
found that fathers who were unhappy with their own bodies were more
likely to monitor their sons’ food. These dads also contributed to a
son’s poor body image and the likelihood of him developing an eating
disorder.
Here’s the thing: Worrying about what your kids eat and talking
about your body struggles might seem like responsible behavior, but in
many cases, what the child takes away from your concern is bad feelings
about food and weight.
And I think most people would agree that there’s nothing helpful about that.
2. Talking Negatively About Food
Have you ever found yourself saying something like “I can’t eat x
– too many carbs” or “Your cake looks great, but it will go straight to
my butt?” What about something like “I don’t remember the last time I
had fast food. Why poison myself?”
A lot of us have. But it’s just this kind of talk that sets up a shame paradigm around food and allows some foods to be seen as moral and healthy and others as just the opposite.
There’s so much embarrassment around food choices happening, and that
can make people feel that they need to apologize for their tastes and
preferences. Sure, a lot of families want to eat as healthfully as
possible, but to do so at the expense of fostering a healthy view of
food seems counterproductive!
Maybe we should all take a leaf from our kids’ preschool teachers who often remind toddlers not to yuck someone else’s yum.
3. Talking About Diets and Weight-Loss Programs
Since I teach health education, the subject of food comes up a lot in
my classroom. And though I try to dissuade them from sharing personal
information about their families publicly, I can’t tell you how many
students I’ve taught who have brought up their parents’ diets.
These days, that means a lot of talk about juice fasts and cleanses. And every time these come up, I get particularly nervous. That’s because when kids see their parents subsiding on liquid
detox diets, this behavior and the idea that real food is a pollutant
and something that needs to be flushed out of our systems becomes
normalized.
As Harriet Ball, a biologist who worked on a report on diet detoxes for the organization Sense About Science, writes,
“Detox is marketed as the idea that modern living
fills us with invisible nasties that our bodies can’t cope with unless
we buy the latest jargon-filled remedy. Our new investigation into detox
products has convinced us that there is little or no proof that these
products work, except to part people from their cash and downplay all
the amazing ways in which our bodies can look after themselves!”
Still, it isn’t only parent detoxers and juice fasters who concern
me. There are still plenty of traditional dieters, caloric restricters,
and Weight Watchers out there.
Combined with people like me who have various dietary restrictions
(as my kids know, I don’t eat red meat and was a vegetarian for almost
two decades), we get a whole lot of families where adults’ food choices can seem really limited.
The message that many kids get in this environment is not one of
healthy eating, but rather one that says that the majority of foods are
the enemy.
4. Commenting About Our Kids’ Weight Gain or Loss
If commenting about our own weight gain or loss can have such an impact on our kids, just imagine how commenting about our children’s weight affects them!
A lot of parents congratulate kids on losing weight or even find
themselves saying things like “That outfit looks great on you – so
slimming!” But all this does is remind kids that they are more loveable and valued when skinny.
If a child really does have a weight related health issue, addressing
that with a trained health professional will be a lot more effective
that reinforcing the inaccurate message that losing weight is a cure-all
for everything from illness to social problems that kids already get
every day in the rest of their lives.
And despite what a lot of people think, there is really no way to
determine if someone is healthy or not by looking at their body. Yet
parents often fall into the trap of assuming that a rounder or bigger
kid is at risk of health related issues and so makes comments under this
misperception.
4 Tips to Encourage Body Love Instead of Body Hate
Luckily, parents don’t only have the power to hurt our kids’ body image. We can also help them develop positive body feelings.
Here are a few pretty easy ways to start:
1. Compliment Children on What They Do, Not on What They Look Like
It’s not that you should never tell a kid how great they look. I know
I’m always remarking on how cute my kids are, or how awesome a new
outfit is on them. But I also try to frame body comments in a way that focuses more on the jobs my kids’ bodies do rather than on the way they appear.
So I will marvel to my daughter at how strong she is as she swings
herself across monkey bars. Or I will tell my son how proud I am that he
learned to swim (fourth time around in starfish level at the Y finally did the trick!).
And I hope in doing this I will help my kids see their bodies as what
makes them capable of so many amazing things and not as not foes to be
tamed.
2. Teach Kids That Weight Gain and Changes to Body Shape Are a Needed and Expected Part of Getting Older
For a lot of kids, the changes of puberty are rough. Bodies can morph
from something familiar to something foreign seemingly overnight.
Often, that means that adolescents develop more visible body fat, and
girls, in particular, may develop breasts and see their hips, butts,
thighs, and bellies grow. But this is not a problem. It is a just sign that someone is growing up.
Kids should be reminded that we need fat on our bodies. It’s crucial for brain development, for menstruation, and to keep us warm – just to name a few basics.
3. If You Must Talk About Healthy Eating and Exercise, Do So Without Mentioning Weight or Appearance
There are lots of ways to discuss health without focusing on looks.
We can talk about how protein fills us up more than sugar so we don’t
get hungry as quickly after eating. We can talk about how exercise can
be fun and help us stay strong and energized. We can talk about how to
read a nutrition label to ensure you are getting enough nutrients. But we don’t have to talk about how eating x and not y or exercising will keep us thin.
Doing so may seem motivating, but ultimately it will just turn
healthy habits into something we do out of fear and serve to further
reinforce the constant negative messages we already get about weight.
4. Don’t Treat ‘Fat’ as a Bad Word
A few years ago, my then six-year-old daughter was talking about
fraternal twins in her class. She was trying to describe them and said,
“Callie and Addie look kind of the same, but Addie is…” Then she paused
and whispered ”fatter,” as if the word fat was an awful thing to say out
loud.
It isn’t. Fat is a descriptive word not a slur.
And while I probably would have described the kid in question as just
plain bigger than her sister, I also needed my daughter to know that
when we treat the word fat as taboo, we reinforce the idea that it’s somehow less than rather than simply one of many ways to be in the world.
It is too easy to act as if being fat is shameful, but simply
allowing the word to exist without negative connotations is a good way
to break this cycle.
Parents, You Can Do It!
As a kid, my parents’ comments about their weight made me acutely
aware that I didn’t want to grow up and be in their position. And they
contributed to a belief that the world was already instilling in me –
namely, that being thin was preferable to any other alternative.
And this was all unintentional, of course! Like most other parents, mine were simply trying to make their kids feel good about themselves.
But part of the problem with comments like the ones I heard is that
while they’re seemingly positive or neutral, they often come at the
expense of denigrating oneself or others. That’s true even if they are
intended to be health promoting or complimentary.
Our kids are already getting the message that fat is a terrible thing
from the rest of the world. Luckily, we have the power to counter these
messages in very real way and without too much difficulty!
“How can I get my 2.5 year old son to be more independent? He is my sidekick, my errand running buddy, and we thoroughly enjoy each other’s company. That being said, he seems incapable of doing anything without me right by his side, and honestly, it can get a bit frustrating. Am I asking too much of him at his stage of development?”
I keep getting on his level and telling him that Mama needs to get some work done and that it’s his time to play, and when I’m done I will be able to play with him. He seems to get to a point where he’s desperate for my attention and just keeps asking why I can’t play, or says “Mama play with me, Mama when can you play, etc.” I almost feel as if we’re getting to a tough love approach, where I will have to impose “independent play time” each day so he’ll eventually learn how to play alone. – Concerned Mom
Ah, the entertainment trap. It is such an easy one for doting parents to fall into, especially with the firstborn child. I would definitely have gone this route myself if my baby hadn’t sent me a profound and pivotal message in our first RIE Parent/Infant Guidance Class together.
For the first three months of my daughter’s life, I’d been entertaining her nonstop, assuming it my duty to occupy and engage her every waking moment with my activity while she remained mostly passive (which is all I thought she could be). Then, following my RIE instructor’s suggestion, I placed her on her back on a blanket on the floor…and to my astonishment she lay there perfectly content for the two hour duration of the class.
My daughter’s message could not have been more crystal: Please stop keeping my mind so busy, Momma. I need a little time to think.
Taking that giant step back to observe my baby was the ticket to an exciting adventure, because I was then able to begin to know and enjoy my daughter, while also witnessing the physical, cognitive, creative and therapeutic benefits of her play.
But even if we do get the memo about trusting our babies to be capable, active learners and allowing them some time to “be”, the toddler years present a whole new challenge. Toddlers are in the process of gaining independence and discovering their power. They are supposed to keep pushing until they find our limits – testing what it takes to make us jump and how high. This is not being “bad” — they’re just doing their job.
Taken at face value, our toddler’s age appropriate demands might lead us to conclude, “My child obviously needs me desperately and can’t possibly play alone!” As parents, we may also be reticent to assert our own needs and wishes, because we want to avoid confronting our child’s strong emotions. Either way, we can end up causing our children to “unlearn” to play.
Here are some key steps to freeing children (and ourselves) from play and entertainment dependencies:
1. Learn a less intrusive way to play together
Little-known fact: when we sit quietly and are passive, yet receptive and attentive to our children while they play, they feel just as nurtured by our companionship (if not more so) than they do when we are actively involved. It is a profoundly validating experience for children to be able to hold our interest without having to ask or work for it. Without a word of our praise, our appreciation is palpable.
When adults play with children in the conventional sense, we almost always end up directing, dominating, or at least altering the course of action somewhat. We also tend to “hook” children on our involvement, which makes their transition to solo play a more difficult, almost foreign concept.
Learning to be a play “supporter” rather than playmate takes practice, entails sensitive observation, open-mindedness, acceptance and, most of all, restraint (especially for those more inclined to do than watch). But once we get this down, it is an incredibly relaxing, satisfying, Zen-like experience.
When and how should we respond so as not to interrupt self-directed play?
We simply take cues from our kids, trusting them to request our input, which they usually do by looking at us or expressing themselves verbally. Then we respond by narrating or “sportscasting” succinctly.
For example, let’s say our child is stacking blocks and the blocks tumble. If she doesn’t look towards us, it’s probably best not to say anything or even assume that this is a problem. If she does look toward us, or perhaps we hear her groan, we would then narrate (or “sportscast”): “I saw that. When you tried to put the red block on the top, the green and blue ones fell down.”
What if my child asks for help?
Never say no to a request for help, but ask lots of questions and assist as minimally as possible. Using the block tower example, you might go close to your child and ask, “What are you trying to do?”
“I want to make a tower.”
“You have the blue and yellow blocks stacked here, what block will you use next?”
“That one.”
“Okay, so let’s see how you’ll place that green one on top of the yellow one…”
Usually, this type of support is all the help children need.
2. Set limits with confidence, honesty and respect
“I almost feel as if we’re getting to a tough love approach, where I will have to impose “independent play” time each day so he’ll eventually learn how to play alone.”
If it were even possible to force independent play, that would defeat the entire purpose. Play isn’t play unless it’s a choice. But it is up to us to quit our job as entertainment director, get our personal work done, etc., and I certainly don’t see this as “tough love”. The child who whines, “Mama play with me, Mama when can you play” is only doing his job, seeking a straight answer from us about our limits. In return, our role is to:
Be clear — project confidence: “I am going to do some things in the kitchen” (Remember, our children can’t possibly feel comfortable separating unless we are)
Offer a choice, if possible: “Would you like to help me shuck the corn or will you play in your room?”
Acknowledge feelings and desires: “Oh, I know you want me to keep playing with you. I see how upset you are. We can do that again after dinner. “
Develop routine times for independent play so that separation is easier for your child to accept.
Provide your child a 100% safe space and open-ended toys or objects
3. Encourage play that is as mind-active as possible
The more time children spend in passive-receptive mode, the less adept and comfortable they will be playing independently. So…
Avoid screen use or keep it to a bare minimum
Offer simple toys and objects that make for more active, creative play
Instead of offering specific play activities, wait for children to invent their own
Have no fear of boredom
Let whatever children choose to do (or not do) be “enough”
Remember these golden rules of parenting:
The more we do (or toys do)…
the less our child does the more our child thinks she needs us (or toys) to do for her the less confident, capable, creative and fulfilled she feels I share more about fostering independent play in my new book: Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting.
Here are some inspiring and informative online articles:
What is Play, All They Need is Play, and just about everything else on Lisa Sunbury’s blog Regarding Baby
The spectacular four part (so far) series on play by Nadine and Anna of Mamas in the Making
Respecting Play: Observing & Interacting at the Same Time by Suchada Eickemeyer from Mama Eve
Fostering Self-Directed Play: ten tips to help pre-schoolers entertain themselves by Gauri, Loving Earth Mama
My numerous posts on play, especially Becoming Unglued, Solo Engagement, How To Stop Entertaining Your Baby and 7 Myths That Discourage Independent Play
