What your toddler thinks of discipline... Janet Lansbury

http://www.janetlansbury.com/2012/02/what-your-toddler-thinks-of-discipline/

I’ve been told that I “understand” toddlers (and nothing could be a greater compliment). This might be because my own emotional development was partially arrested as a toddler for reasons I haven’t yet unraveled, but it’s probably also because after all the time I’ve spent observing toddlers, I’ve begun to identify with them.

Sometimes, for example, when a parent in one of my classes asks her toddler not to throw toys, I’ll be unconvinced by her delivery and feel like joining the toddler in throwing more toys. Other times, a child will say he wants to leave the class as soon as he’s arrived. He’ll persist with the issue until his parent says decisively, “I hear you wanting to leave, but we won’t be going until class ends.” I’ll be feeling the toddler’s edginess while the parent is thinking, “Uh, oh, now what?” or is afraid to take a stand.
If toddlers could share their thoughts on discipline, here’s what I think they’d say…
1. Make me your ally. Don’t think in terms of “getting me to do” something. Don’t trick, bribe, shame or punish me. “You against me” is scary when I desperately need you on my side. So, please tell me politely or show me what you want. And stop me kindly (but definitively) from doing things you don’t want, way before you get mad.  Your calm demeanor and the positive options you give me (“I see you’re playing, so would you like to come in to change your diaper now or after you play for 5 more minutes?”), will help me to accept your instructions more gracefully.
2. Don’t be afraid of my reactions to the limits you give me. It’s discomforting for me when you are timid, tentative or evasive. How can I ever feel secure if the people I desperately need to depend on waver or tiptoe around my feelings? So, please put periods at the end of your sentences and then calmly accept my displeasure.  Your directions are more welcome than you’ll ever know.  They don’t hurt my fragile spirit. They free me, help me enormously, and are essential to my happiness.
3. Tell me the truth in simple terms, so that I can feel very clear about what you want. I may need several reminders while I’m learning, so please be patient and try to stay even-toned, even if you’ve already told me.  (Really, I don’t want to be annoying.)
4. Don’t get upset or angry if you can possibly help it. Those reactions don’t make me feel safe. I need to know that my behavior doesn’t “get” to you, that you can handle my issues with care and confidence. If not you, then who?
5. If I keep repeating the behavior, it’s because it doesn’t feel resolved for me. Either you aren’t being convincing enough, or you’re being too intense and emotional. When you give me “the look”, or there’s anger in your voice when you say “don’t hit!,” it unnerves me and I’m compelled to keep behaving that way until you can give me a calmer response.  I need to know that those kinds of behaviors aren’t allowed, but I also need to be assured constantly that they are no big deal at all and can be easily handled by you. You’ll show me this by being patient, calm, consistent and giving me brief, respectful, direct responses so that we can both let go and move on, knowing that our connection is still solid.
6. Consider my point of view and acknowledge it as much as possible…even if it seems ridiculous, wrong or crazy. There are no wrong desires or feelings, just wrong ways of acting on them, right?  I need to know that it’s okay to have these feelings and that you’ll understand and keep on loving me. Let me feel.
7. Remember that I don’t want to be in charge, even though the toddler creed is to never admit that. I am convincing. I can make you believe that your simple request to sit down while I eat is pure torture. Don’t mock me or call me out, but don’t believe it. Keep insisting — with love. My strong will is going to make you proud someday.  When you give in all the time, I feel less strong, far more wobbly.
8. Give me lots of YES time when I have your full attention and appreciation for all the good stuff I do. We all need balance.
9. Let me be a problem solver.  If our wishes are at odds, consider me capable of helping to find a solution, especially as I get older. (This post and video provide a brilliant example: Belief Behind The Behavior: Volcanoes And Cops )
10. Thank you for doing all of these really, really hard things in order to help me be the kind of kid who is enjoyed by his friends, is welcome in their parents’ homes, appreciated by teachers, and is (most of all) one of your favorite people to be with in the whole wide world…forever.

Your toddler might also like you to read:

My complete guide to respectful discipline: NO BAD KIDS: Toddler Discipline Without Shame

The excellent, user-friendly guidebook: 1, 2, 3, The Toddler Years

A Toddler’s Point Of View by Lisa Sunbury, Regarding Baby

Conflict Resolution by Genevieve Simperingham, Peaceful Parent Institute

A Toddler’s Need For Boundaries (No Walk In The Park)

Race recognition in toddlers

If u have race questions or other "sensitive topics" to discuss w spouse, don't say in front of child until parents discuss and agree. No big deal, but i.e.: "this book says little black girl"... Just tell me later. In the moment if there is something questionable in a book u can always skip it.

In this case it is ok in the book, it is an old book, also there were not and continue not to b many or a majority of books with minorities as main characters, so the book is pointing out as an important feature.

This topic came up on a montessori FB group. A mom said, "my kid said 'there was a brown boy at the playground'. Is this okay....?" Everyone said yes. It was ok kids notice skin colors, everyone does. Doesn't make sense to pretend they r not there. Can use a learning moment: there r ppl w many diff colors of skin, but we r all the same inside, all equal. When child gets older we can say although we r all equal, not all ppl r TREATED equally. Etc. and teach more and more as it becomes age appropriate.

That is why it is good for us to have books w ppl of diff races i.e. Snowy day, etc. and also other religions and cultures (which we don't have actually...) so he becomes exposed at an early age and we can discuss these imp issues

How to talk to your kids about drugs

http://www.drugfree.org/the-parent-toolkit/age-by-age-advice/

Talking to your kids after school...

http://www.redbookmag.com/life/mom-kids/g1229/talking-to-your-kids-after-school/?

Teaching Emotional Intelligence

https://www.fatherly.com/how-to-teach-child-emotional-intelligence-1510197286.html

Instead of saying "you're so cute"

Instead of " u r so cute!!"

I love being ur dad/grandpa
You make me smile/happy
I love u
I love playing/talking with u
I love listening to u sing/talk
You did it
You worked hard to fit the puzzle piece in
That's a new idea, tell me more about it

Good Job Alternative Phrases

Instead of Saying	Try Saying	Child Hears
“Look at you, you’re such a good girl.  You cleaned up all the paint by yourself.”	“You cleaned up the paint all by yourself!  That was a big task.  Thank you very much.  That was helpful.”	I am helpful.  I am capable.  I can tackle big projects and see them through to the end.  I am appreciated.
“I like it when you clean up the books.”	“You cleaned up the books all by yourself.  Thank you.  I appreciate it.”	I can make valuable contributions to our group.
“Good job!”	“You did it!  You must be proud of yourself.”	I am capable.  I can take pride in what I do.
“You drew a beautiful picture.”	“You have worked hard.  Tell me about your favorite part.”	My opinions are valuable
“I love your dress (hair, shirt, etc).”	“You picked out your clothes today.”	I am can make choices.
“You slept through the night (ate all your food, etc), what a good baby you are.”	“I love you.”	I am loved, and it’s not based on my behavior or biological drives.
“You have a stinky diaper, let’s change you.”	“You have poop in your diaper, you will feel better once you have a fresh diaper on.”	My body and my biological drives are o.k. and not something to be judged, but something to be respected.
"Stop screaming.”	“You are screaming.  You are feeling strongly right now.  Do you want my help?”	My feelings and needs are valid and important.  I can meet my needs and seek help if necessary.
“Stop crying.”	“You are crying.  You are feeling (identify the emotion).  Do you want my help?”	My emotions are valid and important.  I can regulate my emotions and seek help to soothe myself if I need to.
“Good boy/girl!”	“Thank you for…”	My worth does not depend on my behavior or others opinions of me.  I am appreciated when I contribute to “the team.”