Instead of Saying

• Instead of saying: “Look at you, you're such a good girl. You cleaned up all the paint by yourself.”
• Try saying: “You cleaned up the paint all by yourself! That was a big task. Thank you very much. That was helpful.”
• Child hears: I am helpful. I am capable. I can tackle big projects and see them through to the end. I am appreciated.
• Instead of saying: “I like it when you clean up the books.”
• Try saying: “You cleaned up the books all by yourself. Thank you. I appreciate it.”
• Child hears: I can make valuable contributions to our group.
• Instead of saying: “Good job!”
• Try saying: “You did it! You must be proud of yourself.”
• Child hears: I am capable. I can take pride in what I do.
• Instead of saying: “You drew a beautiful picture.”
• Try saying: “You have worked hard. Tell me about your favorite part.”
• Child hears: My opinions are valuable
• Instead of saying: “I love your dress (hair, shirt, etc).”
• Try saying: “You picked out your clothes today.”
• Child hears: I can make choices.
• Instead of saying: “You slept through the night (ate all your food, etc), what a good baby you are.”
• Try saying: “I love you.”
• Child hears: I am loved, and it’s not based on my behavior or biological drives.
• Instead of saying: “You have a stinky diaper, let’s change you.”
• Try saying: “You have poop in your diaper, you will feel better once you have a fresh diaper on.”
• Child hears: My body and my biological drives are o.k. and not something to be judged, but something to be respected.
• Instead of saying: "Stop screaming.”
• Try saying: “You are screaming. You are feeling strongly right now. Do you want my help?”
• Child hears: My feelings and needs are valid and important. I can meet my needs and seek help if necessary.
• Instead of saying: “Stop crying.”
• Try saying: “You are crying. You are feeling (identify the emotion). Do you want my help?”
• Child hears: My emotions are valid and important. I can regulate my emotions and seek help to soothe myself if I need to.
• Instead of saying: “Good boy/girl!”
• Try saying: “Thank you for…”
• Child hears: My worth does not depend on my behavior or others opinions of me. I am appreciated when I contribute to “the team.”