http://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/11/let-your-kids-be-mad-at-you/
Let Your Kids Be Mad At You
Lonely walking lance
I always write my posts from personal experience, though I am rarely the protagonist. This story is especially personal and, honestly, it feels a bit risky to share, but it’s important, so I’m taking the plunge…
I had the perfect mom. We adored each other and had a wonderful relationship right up until her death four and a half years ago. She loved to laugh and make others laugh, and everyone who knew her relished her company — her children and grandchildren most of all. She was perpetually and reliably loving and supportive. I always felt she was in my corner and my biggest fan.
My mom had only one major flaw: she talked on the phone. How could she ignore us for those ten or fifteen minutes? Oh, and occasionally she went to the bathroom and closed the door (the nerve!). But otherwise my mom was absolutely, incredibly perfect, and I will always, always think so.
Then there was me. I remember a mostly happy childhood, yet it was evident early on that I lacked confidence. Even though I had lot going for me on the outside, I don’t ever remember feeling entirely comfortable in my own skin, the way the children I work with and my own children clearly do.
In my late teens, as my public career began to flourish, my insecurities really took root. Part of my job as an actress was appearing forever cheerful and ‘on’ at parties, publicity events and on the set, all of which I managed relatively gracefully. Deep down, though, I was dying. It was the 80’s, so of course I did my share of drinking and drugging, which had the effect of helping me to feel some false confidence and a comfort that I’d never really experienced before.
I’ll fast-forward through the details, but suffice it to say that at 25 I was an emotional time bomb. When I finally slowed down enough take stock and face my demons, I was flooded by the feelings I’d been avoiding and stuffing away all those years. I wasn’t prepared for the accompanying anxiety, or especially the self-loathing and depression, never mind the panic attacks. I was a mess, and for a long time I cried from morning ‘til night. I cried a river… and I actually think this is what helped to heal me.
After a few years of very intense work on myself, I slowly, slowly began the process of self-forgiveness and acceptance.
But what was so wrong with me?
This whole experience seems especially bizarre to me now that I have a 21 year old who could not be more different than I was at her age. Like my other two children, she is grounded, secure, capable and self-confident.
So again, what was the matter with me?
I got an inkling several years later, and this brings me back to my mother. By then I was happily married with two kids. I was having my daily phone conversation with my mom when she made a comment (in jest, I’m sure) that I objected to a bit. There was an old joke in my family that I was useless in the kitchen. This was certainly based on fact, had been true for most of my life, and I had always happily played along with it.
But since becoming a mom I’d changed a lot. I’d become the responsible person I needed to be. I’d figured out how to cook for myself and my family. I didn’t feel that I deserved the label “pathetic-in-the-kitchen” anymore.
So, although I’m certain I didn’t even raise my voice (because I had never raised my voice to my mother so long as I can remember), my feelings were hurt, and I got a little defensive. I objected to her comment.
She hung up on me. I called her back, but she didn’t respond. I tried again…and again. I left messages. But she wouldn’t speak to me. It took five days, and for those five days my anxiety was through the roof. I couldn’t breathe. I was in a constant state of panic. And strangely, deep within me I knew this place…it was familiar. I don’t remember when or how, but I knew I’d felt this terror before.
Eventually my mom took my call…and neither of us ever mentioned what had happened. I was so grateful and relieved to be breathing again that I would not have dreamed of saying anything that might drive my mother away from me.
My dear mom had never laid a hand on me. Never punished me. Never yelled at me. But she clearly could not handle my feelings. The result was I felt innately bad and wrong for ever having them.
So I’ve made a special effort to accept all my children’s emotions, especially their anger…to let them know that it’s always okay for them to be mad at me. I’m not going anywhere.
I’ve been far from perfect, but the good news is that with kids, we do get points for trying, especially if we confront and repair our mistakes. “I’m sorry I lost my patience.”
We are human, and our kids are incredibly forgiving.
***
This story is included in my new book:
Elevating Child Care: A Guide to Respectful Parenting
(Photo by Lance Shields on Flickr)
Share and Enjoy
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
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64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
- You are loved
- You make me smile
- I think about you when we’re apart.
- My world is better with you in it.
- I will do my best to keep you safe.
- Sometimes I will say no.
- I have faith in you.
- I know you can handle it.
- You are creative.
- Trust your instincts.
- Your ideas are worthwhile.
- You are capable.
- You are deserving.
- You are strong.
- You can say no.
- Your choices matter.
- You make a difference.
- Your words are powerful.
- Your actions are powerful.
- Your emotions may be powerful.
- And you can still choose your actions.
- You are more than your emotions.
- You are a good friend.
- You are kind.
- You don’t have to like what someone is saying in order to treat them with respect.
- Someone else’s poor behavior is not an excuse for your own.
- You are imperfect.
- So am I.
- You can change your mind.
- You can learn from your mistakes.
- You can ask for help.
- You are learning.
- You are growing.
- Growing is hard work.
- I believe you.
- I believe in you.
- You are valuable.
- You are interesting.
- You are beautiful.
- When you make a mistake you are still beautiful.
- Your body is your own.
- You have say over your body.
- You are important.
- Your ideas matter.
- You are able to do work that matters.
- I see you working and learning every day.
- You make a difference in my life.
- I am curious what you think.
- How did you do that?
- Your ideas are interesting.
- You’ve made me think of things in a completely new way.
- I’m excited to see what you do.
- Thanks for helping me.
- Thank you for contributing to our family.
- I enjoy your company.
- It’s fun to do things with you.
- I’m glad you’re here.
- I’m happy to talk with you.
- I’m ready to listen.
- I’m listening.
- I’m proud of you.
- I’m grateful you’re in my life.
- You make me smile.
- I love you.
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
25 Alternatives to “Good Job”
http://picklebums.com/2014/07/10/25-alternatives-good-job/
Say thank you when you mean it – explain why you are grateful for your child’s actions.
Extend and encourage – extend learning and encourage conversation by asking questions about what you see while also recognising their efforts.
Put feelings into words – explain how something makes you feel, help your kids notice how their actions make others feel and acknowledge your children’s own feelings.
Say nothing – we don’t need to praise every little action, or fill every space with noise. It is enough to sit back and watch our children’s delight in their own achievements
Say thank you when you mean it – explain why you are grateful for your child’s actions.
- Thank you for helping with…
- It makes mornings/dinner/outings easier when you…. thank you
- I really appreciate it when you…
- Thank you for doing that… it means I/we can now…
- We did it together.
- Wow! You made a building/drawing/etc.
- You did it on your own.
- You did x and then y and worked it out.
- You used lots of red paint/blocks/tape/etc.
- You made it really big/small/colourful/complicated/etc.
- That took you a long time, and you did it!
Extend and encourage – extend learning and encourage conversation by asking questions about what you see while also recognising their efforts.
- How did you do that?
- You did X, what will you do now?
- Can you tell me about it?
- What is your favourite part?
- How did you think of that?
Put feelings into words – explain how something makes you feel, help your kids notice how their actions make others feel and acknowledge your children’s own feelings.
- I really enjoy doing this with you.
- I love watching you create/help your sister/play soccer/ etc.
- I’m so proud to be your mum, every day, no matter what.
- Look how happy your friend is when you share/help/smile/etc.
- You kept going, even when it was hard.
- You look so pleased to have done that!
- You made X feel so pleased when you did that.
- It makes you feel good when you do X.
Say nothing – we don’t need to praise every little action, or fill every space with noise. It is enough to sit back and watch our children’s delight in their own achievements
- Say nothing – just smile.
Parenting Affirmations
http://pickanytwo.net/affirmations-for-moms/
20 One-Line Affirmations for Moms
1. If I do nothing today besides hug my kids, then I’ve done enough.2. I’m not the perfect mother, but I’m exactly the one my children need. Tweet this!
3. Today I will see the best in my child and the best in myself.
4. The decisions made by other moms do not need to dictate mine.
5. I have been called to motherhood—the most powerful calling in the world.
6. I respect my children; I respect myself.
7. Being a good mom takes courage, and today I’m feeling brave.
8. My mothering body is beautiful.
9. Today I will be the type of person I would like my children to become.
10. There’s value in showing my kids my vulnerability.
11. Not loving every moment of motherhood doesn’t mean I don’t love being a mom.
12. I will teach my child by example more so than by advice.
13. There is no such thing as “just a mom.” Tweet this!
14. I accept my children just as they are.
15. I love my kids even when I don’t particularly like them.
16. Today I will be an intentional parent.
17. I am a blessing to my family.
18. As I teach my kids today, I’ll also be open to the lessons they can teach me.
19. I’m grateful for my life as a mom.
20. I love my kids, which means I’m doing just fine.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
100 Ways to be Kind to Your Child by by Alissa Marquess on September 23, 2013
http://creativewithkids.com/100-ways-to-be-kind-to-your-child/
11. The story of their birth or adoption.
12. About how you cuddled them when they were a baby.
13. The story of their name.
14. A story about yourself when you were their age.
15. The story of how their grandparents met.
16. What your favorite color is.
17. That sometimes you struggle too.
18. That when you’re holding hands and you give three squeezes, it’s a secret code that means, “I love you”.
19. What the plan is.
20. What you’re doing right now.
Play:
21. Charades
22. Hop Scotch
23. Board Games
24. Hide & Seek
25. Simon Says
26. Twenty Questions
27. I Spy on long car rides
28. Catch
35. To get enough sleep.
36. To drink enough water.
37. To eat decent food.
38. Dressing in a way that makes you feel confident and comfortable.
39. Calling a friend the next time you feel like you are about to lose it with the kids.
40. Giving a gentle touch to show approval.
41. Dancing in the kitchen.
42. To get your kids to bop to the music with you in the car.
43. Showing your kids that you can do a somersault or handstand or a cartwheel.
44. Keeping the sigh to yourself.
45. Using a kind voice, even if you have to fake it.
100 Ways to be Kind to Your Child
Tell your child:
1. I love you.
2. I love you no matter what.
3. I love you even when you are angry at me.
4. I love you even when I am angry with you.
5. I love you when you are far way. My love for you can reach you wherever you are.
6. If I could pick any 4 year old (5 year old, 6 year old…) in the whole wide world, I’d pick you.
7. I love you to the moon and then around the stars and back again.
8. Thank you.
9. I enjoyed playing with you today.
10. My favorite part of the day was when I was with you and we _______.
Share:2. I love you no matter what.
3. I love you even when you are angry at me.
4. I love you even when I am angry with you.
5. I love you when you are far way. My love for you can reach you wherever you are.
6. If I could pick any 4 year old (5 year old, 6 year old…) in the whole wide world, I’d pick you.
7. I love you to the moon and then around the stars and back again.
8. Thank you.
9. I enjoyed playing with you today.
10. My favorite part of the day was when I was with you and we _______.
11. The story of their birth or adoption.
12. About how you cuddled them when they were a baby.
13. The story of their name.
14. A story about yourself when you were their age.
15. The story of how their grandparents met.
16. What your favorite color is.
17. That sometimes you struggle too.
18. That when you’re holding hands and you give three squeezes, it’s a secret code that means, “I love you”.
19. What the plan is.
20. What you’re doing right now.
Play:
21. Charades
22. Hop Scotch
23. Board Games
24. Hide & Seek
25. Simon Says
26. Twenty Questions
27. I Spy on long car rides
28. Catch
Pretend:
29. To catch their kiss and put it on your cheek.
30. That their tickle tank is empty and you have to fill it.
31. That their high five is so powerful it nearly knocks you over.
32. That you are super ticklish.
33. That you are explorers in the amazing world of your own backyard.
34. That it’s party day!
Try:29. To catch their kiss and put it on your cheek.
30. That their tickle tank is empty and you have to fill it.
31. That their high five is so powerful it nearly knocks you over.
32. That you are super ticklish.
33. That you are explorers in the amazing world of your own backyard.
34. That it’s party day!
35. To get enough sleep.
36. To drink enough water.
37. To eat decent food.
38. Dressing in a way that makes you feel confident and comfortable.
39. Calling a friend the next time you feel like you are about to lose it with the kids.
40. Giving a gentle touch to show approval.
41. Dancing in the kitchen.
42. To get your kids to bop to the music with you in the car.
43. Showing your kids that you can do a somersault or handstand or a cartwheel.
44. Keeping the sigh to yourself.
45. Using a kind voice, even if you have to fake it.
Read:
46. A book of silly poems.
47. A story and then act out the plot.
48. Your favorite childhood book to them.
49. When the afternoon is starting to go astray.
50. Outside under a tree.
51. In the library kids corner.
52. The comic book they love that you’re not so hot on.
53. About age appropriate behavior so you can keep your expectations realistic.
46. A book of silly poems.
47. A story and then act out the plot.
48. Your favorite childhood book to them.
49. When the afternoon is starting to go astray.
50. Outside under a tree.
51. In the library kids corner.
52. The comic book they love that you’re not so hot on.
53. About age appropriate behavior so you can keep your expectations realistic.
Listen:
54. To your child in the car.
55. To silly songs together.
56. For that question that means your child really needs your input.
57. One second longer than you think you have patience for.
58. For the feelings behind your child’s words.
54. To your child in the car.
55. To silly songs together.
56. For that question that means your child really needs your input.
57. One second longer than you think you have patience for.
58. For the feelings behind your child’s words.
Ask:
59. Why do you think that happens?
60. What do you think would happen if______?
61. How shall we find out?
62. What are you thinking about?
63. What was your favorite part of the day?
64. What do you think this tastes like?
59. Why do you think that happens?
60. What do you think would happen if______?
61. How shall we find out?
62. What are you thinking about?
63. What was your favorite part of the day?
64. What do you think this tastes like?
Show:
65. Your child how to do something instead of banning them from it.
66. How to whistle with a blade of grass.
67. How to shuffle cards- make a bridge if you can!
68. How to cut food.
69. How to fold laundry.
70. How to look up information when you don’t know the answer.
71. Affection to your spouse.
72. That taking care of yourself is important.
65. Your child how to do something instead of banning them from it.
66. How to whistle with a blade of grass.
67. How to shuffle cards- make a bridge if you can!
68. How to cut food.
69. How to fold laundry.
70. How to look up information when you don’t know the answer.
71. Affection to your spouse.
72. That taking care of yourself is important.
Take Time:
73. To watch construction sites.
74. To look at the birds.
75. To let your child pour ingredients into the bowl.
76. To walk places together.
77. To dig in the dirt together.
78. To do a task at your child’s pace.
79. To just sit with your child while they play.
73. To watch construction sites.
74. To look at the birds.
75. To let your child pour ingredients into the bowl.
76. To walk places together.
77. To dig in the dirt together.
78. To do a task at your child’s pace.
79. To just sit with your child while they play.
Trust:
80. That your child is capable.
81. That you are the right parent for your child.
82. That you are enough.
83. That you can do what is right for your family.
80. That your child is capable.
81. That you are the right parent for your child.
82. That you are enough.
83. That you can do what is right for your family.
Delight:
84. Clean your child’s room as a surprise.
85. Put chocolate chips in the pancakes.
86. Put a love note in their lunch.
87. Make their snack into a smiley face shape.
88. Make sound effects while you help them do something.
89. Sit on the floor with them to play.
84. Clean your child’s room as a surprise.
85. Put chocolate chips in the pancakes.
86. Put a love note in their lunch.
87. Make their snack into a smiley face shape.
88. Make sound effects while you help them do something.
89. Sit on the floor with them to play.
Let Go:
90. Of the guilt.
91. Of how you thought it was going to be.
92. Of your need to be right.
90. Of the guilt.
91. Of how you thought it was going to be.
92. Of your need to be right.
Give:
93. A kind look.
94. A smile when your child walks into the room.
95. A kind touch back when your child touches you.
96. The chance to connect before you correct so that your child can actually hear your words.
97. Your child a chance to work out their frustrations before helping them.
98. A bath when the day feels long.
99. A hug.
100. You get to choose the next one! What is your favorite way to be kind to your child?
93. A kind look.
94. A smile when your child walks into the room.
95. A kind touch back when your child touches you.
96. The chance to connect before you correct so that your child can actually hear your words.
97. Your child a chance to work out their frustrations before helping them.
98. A bath when the day feels long.
99. A hug.
100. You get to choose the next one! What is your favorite way to be kind to your child?
Monday, October 6, 2014
15 Tips for Raising Kids with a Positive Body Image September 23, 2012 by Paige Lucas-Stannard
- Never use the word fat in a derogatory way. Avoid media that does.
- Never imply that you can’t do something or wear something because of your size (“oh, not with these thighs!”)
- Never compliment others based on size (how many times is “you look so thin!” the ultimate compliment?)
- Point out the beauty of diversity in people and nature – nurture the idea that beauty is diversity. I love to say “what would the word be if all the flowers looked the same?”
- Avoid making physical activity about size or based on what you ate (“I have to jog off that cake”). Physical activity should be joyful.
- Do not label foods as “good” and “bad”
- Offer a variety of foods and model moderate indulgence and a wide consumption of foods. Eating should be joyful.
- Don’t make your kids eat if they say they aren’t hungry1. The refrain “finish your dinner!” should be stricken from the mommy lexicon. Better to let them trust their bodies than feel guilt about wasting food.
- Don’t deny your kids food if they say they are hungry. Another area where we often ignore our kids opinions and feelings. Try to make your pantry a “yes” pantry with a variety of healthy options that your kids can eat when they want.
- Never comment on the amount (too little or too much) that your kids eat.
- NEVER use food as a reward, incentive, or punishment! (this is SO abused among parents!!)
- Guard your children against negative body-image media – stop your subscriptions to women’s mags, don’t watch Biggest Loser, Toddler and Tiaras (focusing on appearance), and any variety of shows promoting appearance as a route to happiness.
- Avoid talking about a nutrionalist approach to food – disassembling “food” into fat, carbs, calories, and other things that need to be obsessed about and counted (difficult since it is explicitly taught in many schools).
- Encourage alternative means of self-esteem besides appearance – spirituality, values, empathy, effort, etc.
- Volunteer! It is much harder to think of something so superficial as size in the face of true plight.
http://everydayfeminism.com/2012/09/raising-kids-with-a-positive-body-image/?utm_content=buffer3c74e&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
9 Tips to Get a Breastfed Baby to Take a Bottle
9 Tips to Get a Breastfed Baby to Take a Bottle
by Jeanne Sager January 9 at 1:18 PM
By now I think every mom knows the benefits of breastfeeding.
But there's one hardcore drawback, isn't there? Breastfeeding baby
means always being around baby, which ... well, can't always happen! So
what's a mom to do when she has her best friend's wedding coming up or
she's facing the dreaded end of maternity leave? Teach baby to use a bottle, of course.Only any breastfeeding mom who has tried to introduce the bottle knows this is easier said than done. Some babies just do not WANT to take the bottle, and when baby ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
But have no fear ... help is on the way.
The Stir asked real moms who have made it past the battle over bottle to share how they managed to get their little nurser to take something other than her nipple:
1. Invest in Good Nipples -- If you've never bottlefed a baby, chances are you're going to walk into the nipple aisle of the local store and be absolutely confused by the sea of choices! If your baby is still in the newborn stage, look for a slow-flow nipple, which will release the food more slowly (not gush into baby's mouth and overwhelm them). There are also nipples out there that claim to be more like a woman's breast. There's no guarantee that they'll work any better than a regular one, but some moms we asked swear by them, so it's not a bad idea to pick up one of each the first time out.
2. Pump Your Breast Milk -- By the time a baby is 3 or 4 weeks old, your supply is usually good enough to allow you to do at least one pumping to make baby's first bottle. It will be a lot easier to introduce the foreign rubber nipple to baby if the taste of what comes out of it is familiar! If you're going to be using formula, that will come later!
3. Enlist a Helper -- Babies who are breastfed come to mom expecting to be put to the breast and may become increasingly frustrated when that boobie doesn't appear. A dad, grandma, or family friend will likely have a lot more success getting baby to eat from a bottle. Your best bet -- after Dad -- is to try to find someone who has bottlefed a baby before. It might also be necessary for Mom to leave the room entirely.
4. Hold Baby Differently Than You Do While Nursing -- Breastfeeding moms all have different styles of holding baby to nurse -- from the cradle hold to the football hold and so on. But if you're cradling baby as always, they'll be expecting the breast. Try holding them in a different way, preferably propped up so they can easily drink from the bottle.
5. Express Some Milk -- Baby might be confused by the feel of that rubber nipple, but several moms told us that their baby finally responded to the bottle after they'd squeezed out the breast milk onto the nipple, so they got the taste right away. This prompted them to start sucking and voila.
6. Try a Spoon -- Sounds strange, but one mom told us this helped big time in making the transition. It was a last resort after several attempts to get the baby to take a bottle, and it worked! She propped her son in the car seat and produced the spoon. He lapped at the milk on the spoon and learned that he could get milk from a source other than mom. She then re-introduced the bottle, and the baby took it.
7. Try a Medicine Dropper -- This tip came from another mom who said she was desperate after several bottle attempts, but again it seemed to help teach her daughter that milk could come from anywhere. In this case, the mom would give her daughter breast milk in the dropper after she'd already eaten some from the breast and therefore wasn't so hungry and desperate for a meal. She did it every day for a week before once again trying the bottle.
8. Breastfeed First -- A hungry, cranky baby is not always up for change -- would you be? Try nursing baby for a little while, but don't allow them to fill up on your milk. That way they're hungry but in a better mood and more apt to try something new. THEN let Dad step in to finish the job with a bottle.
9. Don't Give Up -- You certainly should NOT starve a baby who is refusing to take the bottle, but giving in right away and breastfeeding isn't helping anyone. A baby can survive 10 minutes without you nursing them! Many moms make the big mistake of giving in too quickly ... and the baby never learns.
What are your best tips for getting baby to take a bottle?
Image via JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/Corbis
Monday, August 4, 2014
Spanking, Grey Matter and Depression/Addiction
http://www.cnn.com/2014/07/23/health/effects-spanking-brain/index.html?hpt=he_c2
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Teaching Your Baby to Put Himself to Sleep
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/babies/teaching-your-baby-to-put-himself-to-sleep
Teaching Your Baby to Put Himself to Sleep
How do you get your baby to go to sleep and sleep through the night?
She may accomplish that milestone on her own, soon. Or she may need a little help from you to learn how to put herself to sleep. We all need to learn how to get back to sleep when the normal rhythm of our sleep cycles takes us into a slightly wakened state during the night.
Photo: SoulfulI suggest that you begin by reading the section on Infants and Sleep, for a general framing of the issue, including my bias toward keeping infants near you during sleep. (Why this bias? Because it gets you more sleep, and reduces the risk of SIDS for your baby.)
If you're considering Ferbering, you might want to read my biased view on that. Finally, I recommend that you check out Toddlers and Sleep for step by step recommendations on teaching a little one to sleep on her own.
After all that reading, you'll have a decision to make. Do you embark on some kind of sleep training with your baby? Your strategy will depend on the age of your baby, and of course also on how desperate you are for some sleep.
You'll be interested to know that most babies either do not fall asleep without being held, or do not sleep all night in their own bed. It simply isn't a "normal" thing for small humans to do, biologically speaking.
You can, however, teach babies to fall asleep themselves without leaving them to cry. This is not an overnight process -- it can take months -- but it does work. If you'd like to begin developing good sleep habits now, you'll want to start by breaking the association between nursing (or sucking) and falling asleep. Usually, babies find it easiest if you start by rocking them. So you can take this step-by-step:
1. Separate nursing/eating from sleep. Feed your baby when he wakes up from sleep, and again a bit later if he is awake and still hungry. But when he is just sleepy, experiment with walking or rocking him instead of feeding him. That way, he begins to learn to fall asleep without sucking. Of course, you are still using rocking or walking to get him to sleep, but that is an easier sleep association to break than sucking. PLEASE NOTE: This does NOT mean you withhold food from a hungry baby. You don't start this until your baby is several months old, nursing or eating well, and physically thriving. Infants need to eat very often, so you will often find that your infant is hungry and tired at the same time. If you walk or rock your baby and he continues to cry and protest, then he may very well be hungry as well as tired. In that case, feed him. The point here is gradually break the sucking/sleep association by helping your baby fall asleep in other ways than sucking, and you do that by offering the option. More and more often, he will indeed fall asleep. If he's hungry, he will keep crying to let you know, in which case of course you would feed him.
2. Help your little one learn to fall asleep lying still (in your arms). Once she's used to falling asleep being rocked or walked instead of eating, the next phase is to get her to fall asleep without rocking. So you begin with rocking, but then, before she is actually asleep, you stop rocking, and just sit holding her. If she protests, begin rocking again. Keep repeating this. It may take 25 attempts, but eventually she will begin falling asleep even though you have stopped rocking. That’s a real victory. Do this for a week or so until she's used to it as your new routine: getting sleepy while rocking and then falling asleep in your arms while not rocking.
3. Help your little one learn to fall asleep in his bed. The next step is to wait until Baby is almost asleep in the chair with you holding him, then stand and hold him still in your arms in his sleeping position (on his back) until he is almost asleep and accepts the stillness. If he protests, rock him in your arms as he falls asleep while you’re standing. Again, do this for a week until he is used to this routine. Next step is to begin lowering him into the crib or bed still awake although almost asleep. When he protests, pick him up again in the rocking position and rock a little, then stop. Keep repeating this. It may take 25 attempts, but eventually he will let you put him in the bed without protest. Now you are almost home.
4. Touch instead of holding, in her bed. Eventually, you will be able to put your baby in the crib and hold her there while she falls asleep, because she will not need rocking any more. Then you move to touching, but not holding, your baby, while she falls asleep in the crib. Eventually, she will be able to fall asleep with you simply holding her hand, or putting your hand on her forehead. Keep doing this until she accepts it as your new routine -- getting sleepy rocking, but then being put into her bed lying on her back and falling asleep there, eventually without you even touching her. Guess what? You now have a baby who can be put down in the crib awake, and who will fall asleep on her own!
Recommended Resources:
I highly recommend Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution.
Teaching Your Baby to Put Himself to Sleep
How do you get your baby to go to sleep and sleep through the night?
She may accomplish that milestone on her own, soon. Or she may need a little help from you to learn how to put herself to sleep. We all need to learn how to get back to sleep when the normal rhythm of our sleep cycles takes us into a slightly wakened state during the night.
Photo: SoulfulI suggest that you begin by reading the section on Infants and Sleep, for a general framing of the issue, including my bias toward keeping infants near you during sleep. (Why this bias? Because it gets you more sleep, and reduces the risk of SIDS for your baby.)
If you're considering Ferbering, you might want to read my biased view on that. Finally, I recommend that you check out Toddlers and Sleep for step by step recommendations on teaching a little one to sleep on her own.
After all that reading, you'll have a decision to make. Do you embark on some kind of sleep training with your baby? Your strategy will depend on the age of your baby, and of course also on how desperate you are for some sleep.
You'll be interested to know that most babies either do not fall asleep without being held, or do not sleep all night in their own bed. It simply isn't a "normal" thing for small humans to do, biologically speaking.
You can, however, teach babies to fall asleep themselves without leaving them to cry. This is not an overnight process -- it can take months -- but it does work. If you'd like to begin developing good sleep habits now, you'll want to start by breaking the association between nursing (or sucking) and falling asleep. Usually, babies find it easiest if you start by rocking them. So you can take this step-by-step:
1. Separate nursing/eating from sleep. Feed your baby when he wakes up from sleep, and again a bit later if he is awake and still hungry. But when he is just sleepy, experiment with walking or rocking him instead of feeding him. That way, he begins to learn to fall asleep without sucking. Of course, you are still using rocking or walking to get him to sleep, but that is an easier sleep association to break than sucking. PLEASE NOTE: This does NOT mean you withhold food from a hungry baby. You don't start this until your baby is several months old, nursing or eating well, and physically thriving. Infants need to eat very often, so you will often find that your infant is hungry and tired at the same time. If you walk or rock your baby and he continues to cry and protest, then he may very well be hungry as well as tired. In that case, feed him. The point here is gradually break the sucking/sleep association by helping your baby fall asleep in other ways than sucking, and you do that by offering the option. More and more often, he will indeed fall asleep. If he's hungry, he will keep crying to let you know, in which case of course you would feed him.
2. Help your little one learn to fall asleep lying still (in your arms). Once she's used to falling asleep being rocked or walked instead of eating, the next phase is to get her to fall asleep without rocking. So you begin with rocking, but then, before she is actually asleep, you stop rocking, and just sit holding her. If she protests, begin rocking again. Keep repeating this. It may take 25 attempts, but eventually she will begin falling asleep even though you have stopped rocking. That’s a real victory. Do this for a week or so until she's used to it as your new routine: getting sleepy while rocking and then falling asleep in your arms while not rocking.
3. Help your little one learn to fall asleep in his bed. The next step is to wait until Baby is almost asleep in the chair with you holding him, then stand and hold him still in your arms in his sleeping position (on his back) until he is almost asleep and accepts the stillness. If he protests, rock him in your arms as he falls asleep while you’re standing. Again, do this for a week until he is used to this routine. Next step is to begin lowering him into the crib or bed still awake although almost asleep. When he protests, pick him up again in the rocking position and rock a little, then stop. Keep repeating this. It may take 25 attempts, but eventually he will let you put him in the bed without protest. Now you are almost home.
4. Touch instead of holding, in her bed. Eventually, you will be able to put your baby in the crib and hold her there while she falls asleep, because she will not need rocking any more. Then you move to touching, but not holding, your baby, while she falls asleep in the crib. Eventually, she will be able to fall asleep with you simply holding her hand, or putting your hand on her forehead. Keep doing this until she accepts it as your new routine -- getting sleepy rocking, but then being put into her bed lying on her back and falling asleep there, eventually without you even touching her. Guess what? You now have a baby who can be put down in the crib awake, and who will fall asleep on her own!
Recommended Resources:
I highly recommend Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Great article from Aha Parenting on increasing Child IQ
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/child-loves-read
Forget Baby Einstein. The single best way to increase your child’s IQ is to read to her and instill a love of reading. Does your child read every evening, not because it’s assigned, but just for fun? Some kids do, and those are the kids who do better academically, at every step of the way. School performance correlates more directly with children's reading scores than any other single indicator.
Most parents buy board books for their babies and say they hope they'll love reading. And yet, by middle school, most kids stop reading books that aren't assigned in school. Only 28 percent of eighth graders scored at or above the proficiency level in reading in 1994; in fact, only two percent of them read at an advanced level.
What happens? The habit of reading never really gets ingrained in childhood. Our kids love leafing through books as toddlers, looking at the pictures. They may even enjoy reading as elementary schoolers. But reading is hard work, and life offers so many other ways to entertain themselves that reading always seems more like work than play. They never get to that delicious place where reading a book is more fun than almost anything.
So how can you inspire a lasting love of reading?
1. Read to your child from the earliest age. And not just at bedtime. Buy board books and cloth books as some of your child's first toys. Carry them around with snacks in the diaper bag. Create "cozy time," a ritual of connection in which you both associate love and cuddling with reading. Any time either of you needs a break, grab a book and read to your child. Post tantrum, during lunch, after school, while you have your coffee on Sunday, any time can be cozy time.
2. Begin visiting the library regularly by the time your child is two and she may well prefer reading to any other activity. Use the time in the library to read to your child as well as to select books. My kids would never sit still at library "story times," but if your child likes them, by all means go. Write down the names of the books you check out if your library can't give you a printout, so you can keep track of returning them on time. Keep library books on a separate shelf in the living room or kitchen so you don't lose them, and so you can always easily find something new to read. (If you don't take them out of the house, you won't lose them.)
Supervising a toddler and perusing bookshelves is always a challenge; it helps if you can develop a list of authors and books so you can find good ones easily. Librarians usually have a list of favorite books for various ages, and other parents and kids are always a good source of suggestions. Find some series you like and share your child's excitement when you find another book by a beloved author. (See Recommended Children's Books) (http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/children-books) .
3. Read to your child as often as possible. I found that before my children could really participate in meals, reading to them during lunch or an early dinner (when the other parent isn't yet home from work) entertained them enough to keep them sitting. They were much more likely to try the foods I put in front of them with my company and the diversion of a book, than if I let them sit in the high chair or at the kitchen table to eat while I cooked. This is very different from putting kids in front of a screen while they eat. Then, they stare at the screen as they unconsciously put things in their mouth. Being read to is more like listening to the radio; they can look at their food and savor it as they listen, glancing occasionally at the pictures you hold up.
4. Don't push your child to learn to read. He will read naturally once he develops the preliminary skills. Your goal is not to help him sound out words, but to encourage a love of books, both pictures and stories. Teaching him to read will take all the fun out of reading. If you push him, he'll feel put on the spot, and he'll feel dumb. That feeling will last his whole life, and it won't endear reading to him.
Some very smart children don't learn to read until they're over seven years old. Don't worry. They'll quickly catch up with those who started at four or five. I know two children who were reading at 3 years old, and at 6 years old, respectively. They are both now 9, and in the fourth grade. They both read at about an eighth grade reading level. The only difference is that the early reader feels insecure about no longer being “special,” and often acts obnoxiously superior to other kids. There is absolutely no benefit to pushing your child to read "early," and there are many drawbacks. (Should you stop her from teaching herself to read? Of course not. I'm just saying not to push it and not to make it your child's claim to fame, because sooner or later everyone else will catch up. It's a bit like whether a child learns to walk at nine months or 16 months. Who cares?)
5. Don't stop reading to him once he learns to read. Read to him every step of the way, for as long as he'll let you. Continuing to read to him will keep him interested as his skills develop. And it gives you lots of fodder for conversations about values and choices.
Parents often complain that their early readers CAN read, but just don't seem interested in doing so.........(Continue reading (http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/child-loves-read) )
Forget Baby Einstein. The single best way to increase your child’s IQ is to read to her and instill a love of reading. Does your child read every evening, not because it’s assigned, but just for fun? Some kids do, and those are the kids who do better academically, at every step of the way. School performance correlates more directly with children's reading scores than any other single indicator.
Most parents buy board books for their babies and say they hope they'll love reading. And yet, by middle school, most kids stop reading books that aren't assigned in school. Only 28 percent of eighth graders scored at or above the proficiency level in reading in 1994; in fact, only two percent of them read at an advanced level.
What happens? The habit of reading never really gets ingrained in childhood. Our kids love leafing through books as toddlers, looking at the pictures. They may even enjoy reading as elementary schoolers. But reading is hard work, and life offers so many other ways to entertain themselves that reading always seems more like work than play. They never get to that delicious place where reading a book is more fun than almost anything.
So how can you inspire a lasting love of reading?
1. Read to your child from the earliest age. And not just at bedtime. Buy board books and cloth books as some of your child's first toys. Carry them around with snacks in the diaper bag. Create "cozy time," a ritual of connection in which you both associate love and cuddling with reading. Any time either of you needs a break, grab a book and read to your child. Post tantrum, during lunch, after school, while you have your coffee on Sunday, any time can be cozy time.
2. Begin visiting the library regularly by the time your child is two and she may well prefer reading to any other activity. Use the time in the library to read to your child as well as to select books. My kids would never sit still at library "story times," but if your child likes them, by all means go. Write down the names of the books you check out if your library can't give you a printout, so you can keep track of returning them on time. Keep library books on a separate shelf in the living room or kitchen so you don't lose them, and so you can always easily find something new to read. (If you don't take them out of the house, you won't lose them.)
Supervising a toddler and perusing bookshelves is always a challenge; it helps if you can develop a list of authors and books so you can find good ones easily. Librarians usually have a list of favorite books for various ages, and other parents and kids are always a good source of suggestions. Find some series you like and share your child's excitement when you find another book by a beloved author. (See Recommended Children's Books) (http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/children-books) .
3. Read to your child as often as possible. I found that before my children could really participate in meals, reading to them during lunch or an early dinner (when the other parent isn't yet home from work) entertained them enough to keep them sitting. They were much more likely to try the foods I put in front of them with my company and the diversion of a book, than if I let them sit in the high chair or at the kitchen table to eat while I cooked. This is very different from putting kids in front of a screen while they eat. Then, they stare at the screen as they unconsciously put things in their mouth. Being read to is more like listening to the radio; they can look at their food and savor it as they listen, glancing occasionally at the pictures you hold up.
4. Don't push your child to learn to read. He will read naturally once he develops the preliminary skills. Your goal is not to help him sound out words, but to encourage a love of books, both pictures and stories. Teaching him to read will take all the fun out of reading. If you push him, he'll feel put on the spot, and he'll feel dumb. That feeling will last his whole life, and it won't endear reading to him.
Some very smart children don't learn to read until they're over seven years old. Don't worry. They'll quickly catch up with those who started at four or five. I know two children who were reading at 3 years old, and at 6 years old, respectively. They are both now 9, and in the fourth grade. They both read at about an eighth grade reading level. The only difference is that the early reader feels insecure about no longer being “special,” and often acts obnoxiously superior to other kids. There is absolutely no benefit to pushing your child to read "early," and there are many drawbacks. (Should you stop her from teaching herself to read? Of course not. I'm just saying not to push it and not to make it your child's claim to fame, because sooner or later everyone else will catch up. It's a bit like whether a child learns to walk at nine months or 16 months. Who cares?)
5. Don't stop reading to him once he learns to read. Read to him every step of the way, for as long as he'll let you. Continuing to read to him will keep him interested as his skills develop. And it gives you lots of fodder for conversations about values and choices.
Parents often complain that their early readers CAN read, but just don't seem interested in doing so.........(Continue reading (http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/raise-great-kids/intellegent-creative-child/child-loves-read) )
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
How to give your child a rich life-- without raising entitled kids.
http://us2.campaign-archive2.com/?u=775b94b440ad73397931a9ad7&id=23c44a371b&e=a2330417a9
How to give your child a rich life--
without raising entitled kids.
“Our offspring have simply leveraged our good intentions and over-investment...They inhabit a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.”- Sally Koslow
"I think I want my daughter to have some sense of entitlement... We were raised that we don't deserve anything, including respect.... This happens every generation, the same spoiled children story....I'm sure the first generation of kids to wear shoes or go to school were also considered spoiled and entitled. I say we break the cycle of calling the younger generation names." - Kara
We all want to raise kids who know how to work hard to create what they want in the world. Nobody wants to raise a child who thinks the world owes him, who feels like he’s entitled to take whatever he wants. But Kara is right. We also DO want to raise a child who feels deserving of the blessings of abundance—spiritual, emotional, and yes, physical—the rich life that should be the birthright of every child. How do we raise a child who feels deserving – but not “entitled”?
1. Don't feed your child's emotional hunger with possessions. Material cravings are so often a salve for the deeper need all humans share to be deeply seen, accepted, cherished. Often when we feel guilty that we aren't spending enough time with our kids, we buy them things. When your child gets demanding, that's a red flag to stop, drop your busy-ness, and get clear about your priorities. What can you do with your child today to simply enjoy her? How can you set up rituals in your week to spend more time connecting? As the old saying goes, children thrive when you give them half as many presents and twice as much of your presence.
2. Empower kids to create their own abundance. Too often, out of our own anxiety about money, we shame children when they “want” material things. But the opposite response of giving kids everything they ask for also teaches the wrong lessons. There is a better way—we can empower our child. Consider these three approaches to your child in the toy store when you’re buying a present for her cousin’s birthday.
“Don’t even start asking…you know better than that! Don’t you ever get enough? Do you think money grows on trees? You don’t even take care of the things you have!”
This approach teaches your child that he doesn't deserve (of course he's deserving), that he's greedy for wanting things (all of us want things, all the time) that his parents can't afford the things he wants (which can lead to a sense of deprivation), and that he is powerless to get what he wants in life (which makes him feel resentful; all those riches lined up on the shelves are for other people but not for him.) The result? Something that looks a lot like entitlement, or at least looking out for number one.
“I hear you, I hear you—you really want it!….How much is it?....Well…..I guess so…Do you promise you’ll be a good girl all week and really listen?”
This is bribing your child to cooperate, which always digs you into a hole. But what's worse is that if we just hand our kids everything they want on a material level, it creates the expectation that they'll be handed whatever they want in life, especially if they make a fuss, and promises they can’t necessarily keep. She'll feel great for the moment, since our brains give us a hit of dopamine every time we chase, conquer, acquire. But that purchase will quickly lose its luster and she'll be craving the next thing. That addicts her to purchasing things (or manipulating others to purchase things for her) as a way to feel good, and it gets her into the habit of acquiring more, more, more without feeling gratitude for what she has, both material and non-material.
“You really want that, I hear you…Wow, that is cool, isn’t it?...It’s not in our plan for today“ (In other words, this is not about a poverty mentality. It's about priorities) "...I’m sorry, I see how much you like it…Do you want me to put it on your birthday list?...You’re right, your birthday is a long way off….But if you still want it, you can have it then….And you know, if you really want it sooner, you can earn the money…Sure, I can think of some odd jobs that aren’t part of your normal chores...And you're getting old enough that you could walk the dog for Mrs. Jennings, or shovel the snow this winter around the neighborhood.”
This child feels empowered. If she really wants this item, she can get it—either now or later. She’s learned that anything she wants is possible, with enough hard work.
3. Empower your child by giving her the chance to learn the value of hard work. Remember the days when kids did odd jobs all summer to earn money for a bike? Those kids knew the worth of a nickel, took care of their bikes, and felt enormously empowered. They knew they could realize their dreams by working hard. I'm not saying you can't buy a new bike just because your child outgrew her old one, but all children need to learn that if they work hard at things, they can make their dreams come true. They learn more from earning than from just being handed things. And the pursuit of a goal is rewarding in itself.
4. Help your child learn how to hold a job. Earning money at home is one thing, but there's nothing as educational as working for someone outside the family for pay, which teaches real responsibility in the real world. Start when your eight year old wants something badly and her birthday's still far off, by paying her to do tasks you wouldn’t normally expect of her (washing the car, weeding the garden). But over time, be sure this expands to odd jobs in the neighborhood (walk the neighbor’s dog or offer snow shoveling service in the winter), then to mother’s helper/babysitting jobs when it’s age appropriate, and finally to after-school or summer jobs. Even if your family has plenty and never needs your teenager to work, every teen should learn by experience what it takes to earn a dollar.
5. Role Model. Children won't always do what you say, but they'll always, eventually, do what you do. If you shop for relaxation or fun, so will your child. If you "must have" the latest tech toy, your child will follow in your footsteps. If you express gratitude for everything you have, so will your child.
6. Hold your child accountable for damaged goods. If kids help pay for lost library books and cell phones, windows broken by their baseball, or tools they've left out to rust from their own savings, they learn a valuable lesson about valuing what they have, rather than assuming someone else will simply "buy another." Of course, you stay clear about priorities -- your child is always more important than that thing he broke. And you never have to be mean about it. You just expect your child to help make things right.
7. Counteract the message that happiness can be bought. As parents, we need to remember that we aren't the only ones teaching our children about life. TV is a very effective teacher, and if it has your child's ear, it has a direct line to her brain. Studies show that most adults say they're not affected by TV ads, but in fact those ads influence them deeply. Imagine how much more true that is for children, who get the constant media message that the goal of life is more money and more things. Ultimately, what we model and what we tell our children will matter more, but we need to confront those destructive messages directly, and when possible keep them from reaching our kids.
8. Help your child wire his brain for a different kind of reward. Recognize that buying is an addiction, given that dopamine is released when we get what we pursue. It isn't wanting that gets us into trouble, it's WHAT we want and pursue. Material things don't satisfy our hunting urge for more than a day or so before we crave more. So notice what you pursue, and help your child discover the emotional rewards of other kinds of chases besides shopping and acquisition. No, he can’t hunt a mastadon, but how about the pursuit of mastery, with something he’s passionate about? A child who loves playing basketball, cooking, writing, music—any passion—practices it, builds resilience, and along the way wires his brain to find fulfillment in a different kind of chase. This is the kind of reward that lasts.
9. Educate yourself. You aren't raising your child in a vacuum. Our culture is centered around consumption -- accumulating more and more stuff. You and your kids are surrounded by messages that buying stuff will make your life better, and it's so hard not to respond to that drumbeat. I highly recommend the short video "The Story of Stuff" which will make you laugh, change the way you look at things, and maybe change the way your family lives.
Notice a thread here? If kids today feel entitled, it's not because they're "bad." It's because we're raising them in a culture of entitlement, one that values acquiring stuff over developing our unique gifts to contribute to the world, and even over being a good human being. It's because when they want connection and validation, we give them stuff. To help kids change, we have to examine our own lives and assumptions.
The good news is that these practices do work to raise kids who aren't "entitled." What's more, they make your life better. Because when we take the emphasis off stuff, we shift it to where it belongs: Connecting and contributing, which create lasting, rather than momentary, happiness.
This article is part of the series Are Kids Today Spoiled and Undisciplined?
Choose love!
Dr. Laura
How to give your child a rich life--
without raising entitled kids.
“Our offspring have simply leveraged our good intentions and over-investment...They inhabit a broad savannah of entitlement that we’ve watered, landscaped, and hired gardeners to maintain.”- Sally Koslow
"I think I want my daughter to have some sense of entitlement... We were raised that we don't deserve anything, including respect.... This happens every generation, the same spoiled children story....I'm sure the first generation of kids to wear shoes or go to school were also considered spoiled and entitled. I say we break the cycle of calling the younger generation names." - Kara
We all want to raise kids who know how to work hard to create what they want in the world. Nobody wants to raise a child who thinks the world owes him, who feels like he’s entitled to take whatever he wants. But Kara is right. We also DO want to raise a child who feels deserving of the blessings of abundance—spiritual, emotional, and yes, physical—the rich life that should be the birthright of every child. How do we raise a child who feels deserving – but not “entitled”?
1. Don't feed your child's emotional hunger with possessions. Material cravings are so often a salve for the deeper need all humans share to be deeply seen, accepted, cherished. Often when we feel guilty that we aren't spending enough time with our kids, we buy them things. When your child gets demanding, that's a red flag to stop, drop your busy-ness, and get clear about your priorities. What can you do with your child today to simply enjoy her? How can you set up rituals in your week to spend more time connecting? As the old saying goes, children thrive when you give them half as many presents and twice as much of your presence.
2. Empower kids to create their own abundance. Too often, out of our own anxiety about money, we shame children when they “want” material things. But the opposite response of giving kids everything they ask for also teaches the wrong lessons. There is a better way—we can empower our child. Consider these three approaches to your child in the toy store when you’re buying a present for her cousin’s birthday.
“Don’t even start asking…you know better than that! Don’t you ever get enough? Do you think money grows on trees? You don’t even take care of the things you have!”
This approach teaches your child that he doesn't deserve (of course he's deserving), that he's greedy for wanting things (all of us want things, all the time) that his parents can't afford the things he wants (which can lead to a sense of deprivation), and that he is powerless to get what he wants in life (which makes him feel resentful; all those riches lined up on the shelves are for other people but not for him.) The result? Something that looks a lot like entitlement, or at least looking out for number one.
“I hear you, I hear you—you really want it!….How much is it?....Well…..I guess so…Do you promise you’ll be a good girl all week and really listen?”
This is bribing your child to cooperate, which always digs you into a hole. But what's worse is that if we just hand our kids everything they want on a material level, it creates the expectation that they'll be handed whatever they want in life, especially if they make a fuss, and promises they can’t necessarily keep. She'll feel great for the moment, since our brains give us a hit of dopamine every time we chase, conquer, acquire. But that purchase will quickly lose its luster and she'll be craving the next thing. That addicts her to purchasing things (or manipulating others to purchase things for her) as a way to feel good, and it gets her into the habit of acquiring more, more, more without feeling gratitude for what she has, both material and non-material.
“You really want that, I hear you…Wow, that is cool, isn’t it?...It’s not in our plan for today“ (In other words, this is not about a poverty mentality. It's about priorities) "...I’m sorry, I see how much you like it…Do you want me to put it on your birthday list?...You’re right, your birthday is a long way off….But if you still want it, you can have it then….And you know, if you really want it sooner, you can earn the money…Sure, I can think of some odd jobs that aren’t part of your normal chores...And you're getting old enough that you could walk the dog for Mrs. Jennings, or shovel the snow this winter around the neighborhood.”
This child feels empowered. If she really wants this item, she can get it—either now or later. She’s learned that anything she wants is possible, with enough hard work.
3. Empower your child by giving her the chance to learn the value of hard work. Remember the days when kids did odd jobs all summer to earn money for a bike? Those kids knew the worth of a nickel, took care of their bikes, and felt enormously empowered. They knew they could realize their dreams by working hard. I'm not saying you can't buy a new bike just because your child outgrew her old one, but all children need to learn that if they work hard at things, they can make their dreams come true. They learn more from earning than from just being handed things. And the pursuit of a goal is rewarding in itself.
4. Help your child learn how to hold a job. Earning money at home is one thing, but there's nothing as educational as working for someone outside the family for pay, which teaches real responsibility in the real world. Start when your eight year old wants something badly and her birthday's still far off, by paying her to do tasks you wouldn’t normally expect of her (washing the car, weeding the garden). But over time, be sure this expands to odd jobs in the neighborhood (walk the neighbor’s dog or offer snow shoveling service in the winter), then to mother’s helper/babysitting jobs when it’s age appropriate, and finally to after-school or summer jobs. Even if your family has plenty and never needs your teenager to work, every teen should learn by experience what it takes to earn a dollar.
5. Role Model. Children won't always do what you say, but they'll always, eventually, do what you do. If you shop for relaxation or fun, so will your child. If you "must have" the latest tech toy, your child will follow in your footsteps. If you express gratitude for everything you have, so will your child.
6. Hold your child accountable for damaged goods. If kids help pay for lost library books and cell phones, windows broken by their baseball, or tools they've left out to rust from their own savings, they learn a valuable lesson about valuing what they have, rather than assuming someone else will simply "buy another." Of course, you stay clear about priorities -- your child is always more important than that thing he broke. And you never have to be mean about it. You just expect your child to help make things right.
7. Counteract the message that happiness can be bought. As parents, we need to remember that we aren't the only ones teaching our children about life. TV is a very effective teacher, and if it has your child's ear, it has a direct line to her brain. Studies show that most adults say they're not affected by TV ads, but in fact those ads influence them deeply. Imagine how much more true that is for children, who get the constant media message that the goal of life is more money and more things. Ultimately, what we model and what we tell our children will matter more, but we need to confront those destructive messages directly, and when possible keep them from reaching our kids.
8. Help your child wire his brain for a different kind of reward. Recognize that buying is an addiction, given that dopamine is released when we get what we pursue. It isn't wanting that gets us into trouble, it's WHAT we want and pursue. Material things don't satisfy our hunting urge for more than a day or so before we crave more. So notice what you pursue, and help your child discover the emotional rewards of other kinds of chases besides shopping and acquisition. No, he can’t hunt a mastadon, but how about the pursuit of mastery, with something he’s passionate about? A child who loves playing basketball, cooking, writing, music—any passion—practices it, builds resilience, and along the way wires his brain to find fulfillment in a different kind of chase. This is the kind of reward that lasts.
9. Educate yourself. You aren't raising your child in a vacuum. Our culture is centered around consumption -- accumulating more and more stuff. You and your kids are surrounded by messages that buying stuff will make your life better, and it's so hard not to respond to that drumbeat. I highly recommend the short video "The Story of Stuff" which will make you laugh, change the way you look at things, and maybe change the way your family lives.
Notice a thread here? If kids today feel entitled, it's not because they're "bad." It's because we're raising them in a culture of entitlement, one that values acquiring stuff over developing our unique gifts to contribute to the world, and even over being a good human being. It's because when they want connection and validation, we give them stuff. To help kids change, we have to examine our own lives and assumptions.
The good news is that these practices do work to raise kids who aren't "entitled." What's more, they make your life better. Because when we take the emphasis off stuff, we shift it to where it belongs: Connecting and contributing, which create lasting, rather than momentary, happiness.
This article is part of the series Are Kids Today Spoiled and Undisciplined?
Choose love!
Dr. Laura
Monday, June 2, 2014
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Nap Routine
http://www.mybabysleepguide.com/2009/01/sleep-routine.html?m=1
Pre-Sleep Routine
The sooner a pre-sleep routine is started (I recommend it even with newborns), the less likely there will be problems trying to settle your child.
Nap Routine
A winding down period before a nap is a must for all children. For babies under 6 months of age it may be a good idea not to play with them or stimulate them 15-20 minutes prior to a nap. You can also use calm activities or special "wind down" toys that are less stimulating shortly before a nap.
During the wind down period you want to avoid as much stimulation as possible to help your baby calm down prior to sleep. Particularly as your baby gets older, talking and eye contact will become more and more distracting and make it difficult for your baby to settle so these things are good to avoid. Some babies may even need to have their eyes covered or their faces snuggled into your shoulder before nap times.
Some older children will benefit from calm activities before nap time for as long as they have a nap.
Gina Ford recommends not cuddling with a baby too much during awake time or else baby won't be settled with cuddles before nap time. What I do is similar to this but not so extreme. I try to have baby play by himself for at least a few minutes before a nap. Then when I pick him up to get him ready for bed he's extra snuggly and happy to be in my arms. I still cuddle him most of the time he is up though.
Bedtime Routine
At bedtime try not to make things too complicated and do not rush things because children can sense when things are rushed. Plan at least 30-60 minutes if bath and bottle are included and 5-15 minutes if these things aren't included. Ferber recommends having the final part of the routine take place in the child's room so that he has a positive association with going to sleep. This quote from Ferber sums up my thoughts pretty well on this subject. Just remember that what you do now will create habits that you'll have to live with or deal with (change) later on.
"Although I do believe some bedtime rituals are better than others, there are few absolute rules regarding sleep behavior. If your routine is working -- if you and your child are happy with it, if he falls asleep easily and night wakings are infrequent, if he is getting enough sleep, and if his daytime behavior is appropriate --then whatever you are doing is probably fine."
Here are some ideas of things that you can include in your routine. What you choose to do depends on you, your child and your child's age:
A Few Additional Tips
What I do, in case you were wondering:
First off, I have tried to have my husband put my son to sleep every so often since he was a newborn. I have also had other people put him to sleep when they were around. He has never had a problem being put to sleep by different people, and I think this has a lot to do with why.
We do almost the same thing for naptime and bedtime. We start off by going into his room and dimming the lights and shutting the door behind us. We then sit down and read a set number of books together. He started taking forever with some books because he started to go forward through the book as well as backwards so I made a rule that he could only go forward through a book at sleep times. This fixed the problem. Next we turn off the lights and hold him and his blanket over our shoulder while we sing then hum a song to him. I then put him in his bed with his blanket, tell him that it is time to sleep, that I love him and that I will see him when he wakes up. I then start humming the same song again as I leave the room and shut the door behind me.
When my son Joshua was a baby, variations from this routine would disrupt him. Now that he is two we still do the same routine, but if for some reason it is done differently, or not at all, it doesn't matter. He still goes to sleep without any problems. It wasn't always this effortless, but hard work and consistency has definitely paid off!
Nap Routine
A winding down period before a nap is a must for all children. For babies under 6 months of age it may be a good idea not to play with them or stimulate them 15-20 minutes prior to a nap. You can also use calm activities or special "wind down" toys that are less stimulating shortly before a nap.
During the wind down period you want to avoid as much stimulation as possible to help your baby calm down prior to sleep. Particularly as your baby gets older, talking and eye contact will become more and more distracting and make it difficult for your baby to settle so these things are good to avoid. Some babies may even need to have their eyes covered or their faces snuggled into your shoulder before nap times.
Some older children will benefit from calm activities before nap time for as long as they have a nap.
Gina Ford recommends not cuddling with a baby too much during awake time or else baby won't be settled with cuddles before nap time. What I do is similar to this but not so extreme. I try to have baby play by himself for at least a few minutes before a nap. Then when I pick him up to get him ready for bed he's extra snuggly and happy to be in my arms. I still cuddle him most of the time he is up though.
Bedtime Routine
At bedtime try not to make things too complicated and do not rush things because children can sense when things are rushed. Plan at least 30-60 minutes if bath and bottle are included and 5-15 minutes if these things aren't included. Ferber recommends having the final part of the routine take place in the child's room so that he has a positive association with going to sleep. This quote from Ferber sums up my thoughts pretty well on this subject. Just remember that what you do now will create habits that you'll have to live with or deal with (change) later on.
"Although I do believe some bedtime rituals are better than others, there are few absolute rules regarding sleep behavior. If your routine is working -- if you and your child are happy with it, if he falls asleep easily and night wakings are infrequent, if he is getting enough sleep, and if his daytime behavior is appropriate --then whatever you are doing is probably fine."
Here are some ideas of things that you can include in your routine. What you choose to do depends on you, your child and your child's age:
- Decreased stimulation (lights, handling, playing, noise)
- Darkness (serves as a time cue) and a quiet bedroom
- Bath (make sure baby is not too tired or hungry beforehand)
- Massage
- Dress for sleep
- Swaddle (especially under 6 weeks d/t moro reflex)
- Lullaby, singing or humming
- Favorite words, sounds, or phrases- be consistent
- Give reassurances or praises for things during the day
- Read a book (avoid scary ones and new ones). I encourage (even beg you) you to include this as part of your routine. It'll be something your child remembers forever.
- Talk with child about his day
- Bottle or Breast (I generally suggests against feeding to sleep, particularly for naps, since it can create hard to break habits and sleep problems)
- Transitional object or Lovey
- A certain number of hugs, kisses or any other special thing you do with your child
- The Baby Whisperer's "Four S" wind down ritual
- Offer a pacifier
- With a young baby I will sometimes swaddle them and then walk around with them in a light environment for 30-90 seconds to help them relax. I will then go into the room and continue with the rest of the routine. This is especially helpful for babies that start to go a little berserk the second they sense they are being put to bed because they want to stay up and play. And no, I don't think this is a sleep prop issue . You are only doing it for a minute (compared to 20 minutes), and you are not doing it until your child falls asleep.
- I may also carry baby in a baby carrier for several minutes before sleep to calm and soothe her.
A Few Additional Tips
- Keep it simple.
- Make it enjoyable so your child will look forward to it.
- Make it transferable so you can do it anywhere.
- Have a reasonable length (decided by you and not your child).
- Be consistent.
- Be aware that a baby that is overtired or overstimulated is going to need a longer wind down time.
- Do not give into your child. For example, don't keep giving in to more books or "just one more song" or you may end up singing or reading endlessly each night.
- When age appropriate, you may want to give your child a warning (e.g. "2 minutes until bed") as the routine is nearing its end.
- If your child has trouble transitioning to getting ready to bed, you might want to make the first pre-bedtime activity something that he looks forward to, like taking a bath.
- Vary who puts baby down to sleep so you aren't stuck with only one person that can do it.
- Vary sleep location occasionally.
- Skipping the routine because you are in a hurry or your child is going to bed late often doesn't work well because your child may take twice as long to fall asleep.
- As your child gets used to the routine and going to sleep on his own, make sure to put him down less and less drowsy. A child that only knows how to go to sleep from a drowsy state may not be able to put himself back to sleep when he wakes in the night or prematurely from a nap.
What I do, in case you were wondering:
First off, I have tried to have my husband put my son to sleep every so often since he was a newborn. I have also had other people put him to sleep when they were around. He has never had a problem being put to sleep by different people, and I think this has a lot to do with why.
We do almost the same thing for naptime and bedtime. We start off by going into his room and dimming the lights and shutting the door behind us. We then sit down and read a set number of books together. He started taking forever with some books because he started to go forward through the book as well as backwards so I made a rule that he could only go forward through a book at sleep times. This fixed the problem. Next we turn off the lights and hold him and his blanket over our shoulder while we sing then hum a song to him. I then put him in his bed with his blanket, tell him that it is time to sleep, that I love him and that I will see him when he wakes up. I then start humming the same song again as I leave the room and shut the door behind me.
When my son Joshua was a baby, variations from this routine would disrupt him. Now that he is two we still do the same routine, but if for some reason it is done differently, or not at all, it doesn't matter. He still goes to sleep without any problems. It wasn't always this effortless, but hard work and consistency has definitely paid off!
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Great article from My Baby Sleep Guide "Why is my baby taking short naps? "
http://www.mybabysleepguide.com/2009/02/waking-early-from-naps.html?m=1
Ahhhh, short naps. Every parent's dream. They visit many and they visit often. And they are as obnoxious as anything....especially if you have just spend the last hour trying to get baby to go to sleep! Am I right?
Short naps, sometimes called the 45 minute intruder due to their length, are especially difficult if you are trying to establish a routine or if you find your child is constantly waking up unhappy (a common sign that she hasn't had enough sleep).
Here are some possible reasons that your baby may be waking early from naps. Not all children will extend their naps (it is a genetic thing), but it is worth a shot!
If this post has been helpful for you, please consider following me on facebook, twitter or subscribing to my posts through email or a reader. Thanks!
Why is my baby taking short naps?
Ahhhh, short naps. Every parent's dream. They visit many and they visit often. And they are as obnoxious as anything....especially if you have just spend the last hour trying to get baby to go to sleep! Am I right?
Short naps, sometimes called the 45 minute intruder due to their length, are especially difficult if you are trying to establish a routine or if you find your child is constantly waking up unhappy (a common sign that she hasn't had enough sleep).
Here are some possible reasons that your baby may be waking early from naps. Not all children will extend their naps (it is a genetic thing), but it is worth a shot!
- Your child is overtired. The waketime length may have been too long before his nap. Overtired children often sleep for less time and have a harder time making it through a sleep transition. Overtiredness is very common and is more likely to be the problem with the morning nap and babies under 2-3 months of age. It isn't uncommon for a baby to wake up 15-30 minutes into a nap if he is overtired.
- Your child is hungry. He could not have eaten as much as he usually eats when he last ate (e.g. he was too sleepy, he didn't feel well) or he could be in a growth spurt.
- Your child was overstimulated before nap time. Were you out and about doing a bunch of new things that may have overwhelmed your baby and been a little too much for him? You may want to try an extra long, soothing pre-naptime routine.
- Your child has a disrupted sleep routine. A disrupted routine could include something that happened the current day or the even the night or day before. While some children don't mind a few disruptions, other children are very affected by them.
- Your child has an inconsistent or nonexistent routine. A child that has an inconsistent or nonexistent routine does not have consistent internal rhythms to help him know when he should be sleeping and for how long. See Why have a schedule/routine?
- Your child has a hard time transitioning from light to deep sleep. This is very common with overtired babies and babies that are unable to initially go to sleep on their own (see sleep props/associations--pacifiers, feeding to sleep etc.), but is still very common among babies that are able to initially go to sleep on their own. An awakening would happen around 35-50 minutes (and lengthens to 90 minutes by the time they reach adolescence) which is how long the first sleep cycle typically lasts. Short naps due to these awakenings often (but not always) start around 2-3 months of age as the sleep cycle changes (see understanding sleep stages). See Sleep Training in the blog index and the post extending a short nap for ideas on how to get your baby to sleep longer for naps (this can be used for babies of any age depending on what method you are using and what your personal preferences are).
- Something woke your child up like a loud neighbor or traffic (see Sound And Its Effect On Sleep). If this is the case then try to keep things quiet during your babies nap periods, especially as he goes through sleep transitions. You may also want to consider getting a sound machine
.
- Ford believes that one of the most common causes of short naps is a light room (see Light And Dark And Their Effects on Sleep). I have found this to be true for many children.
- Your child is under tired and/or under stimulated. Some babies will wake up early from a nap if they are put to sleep too early or have too little stimulation or physical activity before the nap (e.g. you do errands all day and your child never has the chance to move around). Most of the time in this is not the case with newborns.
- Your child is getting too much day time sleep or night time sleep. This goes along with the last comment. Add up your child's daytime sleep and see how it compares to the average daily sleep (see Daytime Sleep - What's Average?). See how your child's night time sleep (see Night Time Sleep - What's Average?) compares with the average night sleep. Even if children seem to need sleep at these times and sleep well, they still sometimes need to be weaned a bit from sleep during the day or night so it can be redistributed elsewhere. See Total Sleep - What's Average?
- Your child is newly aware of his environment. This often causes nap disruption for several days around 3-4 months of age. Double check to make sure there is a good sleep environment (noise, light etc)
- Your baby was transitioning from one sleep stage to the next and made a sound and you thought baby was done napping before he actually was. Make sure you allow a few minutes to see if baby will go back to sleep before rushing in or automatically assuming a nap has gone shorter than expected.
- Your child is learning a new skill. Children practice new skills (even when they can't quite do the skills yet) before they fall asleep and even in their sleep. Obviously if you're trying to crawl or walk when you should be sleeping it can cause some disruptions :)
- Your child is uncomfortable.
- Is his clothing itchy?
- Does he have eczema? Talk to your doctor about getting something to help if lotion doesn't fix the problem.
- Is his mattress uncomfortable? I suggest buying the best mattress you can afford and preferably a hypoallergenic one. If you are using a pack 'n play as a crib you can buy padded sheets and even put additional blankets for padding under the sheets (make sure it is SAFE).
- Is baby too hot or too cold? See Getting the Right Temperature.
- Is he in pain? **Does your young baby have gas? Gas is more likely to be the case if he wakes up around 20-30 minutes into a nap. If you think this is the case, burp your baby, help him calm down and then set him down to try and sleep again. **Is an older baby teething? **Is baby sick? **Does baby have acid reflux? **Does he have a diaper rash? ** I've noticed that some things that don't bother my son too much when he's awake (like teething) will be a bit more bothersome when he is trying to sleep since he doesn't have other things to take his mind off of the pain. You can all probably relate with this when you're trying to go to sleep and you notice your sore neck or back for the first time.
- Does he have a wet diaper? Some children are more sensitive than others and do better with diapers that are extra absorptive like huggies supreme. These unfortunately usually cost more. I would first try the next size up to see if this works.
- Does he have a dirty diaper? If he has a dirty diaper you obviously need to change it. Keeping with the eat/activity/sleep routine usually helps reduce dirty diapers during naps. For more on this, check out the post on poop and sleep.
- Is his tummy upset from something in mom's diet if she is breastfeeding or new solid foods that have been introduced? If your baby is formula fed he may be constipated (uncommon with breastfeeding).
- Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child states that until 21 months of age, some babies appear to take short naps no matter what you do. Your child, unfortunately, could be one of these babies. But don't just assume you've got one of these short nappers until you've considered possible causes and have consistently tried some suggestions on the post Extending a Short Nap. Many babies seem to start taking longer naps around 4-6 months either by themselves or with a little sleep training.
- If your child wakes up happy from his naps, sleeps well at night and is happy during his awake times then it's possible he doesn't need longer naps. Since more than a short nap is usually needed, I would personally be sure to rule out other things on this list before assuming he only needs a short nap.
- Is your baby taking SUPER SHORT NAPS? As in 15-30 minutes (or something like that). Here are some of the more common reasons for this:
- Pain. Does he have gas? Reflux?
- Overtiredness. What was his waketime before the nap? Has he had previous bad naps that day? Is he always missing naps and chronically overtired?
- Active sleep environment. Some babies do not sleep well if there is a lot of light, sound or movement (you are holding them and moving etc) when they are trying to sleep.
- Change in sleep environment. Did you hold or feed baby to sleep and he woke shortly after putting him down? Did you stop the car ride or turn off the swing? Some babies are very good at noticing the difference in how things feel the second, or several minutes after, you put them down or stop the movement.
If this post has been helpful for you, please consider following me on facebook, twitter or subscribing to my posts through email or a reader. Thanks!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Drowning Doesn’t Look Like Drowning
http://mariovittone.com/2010/05/154/
Drowning Doesn’t Look Like Drowning
The new captain jumped from the deck,
fully dressed, and sprinted through the water. A former lifeguard, he
kept his eyes on his victim as he headed straight for the couple
swimming between their anchored sportfisher and the beach. “I think he
thinks you’re drowning,” the husband said to his wife. They had been
splashing each other and she had screamed but now they were just
standing, neck-deep on the sand bar. “We’re fine, what is he doing?” she
asked, a little annoyed. “We’re fine!” the husband yelled, waving him
off, but his captain kept swimming hard. ”Move!” he barked as he
sprinted between the stunned owners. Directly behind them, not ten feet
away, their nine-year-old daughter was drowning. Safely above the
surface in the arms of the captain, she burst into tears, “Daddy!”
How did this captain know – from fifty
feet away – what the father couldn’t recognize from just ten? Drowning
is not the violent, splashing, call for help that most people expect.
The captain was trained to recognize drowning by experts and years of
experience. The father, on the other hand, had learned what drowning
looks like by watching television. If you spend time on or near the
water (hint: that’s all of us) then you should make sure that you and
your crew knows what to look for whenever people enter the water. Until
she cried a tearful, “Daddy,” she hadn’t made a sound. As a former Coast
Guard rescue swimmer, I wasn’t surprised at all by this story. Drowning
is almost always a deceptively quiet event. The waving, splashing, and
yelling that dramatic conditioning (television) prepares us to look for,
is rarely seen in real life.
The Instinctive Drowning Response – so named by Francesco A. Pia,
Ph.D., is what people do to avoid actual or perceived suffocation in the
water. And it does not look like most people expect. There is very
little splashing, no waving, and no yelling or calls for help of any
kind. To get an idea of just how quiet and undramatic from the surface
drowning can be, consider this: It is the number two cause of accidental
death in children, age 15 and under (just behind vehicle accidents) –
of the approximately 750 children who will drown next year, about 375 of
them will do so within 25 yards of a parent or other adult. In ten
percent of those drownings, the adult will actually watch them do it,
having no idea it is happening. Drowning does not look like drowning –
Dr. Pia, in an article in the Coast Guard’s On Scene Magazine, described
the instinctive drowning response like this:
- Except in rare circumstances, drowning people are physiologically unable to call out for help. The respiratory system was designed for breathing. Speech is the secondary or overlaid function. Breathing must be fulfilled, before speech occurs.
- Drowning people’s mouths alternately sink below and reappear above the surface of the water. The mouths of drowning people are not above the surface of the water long enough for them to exhale, inhale, and call out for help. When the drowning people’s mouths are above the surface, they exhale and inhale quickly as their mouths start to sink below the surface of the water.
- Drowning people cannot wave for help. Nature instinctively forces them to extend their arms laterally and press down on the water’s surface. Pressing down on the surface of the water, permits drowning people to leverage their bodies so they can lift their mouths out of the water to breathe.
- Throughout the Instinctive Drowning Response, drowning people cannot voluntarily control their arm movements. Physiologically, drowning people who are struggling on the surface of the water cannot stop drowning and perform voluntary movements such as waving for help, moving toward a rescuer, or reaching out for a piece of rescue equipment.
- From beginning to end of the Instinctive Drowning Response people’s bodies remain upright in the water, with no evidence of a supporting kick. Unless rescued by a trained lifeguard, these drowning people can only struggle on the surface of the water from 20 to 60 seconds before submersion occurs.
(Source: On Scene Magazine: Fall 2006 (page 14))This doesn’t mean that a person that is yelling for help and thrashing isn’t in real trouble – they are experiencing aquatic distress. Not always present before the instinctive drowning response, aquatic distress doesn’t last long – but unlike true drowning, these victims can still assist in their own rescue. They can grab lifelines, throw rings, etc.
Look for these other signs of drowning when persons are in the water:
- Head low in the water, mouth at water level
- Head tilted back with mouth open
- Eyes glassy and empty, unable to focus
- Eyes closed
- Hair over forehead or eyes
- Not using legs – Vertical
- Hyperventilating or gasping
- Trying to swim in a particular direction but not making headway
- Trying to roll over on the back
- Appear to be climbing an invisible ladder.
(See a video of the Instinctive Drowning Response)
Next – READ THIS
(Download an interview on the instinctive drowning response with myself and Francesco Pia)
Thursday, May 15, 2014
How Not to Talk to Your Kids
They underrate the importance of effort, and they overrate how much help they need from a parent.
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
What do we make of a boy like Thomas?
Thomas (his middle name) is a fifth-grader at the highly competitive P.S. 334, the Anderson School on West 84th. Slim as they get, Thomas recently had his long sandy-blond hair cut short to look like the new James Bond (he took a photo of Daniel Craig to the barber). Unlike Bond, he prefers a uniform of cargo pants and a T-shirt emblazoned with a photo of one of his heroes: Frank Zappa. Thomas hangs out with five friends from the Anderson School. They are “the smart kids.” Thomas’s one of them, and he likes belonging.
Since Thomas could walk, he has heard constantly that he’s smart. Not just from his parents but from any adult who has come in contact with this precocious child. When he applied to Anderson for kindergarten, his intelligence was statistically confirmed. The school is reserved for the top one percent of all applicants, and an IQ test is required. Thomas didn’t just score in the top one percent. He scored in the top one percent of the top one percent.
But as Thomas has progressed through school, this self-awareness that he’s smart hasn’t always translated into fearless confidence when attacking his schoolwork. http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
 |
(Photo:
Phillip Toledano; styling by Marie Blomquist for I Group; prop styling
by Anne Koch; hair by Kristan Serafino for L'Oreal Professionnel; makeup
by Viktorija Bowers for City Artists; clothing by Petit Bateau [shirt
and pants])
|
Thomas (his middle name) is a fifth-grader at the highly competitive P.S. 334, the Anderson School on West 84th. Slim as they get, Thomas recently had his long sandy-blond hair cut short to look like the new James Bond (he took a photo of Daniel Craig to the barber). Unlike Bond, he prefers a uniform of cargo pants and a T-shirt emblazoned with a photo of one of his heroes: Frank Zappa. Thomas hangs out with five friends from the Anderson School. They are “the smart kids.” Thomas’s one of them, and he likes belonging.
Since Thomas could walk, he has heard constantly that he’s smart. Not just from his parents but from any adult who has come in contact with this precocious child. When he applied to Anderson for kindergarten, his intelligence was statistically confirmed. The school is reserved for the top one percent of all applicants, and an IQ test is required. Thomas didn’t just score in the top one percent. He scored in the top one percent of the top one percent.
But as Thomas has progressed through school, this self-awareness that he’s smart hasn’t always translated into fearless confidence when attacking his schoolwork. http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
First Year Development: Infant Development
First Year Development: Infant
Development
Perhaps your six month old has not rolled
over yet, but the child development chart shows that some babies start rolling
over at five months. Or possibly your neighbor’s eleven month old is walking,
but your thirteen month old has not attempted to walk. Maybe you are worried that
your baby’s development is not where it should be and wonder what this means
for his or her future. Comparing your baby’s development to other infants or to
norms on developmental charts should be avoided. Instead it is important to
know that babies develop at different rates and should only be compared to
their individual milestones from the previous week or month.
Categories of Infant Development:
Infant development is divided into four
categories:
•
Social: How your baby interacts to the
human face and voice. Examples include learning to smile and coo. A social
delay may indicate a problem with vision or hearing or with emotional or
intellectual development.
•
Language: Receptive language development
(how well baby actually understands) is a better gauge of progress than
expressive language development (how well baby actually speaks). Slow language
development can indicate a vision or hearing problem and should be evaluated.
•
Large motor development: Holding their
head up, sitting, pulling up, rolling over, and walking are examples of large
motor development. Very slow starters should be evaluated to be certain there
are no physical or health risks for normal development.
•
Small motor development: Eye-hand
coordination, reaching or grasping, and manipulating objects are examples of
small motor development. Early accomplishments may predict a person will be
good with their hands, but delays do not necessarily mean they are going to be
all “thumbs” later.
Your Baby’s Development Month by Month:
The following milestones are listed under
the FIRST month in which they may be achieved. However, remember that babies
develop at different rates, so if your baby has not reached one or more of
these milestones, it does not mean that something is wrong. He or she will
probably develop these skills within the next few months. If you are still
concerned, consider discussing this with your baby’s pediatrician. The delay
could indicate a problem, but more than likely it will turn out to be normal
for your baby. Premature babies generally reach milestones later than others of
the same birth age, often achieving them closer to the adjusted age and
sometimes later.
•
The First Month:
◦
Can lift head momentarily
◦
Turns head from side to side when lying
on back
◦
Hands stay clenched
◦
Strong grasp reflex present
◦
Looks and follows object moving in front
of them in range of 45 degrees
◦
Sees black and white patterns
◦
Quiets when a voice is heard
◦
Cries to express displeasure
◦
Makes throaty sounds
◦
Looks intently at parents when they talk
to him/her
•
The Second Month:
◦
Lifts head almost 45 degrees when lying
on stomach
◦
Head bobs forward when held in sitting
position
◦
Grasp reflex decreases
◦
Follows dangling objects with eyes
◦
Visually searches for sounds
◦
Makes noises other than crying
◦
Cries become distinctive (wet, hungry,
etc.)
◦
Vocalizes to familiar voices
◦
Social smile demonstrated in response to
various stimuli
•
The Third Month:
◦
Begins to bear partial weight on both
legs when held in a standing position
◦
Able to hold head up when sitting but
still bobs forward
◦
When lying on stomach can raise head and
shoulders between 45 and 90 degrees
◦
Bears weight on forearms
◦
Grasp reflex absent
◦
Holds objects but does not reach for them
◦
Clutches own hands and pulls at blankets
and clothes
◦
Follows objects 180 degrees
◦
Locates sound by turning head and looking
in the same direction
◦
Squeals, coos, babbles, and chuckles
◦
“Talks” when spoken to
◦
Recognizes faces, voices, and objects
◦
Smiles when he/she sees familiar people,
and engages in play with them
◦
Shows awareness to strange situations
•
The Fourth Month:
◦
Drooling begins
◦
Good head control
◦
Sits with support
◦
Bears some weight on legs when held
upright
◦
Raises head and chest off surface to a 90
degree angle
◦
Rolls from back to side
◦
Explores and plays with hands
◦
Tries to reach for objects but overshoots
◦
Grasps objects with both hands
◦
Eye-hand coordination begins
◦
Makes consonant sounds
◦
Laughs
◦
Enjoys being rocked, bounced or swung
•
The Fifth Month:
◦
Signs of teething begin
◦
Holds head up when sitting
◦
Rolls from stomach to back
◦
When lying on back puts feet to mouth
◦
Voluntarily grasps and holds objects
◦
Plays with toes
◦
Takes objects directly to mouth
◦
Watches objects that are dropped
◦
Says “ah-goo” or similar vowel-consonant
combinations
◦
Smiles at mirror image
◦
Gets upset if you take a toy away
◦
Can tell family and strangers apart
◦
Begins to discover parts of his/her body
•
The Sixth Month:
◦
Chewing and biting occur
◦
When on stomach can lift chest and part
of stomach off the surface bearing weight on hands
◦
Lifts head when pulled to a sitting
position
◦
Rolls from back to stomach
◦
Bears majority of weight when being held
in a standing position
◦
Grasps and controls small objects
◦
Holds bottle
◦
Grabs feet and pulls to mouth
◦
Adjusts body to see an object
◦
Turns head from side to side and then
looks up or down
◦
Prefers more complex visual stimuli
◦
Says one syllable sounds like “ma”, “mu”,
“da”, and “di”
◦
Recognizes parents
•
The Seventh Month:
◦
Sits without support, may lean forward on
both hands
◦
Bears full weight on feet
◦
Bounces when held in standing position
◦
Bears weight on one hand when lying on
stomach
◦
Transfers objects from one hand to
another
◦
Bangs objects on surfaces
◦
Able to fixate on small objects
◦
Responds to name
◦
Awareness of depth and space begin
◦
Has taste preferences
◦
“Talks” when others are talking
•
The Eight Month:
◦
Sits well without support
◦
Bears weight on legs and may stand
holding on to furniture
◦
Adjusts posture to reach an object
◦
Picks up objects using index, fourth, and
fifth finger against thumb
◦
Able to release objects
◦
Pulls string to obtain object
◦
Reaches for toys that are out of reach
◦
Listens selectively to familiar words
◦
Begins combining syllables like “mama”
and “dada” but does not attach a meaning
◦
Understands the word no (but does not
always obey it!)
◦
Dislikes diaper change and being dressed
•
The Ninth Month:
◦
Begins crawling
◦
Pulls up to standing position from
sitting
◦
Sits for a prolonged time (10minutes)
◦
May develop a preference for use of one
hand
◦
Uses thumb and index finger to pick up
objects
◦
Responds to simple verbal commands
◦
Comprehends “no no”
◦
Increased interest in pleasing parents
◦
Puts arms in front of face to avoid
having it washed
•
The Tenth Month:
◦
Goes from stomach to sitting position
◦
Sits by falling down
◦
Recovers balance easily while sitting
◦
Lifts one foot to take a step while
standing
◦
Comprehends “bye-bye”
◦
Says “dada” or “mama” with meaning
◦
Says one other word beside “mama” and
“dada” (hi, bye, no, go)
◦
Waves bye
◦
Object permanence begins to develop
◦
Repeats actions that attract attention
◦
Plays interactive games such a
“pat-a-cake”
◦
Enjoys being read to and follows pictures
in books
•
The Eleventh Month:
◦
Walks holding on to furniture or other
objects
◦
Places one object after another into a
container
◦
Reaches back to pick up an object when
sitting
◦
Explores objects more thoroughly
◦
Able to manipulate objects out of tight
fitting spaces
◦
Rolls a ball when asked
◦
Becomes excited when a task is mastered
◦
Acts frustrated when restricted
◦
Shakes head for “no”
•
The Twelfth Month:
◦
Walks with one hand held
◦
May stand alone and attempt first steps
alone
◦
Sits down from standing position without
help
◦
Attempts to build two block tower but may
fail
◦
Turns pages in a book
◦
Follows rapidly moving objects
◦
Says three or more words other than
“mama” or “dada”
◦
Comprehends the meaning of several words
◦
Repeats the same words over & over
again
◦
Imitates sounds, such as the sounds dogs
and cats make
◦
Recognizes objects by name
◦
Understands simple verbal commands
◦
Shows affection
◦
Shows independence in familiar
surrounding
◦
Clings to parents in strange situation
◦
Searches for object where it was last
seen
Find more information and support on
parenting, visit It’s A Mom’s World.
Recommended Reading
You may find the following books helpful.
Your purchase supports the American
Pregnancy Association
Last Updated: 10/2011
Compiled using information from the
following sources:
Wongs Nursing Care of Infants and
Children Seventh Ed. Wong, Donna L., et al, 2003.
Mayo Clinic Complete Book of Pregnancy
& Babys First Year. Johnson, Robert V., M.D., et al, Ch. 29-34.
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