COMMENTS: I like this idea. But I will need to keep a list of alternate things to say bc the " good job" comes so naturally.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/What_To_Say_Instead_of_Praising/
What To Say Instead of Praising
"Dr. Laura.....I probably say 'Good Job!" ten times a day....if praise isn't a good idea, what am I supposed to say to encourage good behavior?!" - Ariana
"What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise. "Good job!" is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgment and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us." -- Alfie Kohn
In my last post, I wrote that praise as we usually give it isn't good for kids. So, like Ariana, you may be wondering how else you can give your child positive feedback. After all, you've heard it takes at least 7 positive interactions for every negative interaction to maintain a good relationship. While hugs and smiles go a long way, you're in constant verbal interaction with your child, and your most common phrase may well be "Good job!" Besides, there are things you'd like him to learn about how to be in the world. How else can you guide him?
The short answer is that our children need to be seen and loved, no matter what. The evaluation inherent is praise is what's problematic. No one likes to feel constantly judged, and it has a dampening effect on confidence, initiative, and simply being able to take pride in one's accomplishments.
But that doesn't mean you can't find positive ways to interact with your child, hopefully many of them, all day long. And it doesn't mean you can't help him notice the effect of his choices, so he can make wise ones. Here are some examples.
Instead of:
"Good sharing!"
Try:
"Wow! Look how happy your brother is to have a turn with your toy."
Why? We all want to guide our child, and that does involve value judgments on our part. But instead of just explaining things as good and bad, take the time to help your child see his power in the world. This shows him in ways he can easily understand that his actions really do matter. Rather than telling him that he's good when he acts in accordance with a value that's important to you, point out the result. That way he can decide whether to repeat the behavior to get that good feeling inside -- rather than just to get praise from outside.
Instead of:
"What an incredible painting!"
Try:
"I saw you working hard on that painting. Can you tell me about it?"
Why? You're not expecting her to be Van Gogh at four. What you want is for her to enjoy the exploration, the process, the work -- and to go on to do more painting. Research shows that when we evaluate, children worry that their next painting won't be as good, so they stop trying.
Aren't there value judgments inherent in your feedback? Yes. In this case what we're noticing is "hard work." But I don't think it's a problem to focus positive attention on what we value. After all, we're guiding our child all day every day in accordance with our values. What's important is to notice what you're focusing on with your feedback. For instance,
Instead of:
"You played better today; you almost scored a goal."
Try:
"I love to watch you play!"
Why? It sounds like her playing isn't worth anything unless she scores a goal. We can't say that sports are about fun and teamwork and then push kids to be the one to score the goal. Kids who play sports say the worst part is the ride home in the car when parents inevitably comment on how they can improve their playing. Let the coach play that role. Your role as the parent is to enjoy your child's playing, so that she can find joy in it.
Instead of:
"You're so smart!"
Try:
"You just kept trying, and you figured it out!"
Why? Because kids who are told they're smart think that if they have to work at something, it means they aren't so smart after all. You want him to understand that the brain is like a muscle that that he can grow. Once he realizes that if he keeps working at something, he can figure it out, he has the confidence to learn and master anything.
Instead of:
"I'm so proud of you!"
Try:
"You must be so proud of yourself!"
Why? Because if he's to take pride in his accomplishments, he needs to be the judge and the source of the pride. You don't want his self-esteem dependent on other people's feedback, even yours.
Instead of:
"Good job!"
Try:
"You did it!" or "Wow! Look at you up there!"
He needs to know you noticed that he did it, and maybe that you're impressed, if you are. But you're mirroring his excitement, not telling him what to feel. Leave the evaluation of whether it's "good" to him.
Does that mean you can't influence your child by telling her that you like what she's doing? Of course not! Children need to know that their contributions are valued. The danger is when our child gets the message that she's only good enough if she does things our way.
Instead of:
"Big girls help Mommy."
Try:
"When you help me like this, we get done so quickly--I love it! Thank you."
Why? You're teaching your child how to have a relationship with another person. She needs to know -- without guilt trips -- that what she does has an effect on the other person, so she can choose her actions. It isn't about evaluating her as a human being.
Remember that non-specific praise backfires.
Instead of:
"You're such an angel today."
Try:
"I'm having such a good time singing with you today. I love it when we have so much fun together."
Why? Your child knows she isn't a little angel, she's a fallible human being -- and if you forget that, she'll need to show you by acting out in the worst way she can think of. Just too much pressure!
There is one kind of general positive feedback that always works, because it's feedback about you:
Instead of:
"You're a good boy."
Try:
"I am so happy I get to be your mom. I love you so much, no matter what!"
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Saturday, April 26, 2014
Your baby loves to hear your voice: from Kids Health
Original post: http://m.kidshealth.org/parent/growth/communication/c13m.html?tracking=M_P_RelatedArticle&m=y
Your baby loves to hear your voice, so talk, babble, sing, and coo away during these first few months. Respond enthusiastically to your baby's sounds and smiles. Tell your baby what he or she is looking at or doing and what you are doing. Name familiar objects as you touch them or bring them to your baby.
Take special advantage of your baby's own "talking" to have a "conversation." If you hear your baby make a sound, repeat it and wait for him or her to make another. You are teaching your baby valuable lessons about tone, pacing, and taking turns when talking to someone else.
You are also sending the message that your baby is important enough to listen to. Don't interrupt or look away when your baby's "talking" — show you're interested and that your little one can trust you.
This is an exciting time for parents — babies this age make real progress toward communicating. During this period you will be able to engage your baby in two-way "conversations" — exchanging smiles and oohs and aahs.
Your baby's personality begins to become evident as he or she becomes a more active and alert member of your family.
How Babies Communicate
Crying continues to be a baby's primary means of communication for many months. Aside from letting parents know that they need something, they might cry when overwhelmed by all of the sights and sounds of the world.
Sometimes babies may cry for no apparent reason. As long as your baby is not sick or hurt, try not to get too upset if your baby cries and you aren't able to console him or her.
Your baby will respond to the sound of your voice by becoming quiet, smiling, or getting excited and moving his or her arms and legs. Babies this age begin smiling regularly at mom and dad, but may need some time to warm up to familiar people, like grandparents. Your baby probably won't smile and act friendly with strangers.
Babies now discover their ability to vocalize: Soon you'll have a cooing and gurgling machine! Some babies begin to make some vowel sounds, like "ah-ah" or "ooh-ooh," at about 2 months.
Your baby will "talk" to you with a variety of sounds; your baby will also smile at you and wait for your response, and respond to your smiles with his or her own. Your baby's arms and legs will move, and his or her hands will open up. Your baby may even mimic your facial expressions.
What Should I Do?
Your baby loves to hear your voice, so talk, babble, sing, and coo away during these first few months. Respond enthusiastically to your baby's sounds and smiles. Tell your baby what he or she is looking at or doing and what you are doing. Name familiar objects as you touch them or bring them to your baby.
Take special advantage of your baby's own "talking" to have a "conversation." If you hear your baby make a sound, repeat it and wait for him or her to make another. You are teaching your baby valuable lessons about tone, pacing, and taking turns when talking to someone else.
You are also sending the message that your baby is important enough to listen to. Don't interrupt or look away when your baby's "talking" — show you're interested and that your little one can trust you.
Babies this age seem to respond best to the female voice — the one historically associated with comfort and food. That's why most people will raise the pitch of their voices and exaggerate their speech when talking to babies. This is fine — studies have shown that "baby talk" doesn't delay the development of speech — but mix in some regular adult words and tone. It may seem early, but you're setting the stage for your baby's first word.
Sometimes babies aren't in the mood to talk or vocalize — even babies need their space and a break from all the stimulation in the world. Babies might turn away, closes their eyes, or becomes fussy or irritable. If this happens, let your little one be, or just try cuddling.
There might be times when you've met all of your baby's needs, yet he or she continues to cry. Don't despair — your baby may be overly stimulated, have gastric distress, or may have too much energy and need a good cry.
It's common for babies to have a fussy period about the same time every day, generally between early evening and midnight. Though all babies cry and show some fussiness, when an infant who is otherwise healthy cries for more than 3 hours per day, more than 3 days per week for at least 3 weeks, it is a condition known as colic. This can be upsetting, but the good news is that it's short-lived — most babies outgrow it at around 3 months of age.
Try to soothe your baby. Some babies are comforted by motion, such as rocking or being walked back and forth across the room, while others respond to sounds, like soft music or the hum of a vacuum cleaner. It may take some time to find out what best comforts your baby during these stressful periods.
If You're Concerned
Talk to your doctor if your baby seems to cry for an unusual length of time or if the cries sound odd to you. Your doctor will be able to reassure you or look for a medical reason for your baby's distress. Chances are there is nothing wrong, and knowing this can help you relax and stay calm when your baby is upset.
Babies usually reach these communication milestones during this period:
pay attention to faces and surroundings
smile at the sound of a parent's voice
smiles with social contact
coos and may start to babble
imitates some sounds and facial expressions
Keep in mind that babies communicate at different rates, just as they mature physically at different rates. There is usually no cause for concern, but talk to your doctor if your baby misses any of these milestones.
Reviewed by: Mary L. Gavin, MD
Date reviewed: October 2011
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Don't Help Your Kids With Their Homework
http://m.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/04/and-dont-help-your-kids-with-their-homework/358636/
Don't Help Your Kids With Their Homework
written by Dana Goldstein http://m.theatlantic.com/dana-goldstein/And other insights from a ground- breaking study of how parents impact children’s academic achievement
One of the central tenets of raising kids in America is that parents should be actively involved in their children’s education: meeting with teachers, volunteering at school, helping with homework, and doing a hundred other things that few working parents have time for. These obligations are so baked into American values that few parents stop to ask whether they’re worth the effort.
Until this January, few researchers did, either. In the largest-ever study of how parental involvement affects academic achievement, Keith Robinson, a sociology professor at the University of Texas at Austin, and Angel L. Harris, a sociology professor at Duke, mostly found that it doesn’t. The researchers combed through nearly three decades’ worth of longitudinal surveys of American parents and tracked 63 different measures of parental participation in kids’ academic lives, from helping them with homework, to talking with them about college plans, to volunteering at their schools. In an attempt to show whether the kids of more-involved parents improved over time, the researchers indexed these measures to children’s academic performance, including test scores in reading and math.
What they found surprised them. Most measurable forms of parental involvement seem to yield few academic dividends for kids, or even to backfire—regardless of a parent’s race, class, or level of education.
Do you review your daughter’s homework every night? Robinson and Harris’s data, published in The Broken Compass: Parental Involvement With Children’s Education, show that this won’t help her score higher on standardized tests. Once kids enter middle school, parental help with homework can actually bring test scores down, an effect Robinson says could be caused by the fact that many parents may have forgotten, or never truly understood, the material their children learn in school.
Similarly, students whose parents frequently meet with teachers and principals don’t seem to improve faster than academically comparable peers whose parents are less present at school. Other essentially useless parenting interventions: observing a kid’s class; helping a teenager choose high-school courses; and, especially, disciplinary measures such as punishing kids for getting bad grades or instituting strict rules about when and how homework gets done. This kind of meddling could leave children more anxious than enthusiastic about school, Robinson speculates. “Ask them ‘Do you want to see me volunteering more? Going to school social functions? Is it helpful if I help you with homework?’ ” he told me. “We think about informing parents and schools what they need to do, but too often we leave the child out of the conversation.”
One of the reasons parental involvement in schools has become dogma is that the government actively incentivizes it. Since the late 1960s, the federal government has spent hundreds of millions of dollars on programs that seek to engage parents—especially low-income parents—with their children’s schools. In 2001, No Child Left Behind required schools to establish parent committees and communicate with parents in their native languages. The theory was that more active and invested mothers and fathers could help close the test-score gap between middle-class and poor students. Yet until the new study, nobody had used the available data to test the assumption that close relationships between parents and schools improve student achievement.
While Robinson and Harris largely disproved that assumption, they did find a handful of habits that make a difference, such as reading aloud to young kids (fewer than half of whom are read to daily) and talking with teenagers about college plans. But these interventions don’t take place at school or in the presence of teachers, where policy makers exert the most influence—they take place at home.
What’s more, although conventional wisdom holds that poor children do badly in school because their parents don’t care about education, the opposite is true. Across race, class, and education level, the vast majority of American parents report that they speak with their kids about the importance of good grades and hope that they will attend college. Asian American kids may perform inordinately well on tests, for example, but their parents are not much more involved at school than Hispanic parents are—not surprising, given that both groups experience language barriers. So why are some parents more effective at helping their children translate these shared values into achievement?
Robinson and Harris posit that greater financial and educational resources allow some parents to embed their children in neighborhoods and social settings in which they meet many college-educated adults with interesting careers. Upper-middle-class kids aren’t just told a good education will help them succeed in life. They are surrounded by family and friends who work as doctors, lawyers, and engineers and who reminisce about their college years around the dinner table. Asian parents are an interesting exception; even when they are poor and unable to provide these types of social settings, they seem to be able to communicate the value and appeal of education in a similarly effective manner.
As part of his research, Robinson conducted informal focus groups with his undergraduate statistics students at the University of Texas, asking them about how their parents contributed to their achievements. He found that most had few or no memories of their parents pushing or prodding them or getting involved at school in formal ways. Instead, students described mothers and fathers who set high expectations and then stepped back. “These kids made it!,” Robinson told me. “You’d expect they’d have the type of parental involvement we’re promoting at the national level. But they hardly had any of that. It really blew me away.”
Robinson and Harris’s findings add to what we know from previous research by the sociologist Annette Lareau, who observed conversations in homes between parents and kids during the 1990s. Lareau found that in poor and working-class households, children were urged to stay quiet and show deference to adult authority figures such as teachers. In middle-class households, kids learned to ask critical questions and to advocate for themselves—behaviors that served them well in the classroom.
Robinson and Harris chose not to address a few potentially powerful types of parental involvement, from hiring tutors or therapists for kids who are struggling, to opening college savings accounts. And there’s the fact that, regardless of socioeconomic status, some parents go to great lengths to seek out effective schools for their children, while others accept the status quo at the school around the corner.
Although Robinson and Harris didn’t look at school choice, they did find that one of the few ways parents can improve their kids’ academic performance—by as much as eight points on a reading or math test—is by getting them placed in the classroom of a teacher with a good reputation. This is one example for which race did seem to matter: white parents are at least twice as likely as black and Latino parents to request a specific teacher. Given that the best teachers have been shown to raise students’ lifetime earnings and to decrease the likelihood of teen pregnancy, this is no small intervention.
All in all, these findings should relieve anxious parents struggling to make time to volunteer at the PTA bake sale. But valuing parental involvement via test scores alone misses one of the ways in which parents most impact schools. Pesky parents are often effective, especially in public schools, at securing better textbooks, new playgrounds, and all the “extras” that make an educational community come to life, like art, music, theater, and after-school clubs. This kind of parental engagement may not directly affect test scores, but it can make school a more positive place for all kids, regardless of what their parents do or don’t do at home. Getting involved in your children’s schools is not just a way to give them a leg up—it could also be good citizenship.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
More Effective Than Time-Out: Time-In
http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/How_To_Transform_Your_Time-Outs_To_Time-Ins
More Effective Than Time-Out: Time-In by Dr. Laura Markham http://www.ahaparenting.com/about
"I can hear those readers unfamiliar with positive discipline saying: “How can you reward bad behavior? You’ve got to be kidding!” I understand your reaction because I had the same one. I changed my mind when I tried it and saw that it consistently decreases unacceptable behavior and helps prevent the child from repeating the same problems. My experience is that kids learn more about self-control using the Comfort Corner than they would after 100 Time Outs." - Peter Haiman, Ph.D.
Do you use Time-Outs? They’re certainly better than spanking to show your child you’re serious about whatever limit you’re setting. But time-outs aren’t the best way to help kids want to cooperate, or even to help them calm down. Why?
1. Time-Outs don’t teach children to regulate their emotions. You’re giving your child the message that his emotions are unacceptable in your presence – and that he’s all alone to learn to manage them. That means he'll stuff his emotions, which puts them out of conscious control. So they pop out later--uncontrolled--and he repeats the bad behavior.
2. Time-Outs put kids on the defensive, so real remorse is less likely. No child sits in time out reviewing her mistakes and vowing to do better. She sits in timeout reviewing how she's misunderstood and it's all someone else's fault.
3. Time-Outs create power struggles. Most kids don’t go to time-out and sit for the allotted time without threats. Those power struggles infect the rest of your relationship.
4. Time-Outs only work while you can still intimidate or drag your child. Meanwhile, you’re missing the opportunity to help your child want to cooperate, and creating a habit of opposition. By the time he's six, you're out of discipline options.
5. Time-Outs shame kids and make them feel like they’re bad people who must be punished. Research has clearly established that children live up--or down--to our expectations.
6. Your child concludes that you’re not on her side. The result? She’s less likely to WANT to cooperate with you and more likely to misbehave.
7. Timeouts don't teach problem solving or repair. What you want is to teach your child to recognize his mistake and make things better, whether that’s cleaning up a mess or patching up a relationship.
Luckily, you don’t need to use time-outs. There’s an alternative—Time-In!
Here’s how it works. Your child is acting cranky and belligerent. If possible, you intervene then, BEFORE she escalates. But you're busy, and you just keep hoping you can jolly her along. Finally, she throws her cup across the room. Should you send her to Time-Out? No.
Instead, you realize that this behavior is a red flag and take pre-emptive action to help her. If she could articulate what’s going on, she might say “Hey, Mom, Dad, I’m having a really hard time here. I woke up feeling grumpy. You ran out of my favorite cereal. You rushed me off to preschool, and it took a lot for me sit quietly so much of the day and follow directions. My friend told me I couldn’t come to her birthday party if I didn’t play the game her way. And then I finally get home and dinner isn’t even ready yet and that little brother you think is so cute is always on your lap, while you tell me to wait just a minute! I wonder if anyone around here even cares about me at all! Maybe you got a replacement because I’m just not good enough for you!”
Of course, she can’t say that. So she acts it out with her difficult behavior. Your child has been stuffing down fears and tears all day long, waiting for a safe chance to let them out. Now all those emotions are coming up, so she’s “acting (the feelings) out.”
But you realize that what she really needs is to feel loved and connected, and maybe a chance to get all those tears and fears off her chest. So you summon up all your compassion. You remind yourself that she is a little person whose behavior is a cry for help.
You say “Cups aren’t for throwing. You’re having a hard time, aren’t you, Sweetie? Let’s go to our comfort spot and snuggle for a bit.”
You go to a specially designated spot that feels safe and cozy, and snuggle up. You connect, which may be all your child needs to pull herself together. Most children need this re-connection time daily, if they've been away from you.
After the warm physical connection, you get her giggling if you can, because laughter evaporates those stored-up anxieties almost as well as tears.
If none of that is quite enough, your child will let you know by escalating her whining and belligerence. That means she still needs to cry, and she’s trying to pick a fight with you so she can move into tears. So at that point, you calmly, kindly, set a limit: “You’re tearing the book pages, Sweetie…Books are precious, we don’t tear them…I see you’re upset…We’re going to put the book away for now.” You put the book out of reach, and she bursts into tears.
Remind yourself that emotions aren’t bad, they’re just part of being human. Hold her if you can, or stay close. You don’t have to DO anything; your job is simply to create safety so she can feel all these emotions in your warm presence, which is what lets them go.
What if she doesn't cry, but gets angry? She's fending off those tears. Your job is to stay calm so she feels safe, and can work through her upset. Ratchet up your compassion to create more safety.
If she yells “Don’t look at me” then respect that. She's trying to disconnect a little, because in the safety of your love those emotions come up so strongly. (That's the body healing itself.)
If she yells, “Go away!” you can say “I will move back a bit, just to here…I won’t leave you alone with these big scary feelings....I'm here when you need a hug.” Use your voice as a bridge to tell her she’s safe, you’re right there. Don’t talk much. Don’t ask her what’s wrong. Don’t take anything she says personally. Talking forces kids into their heads. Let her stay in her heart and unburden her tears and fears.
Soon, the storm will pass. Your child will be in your arms, hugging you and wanting to know that she’s still loved. She’ll feel so grateful that you were there for her and so connected to you. You’ll see that by her sunny, cooperative attitude for the rest of the evening. She’ll even be ready to clean up the cup she threw and wash off the wall.
Wondering if you should punish her now, so she’ll learn not to throw the cup? Completely unnecessary, and in fact it would backfire. She’s already learned that she doesn’t want to throw the cup next time, and some other crucial lessons:
Emotions may feel overwhelming, but once I let myself feel them, they pass away, and then the sun comes out again. (Becoming comfortable with her emotions means she doesn't need to stuff them, so she can actually start to control those impulses, and therefore, her behavior.)
My parents love and accept me just as I am, including when I’m feeling difficult emotions. (Feeling “good enough exactly as I am” is the foundation of self-esteem.)
When I'm upset, I feel an urgent need to act, but I don't have to. It’s good to take a few minutes to sit with it....that makes the feelings go away, so I can choose to act differently and have a better day. (She’s learning skills to regulate her emotions, and therefore her behavior.)
My parents are on my side. I don’t actually need to throw my cup, even when I’m really upset. My parents are always ready to listen and help me. (Strengthening the trust in the parent-child partnership so the child WANTS to cooperate.)
After I calm down, I can always figure out a way to make things better. (That's the first step in accepting that nobody’s perfect, but we can always admit, and repair, our mistakes.)
Time-in is not a punishment. It’s a way of meeting your child's needs so he doesn't have to act out. Specifically, you're giving him the connection that's essential so he can regulate himself. And you're helping him process his big emotions, so he’s ready to problem-solve and repair.
Try it for a month. You’ll be so pleased with the results, you’ll never go back to time-outs again.
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