Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
9 Tips to Get a Breastfed Baby to Take a Bottle
9 Tips to Get a Breastfed Baby to Take a Bottle
by Jeanne Sager January 9 at 1:18 PM
By now I think every mom knows the benefits of breastfeeding.
But there's one hardcore drawback, isn't there? Breastfeeding baby
means always being around baby, which ... well, can't always happen! So
what's a mom to do when she has her best friend's wedding coming up or
she's facing the dreaded end of maternity leave? Teach baby to use a bottle, of course.Only any breastfeeding mom who has tried to introduce the bottle knows this is easier said than done. Some babies just do not WANT to take the bottle, and when baby ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
But have no fear ... help is on the way.
The Stir asked real moms who have made it past the battle over bottle to share how they managed to get their little nurser to take something other than her nipple:
1. Invest in Good Nipples -- If you've never bottlefed a baby, chances are you're going to walk into the nipple aisle of the local store and be absolutely confused by the sea of choices! If your baby is still in the newborn stage, look for a slow-flow nipple, which will release the food more slowly (not gush into baby's mouth and overwhelm them). There are also nipples out there that claim to be more like a woman's breast. There's no guarantee that they'll work any better than a regular one, but some moms we asked swear by them, so it's not a bad idea to pick up one of each the first time out.
2. Pump Your Breast Milk -- By the time a baby is 3 or 4 weeks old, your supply is usually good enough to allow you to do at least one pumping to make baby's first bottle. It will be a lot easier to introduce the foreign rubber nipple to baby if the taste of what comes out of it is familiar! If you're going to be using formula, that will come later!
3. Enlist a Helper -- Babies who are breastfed come to mom expecting to be put to the breast and may become increasingly frustrated when that boobie doesn't appear. A dad, grandma, or family friend will likely have a lot more success getting baby to eat from a bottle. Your best bet -- after Dad -- is to try to find someone who has bottlefed a baby before. It might also be necessary for Mom to leave the room entirely.
4. Hold Baby Differently Than You Do While Nursing -- Breastfeeding moms all have different styles of holding baby to nurse -- from the cradle hold to the football hold and so on. But if you're cradling baby as always, they'll be expecting the breast. Try holding them in a different way, preferably propped up so they can easily drink from the bottle.
5. Express Some Milk -- Baby might be confused by the feel of that rubber nipple, but several moms told us that their baby finally responded to the bottle after they'd squeezed out the breast milk onto the nipple, so they got the taste right away. This prompted them to start sucking and voila.
6. Try a Spoon -- Sounds strange, but one mom told us this helped big time in making the transition. It was a last resort after several attempts to get the baby to take a bottle, and it worked! She propped her son in the car seat and produced the spoon. He lapped at the milk on the spoon and learned that he could get milk from a source other than mom. She then re-introduced the bottle, and the baby took it.
7. Try a Medicine Dropper -- This tip came from another mom who said she was desperate after several bottle attempts, but again it seemed to help teach her daughter that milk could come from anywhere. In this case, the mom would give her daughter breast milk in the dropper after she'd already eaten some from the breast and therefore wasn't so hungry and desperate for a meal. She did it every day for a week before once again trying the bottle.
8. Breastfeed First -- A hungry, cranky baby is not always up for change -- would you be? Try nursing baby for a little while, but don't allow them to fill up on your milk. That way they're hungry but in a better mood and more apt to try something new. THEN let Dad step in to finish the job with a bottle.
9. Don't Give Up -- You certainly should NOT starve a baby who is refusing to take the bottle, but giving in right away and breastfeeding isn't helping anyone. A baby can survive 10 minutes without you nursing them! Many moms make the big mistake of giving in too quickly ... and the baby never learns.
What are your best tips for getting baby to take a bottle?
Image via JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/Corbis
Monday, August 4, 2014
Spanking, Grey Matter and Depression/Addiction
http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/23/health/effects-spanking-brain/index.html?hpt=he_c2
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Teaching Your Baby to Put Himself to Sleep
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/babies/teaching-your-baby-to-put-himself-to-sleep
Teaching Your Baby to Put Himself to Sleep
How do you get your baby to go to sleep and sleep through the night?
She may accomplish that milestone on her own, soon. Or she may need a little help from you to learn how to put herself to sleep. We all need to learn how to get back to sleep when the normal rhythm of our sleep cycles takes us into a slightly wakened state during the night.
Photo: SoulfulI suggest that you begin by reading the section on Infants and Sleep, for a general framing of the issue, including my bias toward keeping infants near you during sleep. (Why this bias? Because it gets you more sleep, and reduces the risk of SIDS for your baby.)
If you're considering Ferbering, you might want to read my biased view on that. Finally, I recommend that you check out Toddlers and Sleep for step by step recommendations on teaching a little one to sleep on her own.
After all that reading, you'll have a decision to make. Do you embark on some kind of sleep training with your baby? Your strategy will depend on the age of your baby, and of course also on how desperate you are for some sleep.
You'll be interested to know that most babies either do not fall asleep without being held, or do not sleep all night in their own bed. It simply isn't a "normal" thing for small humans to do, biologically speaking.
You can, however, teach babies to fall asleep themselves without leaving them to cry. This is not an overnight process -- it can take months -- but it does work. If you'd like to begin developing good sleep habits now, you'll want to start by breaking the association between nursing (or sucking) and falling asleep. Usually, babies find it easiest if you start by rocking them. So you can take this step-by-step:
1. Separate nursing/eating from sleep. Feed your baby when he wakes up from sleep, and again a bit later if he is awake and still hungry. But when he is just sleepy, experiment with walking or rocking him instead of feeding him. That way, he begins to learn to fall asleep without sucking. Of course, you are still using rocking or walking to get him to sleep, but that is an easier sleep association to break than sucking. PLEASE NOTE: This does NOT mean you withhold food from a hungry baby. You don't start this until your baby is several months old, nursing or eating well, and physically thriving. Infants need to eat very often, so you will often find that your infant is hungry and tired at the same time. If you walk or rock your baby and he continues to cry and protest, then he may very well be hungry as well as tired. In that case, feed him. The point here is gradually break the sucking/sleep association by helping your baby fall asleep in other ways than sucking, and you do that by offering the option. More and more often, he will indeed fall asleep. If he's hungry, he will keep crying to let you know, in which case of course you would feed him.
2. Help your little one learn to fall asleep lying still (in your arms). Once she's used to falling asleep being rocked or walked instead of eating, the next phase is to get her to fall asleep without rocking. So you begin with rocking, but then, before she is actually asleep, you stop rocking, and just sit holding her. If she protests, begin rocking again. Keep repeating this. It may take 25 attempts, but eventually she will begin falling asleep even though you have stopped rocking. That’s a real victory. Do this for a week or so until she's used to it as your new routine: getting sleepy while rocking and then falling asleep in your arms while not rocking.
3. Help your little one learn to fall asleep in his bed. The next step is to wait until Baby is almost asleep in the chair with you holding him, then stand and hold him still in your arms in his sleeping position (on his back) until he is almost asleep and accepts the stillness. If he protests, rock him in your arms as he falls asleep while you’re standing. Again, do this for a week until he is used to this routine. Next step is to begin lowering him into the crib or bed still awake although almost asleep. When he protests, pick him up again in the rocking position and rock a little, then stop. Keep repeating this. It may take 25 attempts, but eventually he will let you put him in the bed without protest. Now you are almost home.
4. Touch instead of holding, in her bed. Eventually, you will be able to put your baby in the crib and hold her there while she falls asleep, because she will not need rocking any more. Then you move to touching, but not holding, your baby, while she falls asleep in the crib. Eventually, she will be able to fall asleep with you simply holding her hand, or putting your hand on her forehead. Keep doing this until she accepts it as your new routine -- getting sleepy rocking, but then being put into her bed lying on her back and falling asleep there, eventually without you even touching her. Guess what? You now have a baby who can be put down in the crib awake, and who will fall asleep on her own!
Recommended Resources:
I highly recommend Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution.
Teaching Your Baby to Put Himself to Sleep
How do you get your baby to go to sleep and sleep through the night?
She may accomplish that milestone on her own, soon. Or she may need a little help from you to learn how to put herself to sleep. We all need to learn how to get back to sleep when the normal rhythm of our sleep cycles takes us into a slightly wakened state during the night.
Photo: SoulfulI suggest that you begin by reading the section on Infants and Sleep, for a general framing of the issue, including my bias toward keeping infants near you during sleep. (Why this bias? Because it gets you more sleep, and reduces the risk of SIDS for your baby.)
If you're considering Ferbering, you might want to read my biased view on that. Finally, I recommend that you check out Toddlers and Sleep for step by step recommendations on teaching a little one to sleep on her own.
After all that reading, you'll have a decision to make. Do you embark on some kind of sleep training with your baby? Your strategy will depend on the age of your baby, and of course also on how desperate you are for some sleep.
You'll be interested to know that most babies either do not fall asleep without being held, or do not sleep all night in their own bed. It simply isn't a "normal" thing for small humans to do, biologically speaking.
You can, however, teach babies to fall asleep themselves without leaving them to cry. This is not an overnight process -- it can take months -- but it does work. If you'd like to begin developing good sleep habits now, you'll want to start by breaking the association between nursing (or sucking) and falling asleep. Usually, babies find it easiest if you start by rocking them. So you can take this step-by-step:
1. Separate nursing/eating from sleep. Feed your baby when he wakes up from sleep, and again a bit later if he is awake and still hungry. But when he is just sleepy, experiment with walking or rocking him instead of feeding him. That way, he begins to learn to fall asleep without sucking. Of course, you are still using rocking or walking to get him to sleep, but that is an easier sleep association to break than sucking. PLEASE NOTE: This does NOT mean you withhold food from a hungry baby. You don't start this until your baby is several months old, nursing or eating well, and physically thriving. Infants need to eat very often, so you will often find that your infant is hungry and tired at the same time. If you walk or rock your baby and he continues to cry and protest, then he may very well be hungry as well as tired. In that case, feed him. The point here is gradually break the sucking/sleep association by helping your baby fall asleep in other ways than sucking, and you do that by offering the option. More and more often, he will indeed fall asleep. If he's hungry, he will keep crying to let you know, in which case of course you would feed him.
2. Help your little one learn to fall asleep lying still (in your arms). Once she's used to falling asleep being rocked or walked instead of eating, the next phase is to get her to fall asleep without rocking. So you begin with rocking, but then, before she is actually asleep, you stop rocking, and just sit holding her. If she protests, begin rocking again. Keep repeating this. It may take 25 attempts, but eventually she will begin falling asleep even though you have stopped rocking. That’s a real victory. Do this for a week or so until she's used to it as your new routine: getting sleepy while rocking and then falling asleep in your arms while not rocking.
3. Help your little one learn to fall asleep in his bed. The next step is to wait until Baby is almost asleep in the chair with you holding him, then stand and hold him still in your arms in his sleeping position (on his back) until he is almost asleep and accepts the stillness. If he protests, rock him in your arms as he falls asleep while you’re standing. Again, do this for a week until he is used to this routine. Next step is to begin lowering him into the crib or bed still awake although almost asleep. When he protests, pick him up again in the rocking position and rock a little, then stop. Keep repeating this. It may take 25 attempts, but eventually he will let you put him in the bed without protest. Now you are almost home.
4. Touch instead of holding, in her bed. Eventually, you will be able to put your baby in the crib and hold her there while she falls asleep, because she will not need rocking any more. Then you move to touching, but not holding, your baby, while she falls asleep in the crib. Eventually, she will be able to fall asleep with you simply holding her hand, or putting your hand on her forehead. Keep doing this until she accepts it as your new routine -- getting sleepy rocking, but then being put into her bed lying on her back and falling asleep there, eventually without you even touching her. Guess what? You now have a baby who can be put down in the crib awake, and who will fall asleep on her own!
Recommended Resources:
I highly recommend Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Great article from Aha Parenting on increasing Child IQ
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/child-loves-read
Forget Baby Einstein. The single best way to increase your child’s IQ is to read to her and instill a love of reading. Does your child read every evening, not because it’s assigned, but just for fun? Some kids do, and those are the kids who do better academically, at every step of the way. School performance correlates more directly with children's reading scores than any other single indicator.
Most parents buy board books for their babies and say they hope they'll love reading. And yet, by middle school, most kids stop reading books that aren't assigned in school. Only 28 percent of eighth graders scored at or above the proficiency level in reading in 1994; in fact, only two percent of them read at an advanced level.
What happens? The habit of reading never really gets ingrained in childhood. Our kids love leafing through books as toddlers, looking at the pictures. They may even enjoy reading as elementary schoolers. But reading is hard work, and life offers so many other ways to entertain themselves that reading always seems more like work than play. They never get to that delicious place where reading a book is more fun than almost anything.
So how can you inspire a lasting love of reading?
1. Read to your child from the earliest age. And not just at bedtime. Buy board books and cloth books as some of your child's first toys. Carry them around with snacks in the diaper bag. Create "cozy time," a ritual of connection in which you both associate love and cuddling with reading. Any time either of you needs a break, grab a book and read to your child. Post tantrum, during lunch, after school, while you have your coffee on Sunday, any time can be cozy time.
2. Begin visiting the library regularly by the time your child is two and she may well prefer reading to any other activity. Use the time in the library to read to your child as well as to select books. My kids would never sit still at library "story times," but if your child likes them, by all means go. Write down the names of the books you check out if your library can't give you a printout, so you can keep track of returning them on time. Keep library books on a separate shelf in the living room or kitchen so you don't lose them, and so you can always easily find something new to read. (If you don't take them out of the house, you won't lose them.)
Supervising a toddler and perusing bookshelves is always a challenge; it helps if you can develop a list of authors and books so you can find good ones easily. Librarians usually have a list of favorite books for various ages, and other parents and kids are always a good source of suggestions. Find some series you like and share your child's excitement when you find another book by a beloved author. (See Recommended Children's Books) (http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/children-books) .
3. Read to your child as often as possible. I found that before my children could really participate in meals, reading to them during lunch or an early dinner (when the other parent isn't yet home from work) entertained them enough to keep them sitting. They were much more likely to try the foods I put in front of them with my company and the diversion of a book, than if I let them sit in the high chair or at the kitchen table to eat while I cooked. This is very different from putting kids in front of a screen while they eat. Then, they stare at the screen as they unconsciously put things in their mouth. Being read to is more like listening to the radio; they can look at their food and savor it as they listen, glancing occasionally at the pictures you hold up.
4. Don't push your child to learn to read. He will read naturally once he develops the preliminary skills. Your goal is not to help him sound out words, but to encourage a love of books, both pictures and stories. Teaching him to read will take all the fun out of reading. If you push him, he'll feel put on the spot, and he'll feel dumb. That feeling will last his whole life, and it won't endear reading to him.
Some very smart children don't learn to read until they're over seven years old. Don't worry. They'll quickly catch up with those who started at four or five. I know two children who were reading at 3 years old, and at 6 years old, respectively. They are both now 9, and in the fourth grade. They both read at about an eighth grade reading level. The only difference is that the early reader feels insecure about no longer being “special,” and often acts obnoxiously superior to other kids. There is absolutely no benefit to pushing your child to read "early," and there are many drawbacks. (Should you stop her from teaching herself to read? Of course not. I'm just saying not to push it and not to make it your child's claim to fame, because sooner or later everyone else will catch up. It's a bit like whether a child learns to walk at nine months or 16 months. Who cares?)
5. Don't stop reading to him once he learns to read. Read to him every step of the way, for as long as he'll let you. Continuing to read to him will keep him interested as his skills develop. And it gives you lots of fodder for conversations about values and choices.
Parents often complain that their early readers CAN read, but just don't seem interested in doing so.........(Continue reading (http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/child-loves-read) )
Forget Baby Einstein. The single best way to increase your child’s IQ is to read to her and instill a love of reading. Does your child read every evening, not because it’s assigned, but just for fun? Some kids do, and those are the kids who do better academically, at every step of the way. School performance correlates more directly with children's reading scores than any other single indicator.
Most parents buy board books for their babies and say they hope they'll love reading. And yet, by middle school, most kids stop reading books that aren't assigned in school. Only 28 percent of eighth graders scored at or above the proficiency level in reading in 1994; in fact, only two percent of them read at an advanced level.
What happens? The habit of reading never really gets ingrained in childhood. Our kids love leafing through books as toddlers, looking at the pictures. They may even enjoy reading as elementary schoolers. But reading is hard work, and life offers so many other ways to entertain themselves that reading always seems more like work than play. They never get to that delicious place where reading a book is more fun than almost anything.
So how can you inspire a lasting love of reading?
1. Read to your child from the earliest age. And not just at bedtime. Buy board books and cloth books as some of your child's first toys. Carry them around with snacks in the diaper bag. Create "cozy time," a ritual of connection in which you both associate love and cuddling with reading. Any time either of you needs a break, grab a book and read to your child. Post tantrum, during lunch, after school, while you have your coffee on Sunday, any time can be cozy time.
2. Begin visiting the library regularly by the time your child is two and she may well prefer reading to any other activity. Use the time in the library to read to your child as well as to select books. My kids would never sit still at library "story times," but if your child likes them, by all means go. Write down the names of the books you check out if your library can't give you a printout, so you can keep track of returning them on time. Keep library books on a separate shelf in the living room or kitchen so you don't lose them, and so you can always easily find something new to read. (If you don't take them out of the house, you won't lose them.)
Supervising a toddler and perusing bookshelves is always a challenge; it helps if you can develop a list of authors and books so you can find good ones easily. Librarians usually have a list of favorite books for various ages, and other parents and kids are always a good source of suggestions. Find some series you like and share your child's excitement when you find another book by a beloved author. (See Recommended Children's Books) (http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/children-books) .
3. Read to your child as often as possible. I found that before my children could really participate in meals, reading to them during lunch or an early dinner (when the other parent isn't yet home from work) entertained them enough to keep them sitting. They were much more likely to try the foods I put in front of them with my company and the diversion of a book, than if I let them sit in the high chair or at the kitchen table to eat while I cooked. This is very different from putting kids in front of a screen while they eat. Then, they stare at the screen as they unconsciously put things in their mouth. Being read to is more like listening to the radio; they can look at their food and savor it as they listen, glancing occasionally at the pictures you hold up.
4. Don't push your child to learn to read. He will read naturally once he develops the preliminary skills. Your goal is not to help him sound out words, but to encourage a love of books, both pictures and stories. Teaching him to read will take all the fun out of reading. If you push him, he'll feel put on the spot, and he'll feel dumb. That feeling will last his whole life, and it won't endear reading to him.
Some very smart children don't learn to read until they're over seven years old. Don't worry. They'll quickly catch up with those who started at four or five. I know two children who were reading at 3 years old, and at 6 years old, respectively. They are both now 9, and in the fourth grade. They both read at about an eighth grade reading level. The only difference is that the early reader feels insecure about no longer being “special,” and often acts obnoxiously superior to other kids. There is absolutely no benefit to pushing your child to read "early," and there are many drawbacks. (Should you stop her from teaching herself to read? Of course not. I'm just saying not to push it and not to make it your child's claim to fame, because sooner or later everyone else will catch up. It's a bit like whether a child learns to walk at nine months or 16 months. Who cares?)
5. Don't stop reading to him once he learns to read. Read to him every step of the way, for as long as he'll let you. Continuing to read to him will keep him interested as his skills develop. And it gives you lots of fodder for conversations about values and choices.
Parents often complain that their early readers CAN read, but just don't seem interested in doing so.........(Continue reading (http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/child-loves-read) )
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
How to give your child a rich life-- without raising entitled kids.
http://us2.campaign-archive2.com/?u=775b94b440ad73397931a9ad7&id=23c44a371b&e=a2330417a9
How to give your child a rich life--
without raising entitled kids.
“Our offspring have simply leveraged our good intentions and over-investment...They inhabit a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.”- Sally Koslow
"I think I want my daughter to have some sense of entitlement... We were raised that we don't deserve anything, including respect.... This happens every generation, the same spoiled children story....I'm sure the first generation of kids to wear shoes or go to school were also considered spoiled and entitled. I say we break the cycle of calling the younger generation names." - Kara
We all want to raise kids who know how to work hard to create what they want in the world. Nobody wants to raise a child who thinks the world owes him, who feels like he’s entitled to take whatever he wants. But Kara is right. We also DO want to raise a child who feels deserving of the blessings of abundance—spiritual, emotional, and yes, physical—the rich life that should be the birthright of every child. How do we raise a child who feels deserving – but not “entitled”?
1. Don't feed your child's emotional hunger with possessions. Material cravings are so often a salve for the deeper need all humans share to be deeply seen, accepted, cherished. Often when we feel guilty that we aren't spending enough time with our kids, we buy them things. When your child gets demanding, that's a red flag to stop, drop your busy-ness, and get clear about your priorities. What can you do with your child today to simply enjoy her? How can you set up rituals in your week to spend more time connecting? As the old saying goes, children thrive when you give them half as many presents and twice as much of your presence.
2. Empower kids to create their own abundance. Too often, out of our own anxiety about money, we shame children when they “want” material things. But the opposite response of giving kids everything they ask for also teaches the wrong lessons. There is a better way—we can empower our child. Consider these three approaches to your child in the toy store when you’re buying a present for her cousin’s birthday.
“Don’t even start asking…you know better than that! Don’t you ever get enough? Do you think money grows on trees? You don’t even take care of the things you have!”
This approach teaches your child that he doesn't deserve (of course he's deserving), that he's greedy for wanting things (all of us want things, all the time) that his parents can't afford the things he wants (which can lead to a sense of deprivation), and that he is powerless to get what he wants in life (which makes him feel resentful; all those riches lined up on the shelves are for other people but not for him.) The result? Something that looks a lot like entitlement, or at least looking out for number one.
“I hear you, I hear you—you really want it!….How much is it?....Well…..I guess so…Do you promise you’ll be a good girl all week and really listen?”
This is bribing your child to cooperate, which always digs you into a hole. But what's worse is that if we just hand our kids everything they want on a material level, it creates the expectation that they'll be handed whatever they want in life, especially if they make a fuss, and promises they can’t necessarily keep. She'll feel great for the moment, since our brains give us a hit of dopamine every time we chase, conquer, acquire. But that purchase will quickly lose its luster and she'll be craving the next thing. That addicts her to purchasing things (or manipulating others to purchase things for her) as a way to feel good, and it gets her into the habit of acquiring more, more, more without feeling gratitude for what she has, both material and non-material.
“You really want that, I hear you…Wow, that is cool, isn’t it?...It’s not in our plan for today“ (In other words, this is not about a poverty mentality. It's about priorities) "...I’m sorry, I see how much you like it…Do you want me to put it on your birthday list?...You’re right, your birthday is a long way off….But if you still want it, you can have it then….And you know, if you really want it sooner, you can earn the money…Sure, I can think of some odd jobs that aren’t part of your normal chores...And you're getting old enough that you could walk the dog for Mrs. Jennings, or shovel the snow this winter around the neighborhood.”
This child feels empowered. If she really wants this item, she can get it—either now or later. She’s learned that anything she wants is possible, with enough hard work.
3. Empower your child by giving her the chance to learn the value of hard work. Remember the days when kids did odd jobs all summer to earn money for a bike? Those kids knew the worth of a nickel, took care of their bikes, and felt enormously empowered. They knew they could realize their dreams by working hard. I'm not saying you can't buy a new bike just because your child outgrew her old one, but all children need to learn that if they work hard at things, they can make their dreams come true. They learn more from earning than from just being handed things. And the pursuit of a goal is rewarding in itself.
4. Help your child learn how to hold a job. Earning money at home is one thing, but there's nothing as educational as working for someone outside the family for pay, which teaches real responsibility in the real world. Start when your eight year old wants something badly and her birthday's still far off, by paying her to do tasks you wouldn’t normally expect of her (washing the car, weeding the garden). But over time, be sure this expands to odd jobs in the neighborhood (walk the neighbor’s dog or offer snow shoveling service in the winter), then to mother’s helper/babysitting jobs when it’s age appropriate, and finally to after-school or summer jobs. Even if your family has plenty and never needs your teenager to work, every teen should learn by experience what it takes to earn a dollar.
5. Role Model. Children won't always do what you say, but they'll always, eventually, do what you do. If you shop for relaxation or fun, so will your child. If you "must have" the latest tech toy, your child will follow in your footsteps. If you express gratitude for everything you have, so will your child.
6. Hold your child accountable for damaged goods. If kids help pay for lost library books and cell phones, windows broken by their baseball, or tools they've left out to rust from their own savings, they learn a valuable lesson about valuing what they have, rather than assuming someone else will simply "buy another." Of course, you stay clear about priorities -- your child is always more important than that thing he broke. And you never have to be mean about it. You just expect your child to help make things right.
7. Counteract the message that happiness can be bought. As parents, we need to remember that we aren't the only ones teaching our children about life. TV is a very effective teacher, and if it has your child's ear, it has a direct line to her brain. Studies show that most adults say they're not affected by TV ads, but in fact those ads influence them deeply. Imagine how much more true that is for children, who get the constant media message that the goal of life is more money and more things. Ultimately, what we model and what we tell our children will matter more, but we need to confront those destructive messages directly, and when possible keep them from reaching our kids.
8. Help your child wire his brain for a different kind of reward. Recognize that buying is an addiction, given that dopamine is released when we get what we pursue. It isn't wanting that gets us into trouble, it's WHAT we want and pursue. Material things don't satisfy our hunting urge for more than a day or so before we crave more. So notice what you pursue, and help your child discover the emotional rewards of other kinds of chases besides shopping and acquisition. No, he can’t hunt a mastadon, but how about the pursuit of mastery, with something he’s passionate about? A child who loves playing basketball, cooking, writing, music—any passion—practices it, builds resilience, and along the way wires his brain to find fulfillment in a different kind of chase. This is the kind of reward that lasts.
9. Educate yourself. You aren't raising your child in a vacuum. Our culture is centered around consumption -- accumulating more and more stuff. You and your kids are surrounded by messages that buying stuff will make your life better, and it's so hard not to respond to that drumbeat. I highly recommend the short video "The Story of Stuff" which will make you laugh, change the way you look at things, and maybe change the way your family lives.
Notice a thread here? If kids today feel entitled, it's not because they're "bad." It's because we're raising them in a culture of entitlement, one that values acquiring stuff over developing our unique gifts to contribute to the world, and even over being a good human being. It's because when they want connection and validation, we give them stuff. To help kids change, we have to examine our own lives and assumptions.
The good news is that these practices do work to raise kids who aren't "entitled." What's more, they make your life better. Because when we take the emphasis off stuff, we shift it to where it belongs: Connecting and contributing, which create lasting, rather than momentary, happiness.
This article is part of the series Are Kids Today Spoiled and Undisciplined?
Choose love!
Dr. Laura
How to give your child a rich life--
without raising entitled kids.
“Our offspring have simply leveraged our good intentions and over-investment...They inhabit a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.”- Sally Koslow
"I think I want my daughter to have some sense of entitlement... We were raised that we don't deserve anything, including respect.... This happens every generation, the same spoiled children story....I'm sure the first generation of kids to wear shoes or go to school were also considered spoiled and entitled. I say we break the cycle of calling the younger generation names." - Kara
We all want to raise kids who know how to work hard to create what they want in the world. Nobody wants to raise a child who thinks the world owes him, who feels like he’s entitled to take whatever he wants. But Kara is right. We also DO want to raise a child who feels deserving of the blessings of abundance—spiritual, emotional, and yes, physical—the rich life that should be the birthright of every child. How do we raise a child who feels deserving – but not “entitled”?
1. Don't feed your child's emotional hunger with possessions. Material cravings are so often a salve for the deeper need all humans share to be deeply seen, accepted, cherished. Often when we feel guilty that we aren't spending enough time with our kids, we buy them things. When your child gets demanding, that's a red flag to stop, drop your busy-ness, and get clear about your priorities. What can you do with your child today to simply enjoy her? How can you set up rituals in your week to spend more time connecting? As the old saying goes, children thrive when you give them half as many presents and twice as much of your presence.
2. Empower kids to create their own abundance. Too often, out of our own anxiety about money, we shame children when they “want” material things. But the opposite response of giving kids everything they ask for also teaches the wrong lessons. There is a better way—we can empower our child. Consider these three approaches to your child in the toy store when you’re buying a present for her cousin’s birthday.
“Don’t even start asking…you know better than that! Don’t you ever get enough? Do you think money grows on trees? You don’t even take care of the things you have!”
This approach teaches your child that he doesn't deserve (of course he's deserving), that he's greedy for wanting things (all of us want things, all the time) that his parents can't afford the things he wants (which can lead to a sense of deprivation), and that he is powerless to get what he wants in life (which makes him feel resentful; all those riches lined up on the shelves are for other people but not for him.) The result? Something that looks a lot like entitlement, or at least looking out for number one.
“I hear you, I hear you—you really want it!….How much is it?....Well…..I guess so…Do you promise you’ll be a good girl all week and really listen?”
This is bribing your child to cooperate, which always digs you into a hole. But what's worse is that if we just hand our kids everything they want on a material level, it creates the expectation that they'll be handed whatever they want in life, especially if they make a fuss, and promises they can’t necessarily keep. She'll feel great for the moment, since our brains give us a hit of dopamine every time we chase, conquer, acquire. But that purchase will quickly lose its luster and she'll be craving the next thing. That addicts her to purchasing things (or manipulating others to purchase things for her) as a way to feel good, and it gets her into the habit of acquiring more, more, more without feeling gratitude for what she has, both material and non-material.
“You really want that, I hear you…Wow, that is cool, isn’t it?...It’s not in our plan for today“ (In other words, this is not about a poverty mentality. It's about priorities) "...I’m sorry, I see how much you like it…Do you want me to put it on your birthday list?...You’re right, your birthday is a long way off….But if you still want it, you can have it then….And you know, if you really want it sooner, you can earn the money…Sure, I can think of some odd jobs that aren’t part of your normal chores...And you're getting old enough that you could walk the dog for Mrs. Jennings, or shovel the snow this winter around the neighborhood.”
This child feels empowered. If she really wants this item, she can get it—either now or later. She’s learned that anything she wants is possible, with enough hard work.
3. Empower your child by giving her the chance to learn the value of hard work. Remember the days when kids did odd jobs all summer to earn money for a bike? Those kids knew the worth of a nickel, took care of their bikes, and felt enormously empowered. They knew they could realize their dreams by working hard. I'm not saying you can't buy a new bike just because your child outgrew her old one, but all children need to learn that if they work hard at things, they can make their dreams come true. They learn more from earning than from just being handed things. And the pursuit of a goal is rewarding in itself.
4. Help your child learn how to hold a job. Earning money at home is one thing, but there's nothing as educational as working for someone outside the family for pay, which teaches real responsibility in the real world. Start when your eight year old wants something badly and her birthday's still far off, by paying her to do tasks you wouldn’t normally expect of her (washing the car, weeding the garden). But over time, be sure this expands to odd jobs in the neighborhood (walk the neighbor’s dog or offer snow shoveling service in the winter), then to mother’s helper/babysitting jobs when it’s age appropriate, and finally to after-school or summer jobs. Even if your family has plenty and never needs your teenager to work, every teen should learn by experience what it takes to earn a dollar.
5. Role Model. Children won't always do what you say, but they'll always, eventually, do what you do. If you shop for relaxation or fun, so will your child. If you "must have" the latest tech toy, your child will follow in your footsteps. If you express gratitude for everything you have, so will your child.
6. Hold your child accountable for damaged goods. If kids help pay for lost library books and cell phones, windows broken by their baseball, or tools they've left out to rust from their own savings, they learn a valuable lesson about valuing what they have, rather than assuming someone else will simply "buy another." Of course, you stay clear about priorities -- your child is always more important than that thing he broke. And you never have to be mean about it. You just expect your child to help make things right.
7. Counteract the message that happiness can be bought. As parents, we need to remember that we aren't the only ones teaching our children about life. TV is a very effective teacher, and if it has your child's ear, it has a direct line to her brain. Studies show that most adults say they're not affected by TV ads, but in fact those ads influence them deeply. Imagine how much more true that is for children, who get the constant media message that the goal of life is more money and more things. Ultimately, what we model and what we tell our children will matter more, but we need to confront those destructive messages directly, and when possible keep them from reaching our kids.
8. Help your child wire his brain for a different kind of reward. Recognize that buying is an addiction, given that dopamine is released when we get what we pursue. It isn't wanting that gets us into trouble, it's WHAT we want and pursue. Material things don't satisfy our hunting urge for more than a day or so before we crave more. So notice what you pursue, and help your child discover the emotional rewards of other kinds of chases besides shopping and acquisition. No, he can’t hunt a mastadon, but how about the pursuit of mastery, with something he’s passionate about? A child who loves playing basketball, cooking, writing, music—any passion—practices it, builds resilience, and along the way wires his brain to find fulfillment in a different kind of chase. This is the kind of reward that lasts.
9. Educate yourself. You aren't raising your child in a vacuum. Our culture is centered around consumption -- accumulating more and more stuff. You and your kids are surrounded by messages that buying stuff will make your life better, and it's so hard not to respond to that drumbeat. I highly recommend the short video "The Story of Stuff" which will make you laugh, change the way you look at things, and maybe change the way your family lives.
Notice a thread here? If kids today feel entitled, it's not because they're "bad." It's because we're raising them in a culture of entitlement, one that values acquiring stuff over developing our unique gifts to contribute to the world, and even over being a good human being. It's because when they want connection and validation, we give them stuff. To help kids change, we have to examine our own lives and assumptions.
The good news is that these practices do work to raise kids who aren't "entitled." What's more, they make your life better. Because when we take the emphasis off stuff, we shift it to where it belongs: Connecting and contributing, which create lasting, rather than momentary, happiness.
This article is part of the series Are Kids Today Spoiled and Undisciplined?
Choose love!
Dr. Laura
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